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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I started dating someone two months ago. He is going thru a

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I started dating someone two months ago. He is going thru a very nasty divorce-custody,finances, the works- and although its been a year and things seem to be winding down, it has been very tough on him. When I met him, he was very upfront with me about what was happening in his life, but I never having been married or had children, didnt know what I was getting into. IN the meantime, when we are together, its wonderful. He is a great man, a fantastic father and we often talk about our future together -no doubt it has been intense from the beginning. I am concerned about many things- one, is it reasonable to expect that he can get into a new relationship at this point-even though it has been a year since he separated?How do I ensure that this is not a rebound thing for him (I guess there is no way of knowing) and ensuring that I protect my own feelings? we havent said the "love" words yet but I know that its coming. We are talking about moving in (I live two hours away from him)....
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Clepine,

What are your ages?

How did you meet?

How often do you spend time together?

Have you been intimate?

How old are his children?

Is he expecting custody of them? have you met them?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Chase,

 

Im 42- he is 37.

We met online (a dating website).We spoke on the phone for about two weeks (many long long conversations) before deciding to meet about two weeks later. It was an intense attraction from the start- physical and emotional. Since then,we see each other every week, mostly weekends when he does not have his girls, but sometimes long weekends (given the distance - about 2 hours by car).

We have been intimate, recently. We both wanted to wait at least a month before any kind of intimacy. He did have an intimate relationship with someone since his wife and he separated (a friend with benefits type situation). So I am not the first person he has been with since the demise of his relationship.

His children are 9 and 4. I have met them twice, but he and I do not touch or display any affection when in their presence- they consider me to be dad's friend and I am very careful and respectful of their relationship with their dad. We have gone to a restaurant together and another time, went to a waterpark with other adults and children their age.

 

He was indeed expecting 50% custody of them (a large part of the battle) and is crushed that he will likely only get off weekends and one day a week with them (the oldest is not his natural daughter but he has raised her for 8 of her 9 years). He is often very depressed about the fact that he no longer has them in his life every day and I can only relate the recent loss of my father to his own loss- we have both cried on the phone together about these losses.

 

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Clepine,

You were right when you said it would be difficult for anyone to say with certainty if this would be a rebound situation or not. The fact that he did have an intimate relationship since he and his wife split, although it might not seem like it, is a good thing. Whatever rebound issues he had, may have worked themselves out with this other woman. The fact that you talk about a future together is another good sign, and a year from his wife is a good amount of time.

With that being said, there's still a lot to learn about one another, and a couple of months is not really enough time to know someone well enough to move in or even know that you love them, as the first few months is considered an 'infatuation' phase. You might want to hold off a little longer on saying I love you, and see how things progress. The very best way to know how someone really feels about you is the way they act. If he's been honest with you, treats you with dignity and respect, keeps his word and his promises, is easy to get in touch with, calls you regularly, and returns your calls within a decent amount of time, listens to you when you talk, takes your feelings into consideration, then it would stand to reason that he does care about you and is worthy of being given a chance with you.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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