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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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The end of June I wrote in and asked a question about my husband

Customer Question

The end of June I wrote in and asked a question about my husband of 11 years. He got in contact with his exgirlfriend and, to make a long story short, started to text, email and call her and she responded and they talked alot. he told me before I found out on my own and he apologized and told me he was going to stop. We went to counseling and we did well. We have stopped counseling and were doing well. He recently has been under a lot of stress at work and has also told me that he is having a hard time "getting her out of his mind". He says he is going to find a couselor and talk about it and he does not want to leave, he is very happy with me and our kids and never wants to leave us. he says he does not understand why he continues to think about her. he has not talked, emailed or texted her since July. I just don't know what I can do to help him. I have tried to be tough and get mad but I can only be upset knowing he continues to think of her. any suggestions
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

 

Customer

 

Welcome Back to JustAnswer! I don't think he should have stopped counseling just because things felt better, I think your husband started getting a false sense of comfort and felt he didn't need counseling anymore because he was starting to feel better and I would suggest to you that he do individual counseling so he can figure out on his own why he continues to think about this ex girlfriend. The counselor needs to find out just why he continues to think about her and says he wants to stay in the marriage something in his subconscious keeps him thinking about her. It could be the fact that he may not have had closure with the relationship, sometimes in relationships when a couple breaks up and one of them don't understand why and doesn't get answer for the reasons why and they think about what happened and what they did wrong and because they go unanswered they are left still wondering over the years and because they didn't have that closure they never quite get over that relationship this could be the case with your husband and the only way he will find out just what it is he has to start individual counseling and why I suggest individual counseling is when you went with him he may have been holding back talking about all of his feelings because he didn't want to upset you.

 

If you want your husband to get better and get over this woman then you may have to allow him to do this on his own and trust that this is going to make your marriage and your relationship with your husband much stronger. If he can be more honest and open about his feelings then the counseling can help him figure out why he feels this way and what steps he needs to take to get over this past relationship. It may include contacting the ex again and asking questions. Are you will to allow him that if it gives him closure? That may be a question will have to answer in the future as part of his healing process.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I feel as though he needs to talk to her for closure, I think he needs to talk to her and hear that she is ok and will be ok without him. My husband never wants to hurt anyone so I think he thinks that breaking it off with her is going to hurt her but in the mean time he is killing me
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I feel as though he needs to talk to her for closure, I think he needs to talk to her and hear that she is ok and will be ok without him. My husband never wants to hurt anyone so I think he thinks that breaking it off with her is going to hurt her but in the mean time he is killing me
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.
Customer

 

Yes you're right he needs closure but also needs to talk to a counselor about his feelings and what he needs to say to her to make things better, it may give him courage to do what he has to do to save his marriage. Just try looking at the big picture if he gets closure she will no longer play a role in your marriage. Think positive and pray about it.

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