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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 20860
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I was in a relationship for 9 years. I broke up and it was

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I was in a relationship for 9 years. I broke up and it was a huge mistake. We have been on again off again for 5 years, always seperated by physical space and even the war in Iraq. I have alwasys wanted to be with her again. Just recently she has moved on and moved in with a new woman. We didn't talk for a few months ( the first time in 15 years). We are talking weekly and I am honest in what I want with her. She says she is not interested, yet we keep talking and making plans to meet up. Do I have a chanced or is this just crazy lesbians trying to be friends?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.

You said 'I broke up', so are you the one that ended the relationship after 9 years? What made you decide to end it, at that time?

Has your ex-girlfriend dated or lived with anyone else, as far as you know, since you broke up 5 years ago?

Have you told her you thought you made a mistake and still wanted to be with her since the time you broke up, when you were on again/off again?

How long does she know the woman she just moved in with?

Does the new woman she's living with know that she's still in touch with you?

Have YOU been dating or seeing anyone else, since the two of you broke up?

Thanks for any additional detail you can provide.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

5 years ago I was in a very different place I am in the Army and was deployed, I made a mistake and thought my fears had to do with my relationship not what was happening to me. I have told her that I feel 95% of our situation is that i made a mistake and did not correct it accordingly. She has known the woman for about 8-9 months max , moved in 3 months later. She knows we talk and have just started seeing each other. this is the first real relationship and definately moving in that she has done since me. I was with a woman who I left her for for, that was the on again off again part. I am not with anyone now and I live alone

Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply with additional information. I understand your situation more completely, now.

I think at this particular point, you should continue to keep in touch with her, and make up to meet, as you planned. It's important that you each convey your feelings, honestly, and open your hearts, so there's no doubt how you each feel.

If she tells you that she's positive she doesn't want to continue to see you or communicate with you, now that she's involved with another woman, respect that, tell her you respect that, and that your primary goal is for her to be happy. If she continues to keep in touch with you, return phone calls, and consents to get together in person, I don't think she would do that unless she still had feelings for you. If you're crazy about her and feel it was a huge mistake breaking up to begin with, as long as she's willing to still communicate/see you, keep that up, but move at HER pace, and play it by ear. Don't put down anything about the woman she's living with, and actually, try not to talk about her at all, unless she brings it up. Try to be a good friend, but at the same time, remind her of what you had and how you still have strong feelings for her, but, you're content to be 'friends' for now. As long as you leave the door open, there's no telling what could happen in the future.

I don't want to give you false hope, because you don't know if she'll leave this new woman and get back together with you, but since she said she was not interested, yet continues the contact with you, it's possible she IS still interested, but finds herself in this new relationship and doesn't want to hurt the new girlfriend. Be yourself, but be kind, helpful, let her talk things out, if she has any problems, and continue to stay a part of her life, for the time being, and that, I think, will keep you in her thoughts and in her life.

You can set a time limit for how long you'd like to keep up this type of 'friendship', so that you can move on with your own life, and future relationships. If it seems to you that she's really not interested in anything further, other than friendship, decide when you would like to start dating again, and moving on. You can share as much or as little of that part of your life with her, if you're still communicating, as long as you feel comfortable with it.

I wish you much good luck and hope everything works out the way you'd like it to!

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
One thing that I am unsure about is that she does not speak of her new girlfriend. I have had to drag info out of her. One thing stands out to me though and it is her use of words, we have never used the title "girlfriend" with each other it was always partner. She uses the title girlfriend with this woman. Are these just words?
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hello again, Jamie and thanks for your reply.

She may not feel comfortable talking about her new partner, because she doesn't want to hurt you or make you feel jealous. It's an uncomfortable situation for her to be in.

The 'label' dilemma, may just be a new attitude she adopted, due to changing times, or, perhaps the new woman prefers to be called 'girlfriend', where you preferred to be called 'partner'. You can ask her about this, and ask if it has any particular significance, (but ask just as if you're curious, don't put her on the defensive) or just let it be, and maybe an explanation will come out on it's own, in time, as you talk more.

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