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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I have a friend. She and I are close. Weve known each other

Resolved Question:

I have a friend. She and I are close. We've known each other for several years. She's married with 2 kids in their late teens. I'm single and have no kids. I recently asked her if she'd be intimate with me. She said, "yes." When I asked her why she would, she answered, "because I love you." She has said to me many times before that although she loves me, that she is not in love with me. Should I be intimate with her?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello

To be clear, are you a male or female?

Do you love her?

What are your ages?

Are you in a relationship?

chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I'm a 40-year old male and she's 38. Yes, I love her, although I think my feelings for her may be stronger. No, I'm not in a relationship. Also, (this may be a major factor) I'm a quadriplegic in a wheelchair. I sustained a severe neck injury 9 years ago. Could she be agreeing to be intimate with me out of pity, or perhaps wants to do a good deed for a charity case? I've asked her this myself and she says, "no."
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Jt,

No one can say for sure whether or not she agrees to it out of pity, but I can say for her to tell you that she loves you but is not in love with you, presents an honesty that makes me feel that she would be honest about her intentions. Whether or not you should sleep with her is a whole other story, if your feelings for her are stronger, then actually being intimate with her could make things worse for you. However if you are willing to accept at face value that she is not in love with you, is married and will not want it to go further than just that, then it may be a choice. However you'll also want to consider that she's a married woman, and has made vows to her husband. Do you want to participate in her breaking her vows? It's a lot to think about and decide upon. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Ms. Chase, thank you for pointing out the issue of her breaking her vows to her husband. I did not even think of that...and now that I have, I am asking myself, "what kind of friend am I to ask her such a thing?" Not as good of a friend as I had hoped obviously. I will talk to her. Hopefully, she willl forgive me in time. Her friendship means a lot more to me than any intimate encounter. Thank you so very much for your insightful assistance. Extremely grateful, James "J. T."
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
James,

Don't be too hard on yourself, remember she agreed, so there may be issues in her marriage, or maybe she feels differently about breaking her vows, it's hard to say without talking to her, but I wanted you to think about it, because it is a large part of what's going on. If you and her did get intimate, thats an aspect of it that would have to be thought of.....what if she started feeling guilty, what if her husband found out....like I said...anything could happen. You sound like a great friend.

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Ms. Chase, I hate to bother you again... Would you consider e-mailing me directly as I have a very personal and highly ssensitive issue that I wish to get your insight on? If not, then I will understand. Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello JT,

We're not allowed to email customers, but I do have a way that you can send me a message that will not show here. Send it toXXX@XXXXXX.XXX and put "Attention Lori", inside the email you will put Please forward to Chase, and she will email it to me. Lori is one of the mods and she is very discreet. Let me know if this is ok.

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
She will not read it, will she?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
You can attach it as a document I believe
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Ms. Chase, I have not had a chance to write to you through Lori yet. On the original subject as to whether or not I should sleep with my friend; I talked to her and she revealed to me that she has had affairs before. How many? I do not know. I did not ask her. I do, however, know now that she is not doing this out of charity. She seems to actually want to do this. My question still remaiins the same: Should I go through with it? My lebido is saying, "go for it." ...But my heart is saying, "maybe you shouldn't."
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Jt,

You have to decide. The fact that she's had other affairs before, shows that she's obviously unhappy in her marriage. When it comes to you, I would say how involved do you want to get with this woman? Can you sleep with her without getting attached to her or developing feelings for her? Think about why your heart is saying maybe you shouldn't, and asses those thoughts and feelings. The botXXXXX XXXXXne, is both of you are adults, but you want to try and walk away with minimal damage to your heart and feelings. What are your thoughts?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
My thought is that at one time she did feel sorry for me. She knows that although I am severely physically disabled I am fully functional as far as sexual intercourse. And as a friend she probably figures "maybe I should do it, after all, he doesn't get it hardly ever." Since she has had other affairs it leads me to believe that this has lesser meaning to her...maybe her feelings of friendship with me is not what I thought they were. ...And yes, she is very unsatisfied in her marriage.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
What do you mean by 'maybe her feelings or friendship with me is not what i thought they were'?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I mean that if she has had affairs before and she has one with me (a one nighter) than her feelings for me as a friend are not as strong as I had thought. Since she is married and has openly admitted that she does love me, but is not in love with me, the only thing I can be to her is a good friend...at most. Well, if I am a good friend to her, then why is she agreeing to sleep with me? I do not want to sleep with her if it jeopardizes our friendship, however, she does obviously. Hence, maybe I do not mean to her what she means to me as a friend.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Not necessarily. Understand that she may not think like you because she is not you. So you can't think that she is thinking the same way you are. Perhaps she does love you, and perhaps she is definitely sexually attracted to you. The question does have to do with her motives, why does she want to sleep with you, and she may not even know the answer. Perhaps it's her trust in you that makes her think the two of you can deal well with this. Overall, it's your choice, you are walking into it with eyes wide open with an idea of how she feels...which is rare. If you feel that you want to have this intimate encounter, you are entitled to feel that way, we all need the comfort of intimacy whether we are disabled or not, just again, keep everything in perspective.

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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