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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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Hi,Well I have been onhere before and all the help is appreciated.It

Customer Question

Hi,Well I have been onhere before and all the help is appreciated.It is still about the guy that I me online 2 years ago.I drove 4 houre to vistit him 2 years ago.I am 48 and he is 60.When I got there he was not what he looked like in the photo,because he was older than what he said in his profile.He is 3 times divorced and dated alot of women.I have kept the phone conversations going for this long.He is now saying that if I do not get down there to vistit today,that it will not work.This is the only way he say that can we kind find out if it works,if I come there for about 1 week .He told me last night that he even told this older neighbor lady that he is so used to livivng alone now.He was even talking about his old marriages to me last night.He also asked me if I fixed my hair the way he says I look betterr with.Why is he so good at manipulating me?He can change moods in an instant and it scares me.He is a retired cop and says he has no income to visit me.This is making me feelsad
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

 

Welcome Back to JustAnswer! I helped you before and I'm sorry to hear your situation hasn't gotten any better since then. It seems like he wants to control every aspect to the relationship and it's up to you to let him know that you aren't going to be controlled by him or any other man for that matter. He wants you to be there whenever he wants you to be but does absolutely nothing to meet you half way literally. He wants you to change everything about you and does nothing to change himself for your happiness and also wants you to do the traveling because he doesn't have the money or just doesn't want to do the traveling. If his moods scare you then don't you think you need to rethink being with this man. I remember we talked before about this and I said you deserve better but I can say it all I want but you have to want better for yourself and feel that you deserve someone that treats you the way you should be treated. The only reason he tells you if you change your hair you would look better is because he think you would look better for him not for yourself. He wants you to change everything about yourself to please him but still he has done nothing to change his terrible attitude and the way he talks and treats you.

 

If I were you I would take a week of vacation and go there and see if possibly things are better then but I really doubt they will be and if his dominate behavior continues I would leave him and never look back make this your make or break visit and stick by it, if you go there and you get along for the most part and he is nicer to you then try it out and see where things go but if he hasn't change and is mean and ignorant to you then I think you should pack up your clothes and go home and make up your mind that this guy isn't for you. I think you've been alone so long that you don't think you can find someone else and you don't want to grow old waiting for that special guy to come along but I wouldn't want to grow old with such an angry and mean man that doesn't respect you or the way you feel especially if you have told him that his actions towards you hurt your feelings and make you sad.

 

It just doesn't seem like he cares about you or your feeling and only cares about himself. you shouldn't have to change anything about yourself to make him happy and if you look the same as you did when he saw you for the first time, I don't understand why he is so hooked up on your clothes and hair when he looks nothing like he told you he looked but still you gave him a fair chance, he is being very unfair and the next time he asks you to change your hair tell him you never asked him to change anything even though he looked nothing like he had described to you but you still gave him a chance. My opinion is that you leave this guy alone to be miserable alone he just doesn't realize a good thing when he has it and find someone that is more your type but you have to want better for yourself.

Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer

 

I am a psychologist and would be happy to help you with your question. Kimberly Ann asked me to chat with you and answer your question. Would that be helpful? If so, please answer these questions for me.

 

Have you ever been married before?

 

Have you ever been in a serious relationship...not long distance?

 

What do you find so attractive about this man?

 

Tell me a little about your relationship with you parents.

 

Thanks!

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi again and I am so glad it was you.You know exactly the way I am thinking.I am almost 49 and I know I pre menopause.I have the mood swings and hot flashes etc.I look arounsd and I see women that have got married and had families,like they should have.I feel lost and I am not sure where to turn sometimes.On top of this all,one of the biggest reasons that I am afraid to take a week there is my little schnauzer has diabetes and I am having a real hard time controlling it.The vet keeps trying different things.My mom is older and she is afraid to give shots.I have explained this to him and he says he is done with excuses.Anothere reason is I am afraid of being treated poorly by him.I think he just wants me for awhile and then send me home.I have never met anyone with such up and down moods.Why would he bring up ex wives and girlfriends to me and say that he really loved them?That hurts me.He told me last night he would have married the last one,but she left him.I somehow need to get off this rollercoaster.I know that I hang on way too long,hoping for thing to change.
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer

 

I am a psychologist and would be happy to help you with your question. Kimberly Ann asked me to chat with you and answer your question. Would that be helpful? If so, please answer these questions for me.

 

Have you ever been married before?

 

Have you ever been in a serious relationship...not long distance?

 

What do you find so attractive about this man?

 

Tell me a little about your relationship with you parents.

 

Thank you for answering these questions!

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi there,I have never been married and I am almost 49.I have had previous relationships,but they never lasted more than one year.Alomst all of the men I have been involved with have been either mentally or physically abusive.This goes way back to the very start of my dating life.I started dating late,about 26 years old.It was after college,as I was so wrapped up in my music.He threw me on the floor and hit me.Well,back to now I went online and it has been a nightmare.These kind even find me online.First an M.D. that grabbed me by the neck.I ran from that one.Now a retired cop that is putting me down.I was a very over protected child,with one sister.My dad gave our family everything we needed.He had a temper though and if we made mistakes we had to hide them.If some problems came up he would say why did you do that and what is going to happen now.He was a perfectionist to the extreme and had a nervous breakdown later in life.It was very sad and it was hard for me to not know how to help him back.The doctor could hardly work with him.Let me know if you need anything else.Thanks.
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer

 

I am going to give you an answer that you might not expect to hear. In fact, this may be the first time you have thought about your situation this way. I'm not going to say this is absolutely correct, but I would like you to give it some thought. To you, it seems as though bad guys "find you." You stated that, "These kind even find me online." You have been the victim of abuse on multiple occasions in your life. It is very sad that you had to suffer through these terrible relationships. They must have robbed you of so much joy in your life. Now comes the part you may not expect...Although you seem to think these bad men "find you," I am going to suggest that perhaps you seek them out without realizing it. You seem to "find" yourself in one bad relationship after another. At some point, you have to ask yourself why that might be. Either you have the worst luck in the world or you are making choices that lead you to more abusive men. It sounds like your father was a troubled man and you said that you wanted to "help him" but that you did not know how. Sometimes when people want to help a parent but are not able to help, they are left feeling inadequate. When this happens, adult relationships become a continuation of the parent-child relationship. That is, you are seeking out "damaged" men, with the hope that things will change. You unconsciously hope that by changing the "damaged" guy, you will have helped your father, no longer feeling inadequate. You repeat the same pattern over and over with the hope that maybe the next time things will work out the right way. The paradox is that things will never turn out the right way because it is not possible to make someone else change. You could not have helped your father! You cannot help the man you have been dating! He will remain just like he is....abusive and neglectful. You found another damaged man and you are trying to fix him. You put up with one insult after another...just for the hope that you might be able to make it work out this time around. You need to give up on saving dad. Let it go! Stop getting involved with men that you can clearly see are mean and abusive. Do not put up with that behavior. You are worth so much more than that. No one should be allowed to tear you down and make you hurt so badly. You cannot save this guy...you need to get out before you just get hurt again. Find an honorable man...one who will treat you like his queen. If you do not find an honorable man...it is better to be alone than in an abusive relationship. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK...IT WONT WORK! You do not need to spend another minute with an abusive man. Think back to when you were young....is this the type of man that you dreamed about? Is this your prince charming? If not, you need to walk in the other direction until you find him. He is out there! You are just looking in the wrong direction.

 

If you found this answer helpful, please click ACCEPT so that I get paid for my time. Bonuses are greatly appreciated if you found my answer worthy. For future questions, you can request me by typing "question for JR" in the subject line.

JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience: I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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