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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I appreciate your advise. Since my husband and I married he

Customer Question

I appreciate your advise. Since my husband and I married he has left a couple of people in his life bully me. When I say something to him about it, he tells me to get out and that he wants a divorce. In one of the cases, his female friend was making sexual come one remarks to me and I am also a femaie. This was confusing to me. I think that they may be closer than he and I. He is going through a tough time with his business and is very stressed. I want to leave and he has reminded me several times that nothing belongs to me. The house was purchased before me so I am fine with not taking anything except my belongings. I am getting pressure from people around me to leave asap but I work out of the home, teaching piano, so I must start over and find work. I live in CA and my aunt wants me to AZ so I will have some family near me as I have no family in CA they are in Missouri. I am confused and don't know where to go. Any advice? Thank you.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How long have you been married?

 

-Do you want to leave or do you want to work your marriage out?

 

-If you go to Az will you stay with your Aunt?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

I am 47, he is 58. I don't feel part of any of his friendsships - not because of their age though because I have been treated as an outsider.

 

We have no intimacy emotionally or physically - he rejects me and honestly, now I feel sick to my stomach after what his friend said to me whenever I think about being with him intimately. He still talks with her and I think that he has a thing for her and has for years. He did hang out with her and her friend, who he dated right before me.

She has played a lot of mind games with me and so has he. I have found pieces of jewelry in the house that are not mine and when I tell him, without accusing him of anything, he tells me I'm crazy and to get out, he wants a divorce. When I asked him about the shower comment that she made to me (she asked me to take a shower with her a year and a half ago) he said fine, go ahead. I went into confusion. I asked him later, why would she ask me that - he told me again, he wanted a divorce. He goes back and forth - he's lovey and wants me to stay, then two weeks later he tells me to go. He had me sign a paper when we refinanced the house (which is his house) to say that it is his sole property. His female friend has made comments to me such as, "if you leave, you will have to pay him alimony". I am not much money, and neither is he at this point, so I think that she was trying to scare me, which is really cruel. I just want out, but I care about him, and I am scared to make it on my own - I am trying so hard to find a job in AZ. I really don't see how it can work out when he will not let me talk to him. He has been very mentally abusive, disagrees often with simple things that I know are true and it's become mentally exhausting to even have a conversation with him.

I am a Christian, and have been praying about everything - I asked him to pray with me and he said I am ruining our relationship with religion. I thought that we were more equally yoked in the beginning, though I guess it was a farce. I feel that God and my spirit are telling me to go. I just need the strength.

 

Thank you, it's been very hard the past few days, crying a lot and almost losing hope of my life.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

First let me say I'm sorry you are going through such a trying time in your life right now. My suggestion to you is to not allow him a next time to tell you to get out and that you move to your Aunt's home, I'm sure she won't mind you moving there without a job you can find one when you get there, it's important to your physical and mental health to leave this dysfunctional marriage. Your husband doesn't take into consideration your feelings and how you feel when he makes you feel left out and allows his female friend to make you feel unsure about yourself and your marriage. You have tried everything and he hasn't tried at all does that sound like an evenly yoked marriage? Your religious and moral views are much different than his he doesn't care that him being friend and close friend I might add with someone he use to date before you makes you feel as if there may be something going on between the two of them.

 

The reason for your feelings and the lost hope of your life has a lot to do with the way he has treated you over the years. You lost yourself in him for so long that you don't know who you are anymore and I think moving to Arizona will allow you the opportunity to make a fresh start and find yourself again, I don't think you will be able to get your self dignity back until you are out of the unstable situation. You have told him how you feel and when you do all you get is "get out" and "I want a divorce." For your peace of mind I think you should give him exactly what he wants and not look back. He has broke down your self worth to the point where you are unsure about yourself and the move to Arizona that is called mind control both he and his lady friend are making you think you are not worthy of his love but you deserve love and respect and someone that takes into consideration your feelings and doesn't threaten to leave or make you get out every time you tell them how you feel.

 

As soon as you can I would call your Aunt and ask her if you can stay with her for a bit and then leave, it's important that you do this for you and your mental health don't allow him to drive you crazy or lead you to a nervous break down. You may need some individual counseling once you are gone so that you can built up the self esteem that you lost in that marriage. Remember to work on yourself so that you don't go into your next relationship with scars from your marriage, don't get into another relationship until you are able to be the best you for them and without any emotional baggage. This is going to be a very emotional time for you but it's something that will make you life better and more meaningful.

 

 

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Wow, Thank you for confirming this - it does feel like mind control - I am not allowed to have my own thoughts or opinions and I am feeling a bit nervous - it's difficult to even go to work lately.

 

Just a quick question!

I have another option of moving back home to Missouri, where my closest brother and mom, stepdad, Dad and stepmom are. I would like to get my Master's degree and become more stable financially. Though AZ is option, my aunt says that I can stay with her only after I find work. I understand where she is coming from , though I don't want to just jump into something. I am wondering if it would be better to go back home to MO - there may be more opportunities for music therapy work in AZ, but I am a little burned out on music therapy - what do you think?!

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

Thank you for replying with your other question. Just be glad that you have more than one option many women in your situation don't have so many options and that is why they never leave and stay in the hell they are in. I think you should choose the option that will allow you to go back to school and get your Master's degree and if that means moving home to Missouri then do what is best for you but Arizona does not seem like a very good option because you don't really have the time to find a job there first if you haven't already. You should not stay in the situation any longer than you have to this is detrimental to you to leave this unhealthy situation.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I feel that I miss my brother soooo much, that my heart is pulling me back to Missouri. I can always move after I get my master's and honestly, Arizona would not be a choice - it's just a get away place right now. I don't want to do anything where I may be isolated and my aunt and uncle do like to be alone a lot. I also do not want anything that feels like a temporary jump. I really want stability, which is something I have not had in this marriage / home.

Thank you so very much for your clarity. You may have saved a spirit and a life.

 

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Just remember that being alone is not an option you need to be around people who care about you and the more the better for your emotional healing, try spending to with as many of your old friends as possible and consume your time with positivity this too can be good in your healing process, you have to start feeling worthy again.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

I would have many more supportive people in Missouri - though it's not as exciting as Arizona or California, I can always take vacations later! I agree, right now is a time for healing and protection with those who love me and can help me to heal.

 

Thank you so very much!

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

You're so welcome and if you ever need help don't hesitate to come back and ask for me by name if it is me that you want, all of our Relationship experts are genuinely caring and give great advice but I will be more than happy to help you again.

 

Kimberly Ann

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

Thank you for your counsel.

 

My husband has been like a different person the past couple of days - very affectionate and making all of these promises. I have already made plans to move and had just found a job in AZ. (I haven't told him yet.) I am feeling a bit guilty and second guessing, though he has been abusive in the past and now he's like a different guy all of a sudden. Does this happen often? When they get a slight clue that you may leave, can they suddenly change on a dime and be who you want them to be almost? The thing is, he still isn't really listening to me - he interrupts and talks about himself - that is the only clue that I have, other than that, he's saying he wants to buy me this and buy me that. I do want out though I don't want to second guess myself. Our 4 year anniversary is in a couple of weeks and I am wondering, do you think I should tell him after the anniversary? The new job out of state begins in December - should I play it cool until November or so? I have always been honest, though I must project myself and be able to save as much money as I can before I go. Sorry for the questions that keep rolling out of me! I love him but I don't like him. Can't bear to be with him after the past abuse.

 

Thanks!

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
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