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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I got married 6 months ago to a wonderful man I had been with

Customer Question

I got married 6 months ago to a wonderful man I had been with for two years. Right after we got married he left for army basic training. While he was gone I found my ex online and began talking to him quite a bit and then talking to him on the phone. He was the first person I ever fell in love with and we had a very strong love for each other and a deep connection to one another. We were young at that time though and didn't know how to handle a relationship so strong at the time so we fell apart. We had completely lost contact until I had found him after my husband left. I love my husband very much but I don't have the connection with him that I had and still have with my ex. I don't want to get a divorce because he is a wonderful person and I do love him but I can't stop thinking about my ex and I feel like I would rather be with him sometimes
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How long have you and the ex been apart?

 

-How long did you know your current husband before you got married?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

My husband is 25 and both me and my ex are 22. We were actually in the hospital together when we were born. I have been apart from my ex for about 3 and a half years. I met my husband about 6 months after I broke up with my ex so we have been together about 3 years and married for 6 months.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

You have to ask yourself if you want to possibly give up your good marriage for someone you haven't seen in three years who may have changed and may not be the person you knew then. I think you should be honest with you husband about your feelings if you can not get them out of your head and be honest with yourself about who you really want it sounds as though you really want to see where the feelings with the ex could you lead you but you will be really taking a chance. When you get married you make a vow to love, honor and cherish your husband which means forsaking all others (including exes) What would you do if you ex came to you and told you he may still have feeling for his ex? I'm sure it would hurt to hear something like that so maybe you should consider your husband's feelings also.

 

It's just the fact that your husband is away and you are feeling lonely and the fact that your ex contacted you and has stayed in contact with you makes you feel like you have someone to keep you company and to talk to you. I think your loneliness is clouding your judgment and that you are feeling bad for even having these feelings because your husband is a great man which brings me back to what if the ex has changed and not for the better? He is your ex for a reason! Don't blow you marriage because of a maybe. It may not be a good idea to keep in contact with the ex because of your feelings you have to give your marriage a fair chance without outside interference.

 

Tell the ex that you are married now and that you do not want to throw your marriage away if that is truly how you feel but if you think that you want the ex back you will have to be completely honest with your husband and then find closure in the marriage if that is what you want after you have done that you will have to (the ex) get to know him all over again and make sure that you are not leaving your marriage for the past.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
My husband was gone for four months and i thought about leaving him when he came back but i realized i shouldn't just give up and i thought maybe i felt that way just because he had been gone. I didn't talk to my ex then because i wanted to try and see how i felt about my husband. Since then though I still wish I was with my ex. You're right though my ex defnitely has changed in 3 years but it's for the better. This is so hard because I feel like I love them both. My husband is in the army though and we just moved across the country and i can't just leave him here with no one.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

You're right you can't just leave him or your marriage without giving it a fair chance you don't want to look back at your life and think that you possibly gave up a good man (Your husband) that loves and cherishes you, don't end up living with regrets this is why you have to take this time and weigh your options maybe sit down and write what is good and bad about each man and see where that leads you. Just make sure that if you choose the ex that you are honest with your husband he deserves that much. I think it's because he is gone so much and you moved somewhere where you have no friends or family and your loneliness is clouding your judgment. That is why I said you shouldn't contact the ex why your husband is gone, it's like he fills a void that your husband can not fill right now and this is another reason (beside the past) why you are so hung up on him.

 

Just give yourself some time and then when you husband comes home see how things are then give about 6 months after he returns and after that six month you still feel this way it may be time to talk to your husband and tell him how you have been feeling but I really think that this may be due to the fact that you are alone right now and you may feel like the ex is all you have right now.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
My husband isn't gone anymore though. He's been back for almost 3 months. I stopped talking to my ex for a while so I could try to figure things out. We started talking again though and we're trying to at least be friends but it's hard.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
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