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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I have a very difficult time prioritizing the men I date.

Customer Question

I have a very difficult time prioritizing the men I date. This is especially true when I am just beginning to date someone. I dread dating and can think of a hundred other things I'd rather be or I need to be doing. Everything in my life (and there are many, many things vying for my time and attention) seems more important to me. I have a hard time giving pre-existing relationships (friends and family) the kind of time and attention that they need, so making time for a guy/date just seems like one more "to do" added to the pile of work, fighting for my passions (bilingualism, union), taking care of my kitties, TRYING to find time to work out (which I need to do desperately but can't find the time regularly, either!), etc., etc., etc. And, I am a person who NEEDS plenty of quiet, "me" time to recharge, too. Without that, I don't have enough to give back to anyone/anything. I'd like to find someone, but being single is so much better on so many levels. Help! What do I do?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What is your age?

 

-How long has it been since the last time you had a regular boyfriend?

 

-What type of relationship did you have with your parents growing up, did your father or mother work alot?

 

-Did your parent spend alot of time with you?


-Why do you feel you need someone in your life? Are you getting lonely?


Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi. I am 34 (will be on the 23rd). My last regular boyfriend was my first real ongoing relationship. It lasted 6 months, off for 5 months, on again for six months. We have been apart one year. He and I loved one another a lot but I wanted more of a go-getter, and he couldn't be that person. My mother was mentally abusive and physically abusive when I was between the ages of nine and 19 living at home (approximate ages). My father was nurturing, but was sort-of not around very much. I always knew he loved me and that she thought of me as a mistake. Dad was a coal miner, so was at work or asleep a lot. Mom didn't work, she stayed at-home. I was cared for materialistically very well. I have one sister, younger, with a husband and 3 children. We have a great relationship. I love to talk about emotional things, she does not. No, I am not lonely. I have a lot of good friends and spend a lot of time with them. I only feel that having the right S.O. in my life could enhance and make my life bigger and better. I am very tired of the place in which I live. I dream of moving to NYC, but feel pretty scared about making any kind of move to do so.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

It seems as though you have hit crossroads in your life there are a lot of things you have done but still a lot of things you want to do (moving to NYC and wanting someone that shares the same interests as you in your life as a life mate). I think you were used to being alone as a child because your father worked so much and you didn't feel close to your mother because she was abusive and it has a lot to do with why you find it hard to stay with someone for a long period of time. You are looking for someone that has the same interests and ambition as you do and might be hard for you to do that where you live now, maybe a move to NYC is just the medicine you need.

 

NYC has a lot of men that are go getters and may share the same interests that you have, sometimes change is good especially if you are not happy where you are living. It seems as though you have all of these things going in your life in part because you have no one in your life that makes you happy, you have things that you do and animals that make you happy but it seems as though you are craving a companion and life partner to share those interests with you. Your hobbies and your cats fulfill a certain part of your life but can not fulfill that part of your life that a life partner can share with you.

 

What you are going to have to do is find someone a little like you that likes being single but wants someone to share time with also, it doesn't sound like you want a committed relationship at least for now and there are many men out there that like being single but hate being alone. It seems to me that NYC is the place you need to be, you should serious think about making that move. When you have the money saved to do so maybe that is where you will find the type of person you want to be with. You need to stop selling yourself short and wait until you find someone that you feel shares the same things you like to do and don't pick someone just because your are tired of being alone make sure that person is right for you and your lifestyle that your lead.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
When a relationship first begins, I tend to feel the guys are so damn needy. They want more than I can offer in the beginning. I need a very slow start-- especially with men I meet online (where a good number of my first dates originate). A move to NYC isn't an option for me right now, as I am paying off a good bit of debt and just moved into my first house a year ago. It would be 5 or so years before I could make that happen. What are some tips I can use in the here and now? And, by the way, much of what keeps me happy is out of sense of obligation and/or trying to better the lives of others; I have a voice and I feel it is my moral obligation to use it. I don't just stay busy to stay happy/occupied. I am the kind of person who never, ever feels bored just sitting at home. I have many interests.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

That is why it is important to find a man that is just as busy as you are, the reason the guys feel needy is because the relationship is new and they feel they can not get to know you if you are always busy. Have you ever tried Eharmony.com they have a questionaire that you fill out and then they find someone with the same interests that you have and then it is up to you to pursue them. They give you a list of people with the same interests. You can set up a first meeting in a public place to make sure things are safe and then you take it from there since most of your dates originate from online maybe you should give Eharmony a try it is free. One tip to you is make sure you let the guys know ahead of time how busy your life is and what you are looking for so that you don't end up wasting your time and theirs.

 

The problem you seem to run into is that you don't really have to time to contribute to a new relationship with new relationships people go on several dates to make sure they are compatible and have things in common and it seems that you don't have that type of time so you need to find someone that will respect what you do and understand that you don't have much time but sometimes you have to make time in order for a relationship to work. Just be totally honest with what you want so that the guys don't seem so needy to you.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I am always honest about this and my stubborn-headed strength. Guys tend to say that they are fine with it, they understand, they like it, etc. Then, they don't so much. Also, I don't like to talk on the phone a lot in the beginning of a relationship for the same reasons that I have a hard time giving my time to a new guy. I feel that the guys start out being fine with that, but push hard and regularly after they've said they agree, etc. Ugh. I don't know. I'm just so tired of trying to date and feeling frustrated. I am honest up-front, but try not to be TOO stubborn or set in my ways... but it continues to keep me in some holding pattern.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

Maybe you should try harder to see them or invite them to do your hobbies with you, I think guys are more frustrated with your lack of interest and like you said your are set in your ways but you can change that aspect of your life try including them instead of coming off as not caring which brings me back to the fact that you are used to being by yourself and like you said there are so many advantages of being single but it seems like you aren't as happy with your situation as you want to believe you are or else this wouldn't frustrate you so much. I think they say they are cool with it because they don't really know that you mean that you don't have much time at all for them and then they realize that you are just too busy to even make a little time for them that is why I suggested inviting them to join you with your hobbies and then plan something after that they just don't feel like you are making an effort to get to know them better and this is why you are in a dating rut. I feel they would be more accepting if they could see what you do that keeps you busy.

 

Relationships are about give and take and you are use to not giving much of yourself to someone and in order to have any kind of relationship you are going to have to learn to give a little more of yourself to the relationship. Try including them in your hobbies and your life as long as they see that you are trying to make an effort they will better understand you and your life.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I'm sorry, but I don't think we are talking about the same thing. It's not that I am busy with "hobbies," it is that I am busy with teaching full-time, going to district meetings, taking classes, being involved with our union, babysitting a special needs child every night, caring for cats who have had health needs (surgeries, etc.), trying to make time for the other people who are already in my life and deserve my time, tutoring, etc. What I was trying to get at is that I have a very hard time dealing with the piddly crap in the beginning of a relationship. It is not until someone matters to me that I want to put time in on them. I don't know. I really appreciate your prompt feedback, but I don't think you understand where I'm coming from. I think I need a counselor for this.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
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