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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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advice for a woman that is seriously dating a man that thinks

Resolved Question:

advice for a woman that is seriously dating a man that thinks he can have female friends but i cannot have male friends
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello,

How did the two of you meet?

How old are the two of you?

Why does he feel that way?

How long have the two of you been together?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
We met after my husband died, 3 years ago, on an internet dating site

We are both 50

He thinks that men that I have been friends with in the past,( one particularly that I knew in college recently came to see me), really do not just want to be friends and I think he feels threatened

We have been together about 1 year and 8 mos.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Lamoser,

Both of you are old enough to be able to have friends without the other one having a problem with it, and be able to trust one another with friends. If you have never cheated on him, or lied about anything, my question would be where does his lack of trust stem from? It would stand to reason that his lack of trust stems from his own lack of self esteem and fear of losing you, but if you give in on this point, then what's next? The botXXXXX XXXXXne is if he can have female friends, you should be able to have male friends, period. If he cannot agree with that, then you are going to have to decide if you want to stay in a relationship that lacks trust. It doesn't matter what the other men's intentions are, what matters is how you deal with it, and how you feel about him. If he can't understand that, and continues with his double standard, then you have a difficult decision on your hands. Give in to his demands, or let him know that you can't stay in the relationship. I guarantee it won't stop at this, sooner or later he'll find something else that he doesn't agree with and want you to stop that too. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
he also has had 2 prior marriages that have ended in divorce because his wife has betrayed him, he has 2 children (one fron each marriage that he has no contact with presently.but has in the past) My husband died very suddenly of an unexpected heart attack on the golf course....I was married 22 years to him, have 2 boys now one is a senoir in high school and the other attends college full time///is he jealous....how do I handle this, he is now on a business trip several hundres miles away and his friend that happens to be a women (I have never met her but I do not have a problen with their relationship) met him there to get some business done as well and of course have someone to hang with while on the road. I really do not think they have more than a friendship but I know she is attacked to him. When I told him that I thought that it was unfair, male shovanistic ect. as he did not want me to see my male friend he just repeated that it was not the same, He would not let up and/or compromise and I have not talked to him for several days...I have tried to call him but he does not return my calls..he says he loves me and I really believe him, he wanted me to marry him several months ago but I still have both my children at homeand do not think the mix of testosterone would be a good thing...I do wonder if we were together, that is in the same household if this would make things better
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Lamoser,

Im sorry to hear about your husband.

The fact that both of his wives betrayed him could be the reason why he's acting the way he is....however, you are not them and shouldn't be treated like you are. Honestly, I don't think living together would make things better because the problem is not in your living situation, but in how he feels about it. He's on a business trip with a woman you have never met, but he's telling you that you cannot have male friends. That doesn't make any sense. I find that a man who refuses to allow a woman to have male friends is either suffering from extremely low self esteem, or he is guilty of doing something himself. I understand that you love him, but you have to love yourself more than you love him.....you say you believe that he loves you but his actions are not reflecting that he loves you. People can say anything, but it's their actions that will show you how they really feel. If you love someone, you do not punish them for decisions they make....if you don't like their decisions, then you talk about it like adults. You are not a child, and he should not dictate how you live your life, just like he won't allow you to dictate his life. I repeat what I said earlier, if you give in on this, then you will let him know that he has the power to bend you to his will, and next time it will be something else. If you want to do what he says, then thats your choice, but if you don't want to do as he dictates, then he's pretty much letting you know that there's no choice. Meanwhile, he's off with this woman, and not returning your calls. Something isn't right. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
should I forward this to him so maybe if he hears this from you he will realise that he is being most of the problem
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
I know what I'm saying is a little hard to bear, especially if you love this man like you say you do. Right now, he's not even speaking to you even though he says he loves you, while he is doing more than the very thing he is asking/telling you not to do. I don't know if you should forward it to him. Perhaps it will make him see that he's being completely unfair, and that he shouldn't ask you to do what he's not willing to do, but somehow I think he already knows this. That if he were to be honest with himself, he would know that what he's doing is wrong and unfair. The question is, if he doesn't want to hear what you have to say, and you're the person he is supposed to love, what makes you think he's going to care about what I have to say?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He has talked to psychologists in the past and seems to think that I need one so maybe if he sees your opinion he will see the truth
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
You are most welcome to send it to him. I would even be willing to talk to him if he's up to it. If he does want to talk, be sure that he asks for Chase so that I know it's him. Let me know.

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
ok but how will you two connect if he wishes to respond
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
If he wants to talk to me through your account or whether he wants to open his own account, all he has to do is say "I need to speak to Ms Chase" and they will make sure I get it. :) You can also let me know after you speak to him if he's interested in talking.

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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