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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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The woman that I just ended 10 year relationship with slowly

Resolved Question:

The woman that I just ended 10 year relationship with slowly turned into a very mean and minipulative woman from year two to ten. Here is what puzzels me and I want to figure out before I get into another mess... She was never like this with her husband, the guy was a total jerk and terrified her and the three kids they had together. How did she go from quite and reserved to belligerent and controlling?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How long was she married to her husband?

 

-Did he just verbally abuse her or both verbally and physically?

 

-How did she finally leave him?

 

-How soon after she left him did the two of you meet?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I'm 31, she's 52
She was married 22 years
he physically abused mostly
she left the home and lived with her father
we started an emotional relationship a year before she left
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

 

It may be that she didn't have time to work on what she went through with her husband before she started dating you and she carried her issues with her husband into your relationship and made up her mind she wasn't going to take anything from anyone anymore which could explain her belligerent behavior and that she would do the controlling way before anyone could start controlling her. She seems to have gotten the will to fight back but with the wrong person and took it out on you. She should have really gotten counseling before starting another relationship and she could have prevented this type of behavior from happening in her relationship. Everything she wanted to do and say to her husband she seems to be acting out with you. The years of abuse took their toll on her and now she feels she has to take on this persona in order to not be abuse again or controlled.

 

When you started dating her you got a very damaged and abused person and she wasn't able to fix those damages before she got into another relationship so she carried that damage into the next relationship and unfortunately you were the lucky one to have to feel the brunt of the abuse she was put through for 22 years. It is very important that someone talk her into getting counseling or else this type of behavior is only going to continue over and over again because she will go into every relationship she has thinking it's only a matter of time before the abuse starts again and this is why she has put up this wall and has become this other person.

 

I don't think every relationship you have will be like this unless you get into another relationship where someone was abused and didn't seek help to work through their issues because they didn't think it was their issues to work out because they weren't the one doing the abusing they were just the victim of that abuse and there for it was their issue also and it (the abuse) will only carry on the cycle unless they get help to break the cycle and heal from it. Don't take the blame for someone else's abuse and maybe talk to her about seeking a Crisis counselor to deal with the abuse she endured for many years and which eventually broke her to the point that she can't have a healthy relationship.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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