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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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My 15 year relationship ended approximately a year ago. He

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My 15 year relationship ended approximately a year ago. He was truly the love of my life, and I miss him terribly. He ended it, and almost immediately started dating someone else, that he is still dating. I have never stopped loving him, and I am still hoping he will come back one day. He knows how I feel. Here is my dilema...he calls me about 3-4 times a month, and we usually talk for an hour or more catching up etc. I never call him. Sometimes I don't answer his calls because I'm afraid of breaking down and I don't want to do that to him or myself. I have some serious health issues that I don't know if I should share with him or not, and more importantly I don't know what is the best way to deal with his phone calls. Of course I love talking to him. Should I keep talking to him when he calls? Would it be better to ignore his calls. Should I ask him not to call? What gives me the best chance of him wanting me back?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.

Hi Julia,

 

I am a clinical psychologist and would be happy to help you with your question. It would help me to better assist you if you could answer these questions:

 

What are your ages?

 

Why did he end the relationship?

 

Were you married?

 

Have you ever been in another serious, long-term relationship?

 

Are there any children involved?

 

What do you get out of talking to him on the phone? What does it do for you? How does it hurt you?

 

Thanks.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for replying so fast.

I am 55 and he is 47. From our appearance no one would ever notice an age difference. He has always said that age would never be an issue, but honestly I did sometimes feel that he might one day feel he had missed out on some things. Due more to his young 1st marriage based on an unplanned pregnancy, than our relationship. He became a father before he was ready, and I know he always felt trapped.

 

When we met he was raising a 4yr old and a 6 yr old. I was raising my children- 8yrs, 10yrs, 16yrs and17yrs. I had been married for18 years to someone who was very abbusive. We fell in love and lived together for 6yrs trying to create a blended family. We were unprepared for trying to raise 6 children in a blended family, and we both had exes that did everything they could to create havok in our lives.

 

At a low moment in our relationship he turned away from me and came very close to having an affair with his ex., it devestated me. We loved each other very much but I became overwhelmed and made the decision that we needed to live in seperate houses until the children all graduated from high school. I have lived to regret that decision, I know it hurt him and my step-children very much. For financial reasons we had never legally married, so moving to sperate houses was too easy.

 

We were engaged to actually get married June of 2007, when he suddenly broke it off. The reason he gave was being unable to completely forgive me for that decision to break us apart years ago. He never felt I truly understood how damaging that decision had been. He was right. I had convinced myself it was justified.

 

After I lost him I went into therapy and did a lot of soul searching. It took time for me to accept my accountability, and we have talked about that at great length. He denies this, but I firmly believe if this girl he's dating hadn't been in the picture we would have weathered the storm and be on our way to having that life we always dreamed and talked about. But I also might have never been forced to acknowledge my role in the past .

 

When he calls I just love to hear his voice. I sometimes fear something could happen to him and I wouldn't even know. I suppose I'm always hoping that he misses me and will one day say he wants to see me. Hoping that the relationship he's in is just a passing mid-life crisis. We never talk about us or the past, he knows from letters I wrote him when we first broke up how much I love him and believe we belong together. I would never bring "us" up, I don't want to push or pressure him. I'm sure I would start crying, being apart from him is very sad for me. On the phone I try to sound O.K. and up-beat. I stear clear of anything that might make me be emotional.

 

I just wonder if I'm doing the right thing by talking to him at all, and trying to hide my sadness. I want him to come back and I don't want to sabotage any chance of that happening. I really don't know what to do. Any advice is welcome. Oh yea, I see his children and communicate with them independently of him, we have a good relationship. And we never discuss him or his girlfriend. Thank you

Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.

Julia,

 

Wow! That is one mixed up situation you have got there. Forgive me if I am blunt, but I think you are in need of this answer. The whole situation sounds a little odd to me. Your ex's behavior sounds somewhat childish and as you said, like a "midlife crisis." However, I am concerned about your attitude regarding your decision to move out years ago. You were absolutely 200% correct to move your children out of that blended home and into their own home. Blended families create sooooo much stress on children, especially when you have 6 kids...my goodness! Wow. You actually made the correct choice mom. You were protective of your children...which is and should always be priority number 1 in your life. You made a wise decision to leave the house. In fact, I rarely advise clients to get involved in a romantic dating relationship until their children are over the age of 18. If you asked me back then, I would have told you to focus on your children and tell this guy he would have to wait until the children were out of the house. People try to make this work all the time...unfortunately, real life is not the Brady Bunch. You experienced firsthand what it can be like and I'm sure it was very hard for your children. So as far as your guilt is concerned.....get rid of it! You did the right thing...I am actually proud of you for making that decision. You were not selfish...good for you!

 

As far as this man is concerned, you are no longer in a relationship with him....so why are you still talking to him? He made his decision a year ago. He decided he was going to give you some silly excuse for leaving you and run off and pursue his midlife crisis. My God.....this is not the type of man one should pine after. Having lived in an abusive relationship, you probably aren't even aware of what a good man looks like. Guess what...your ex is being abusive to you NOW! By calling you, he is abusing you. You just do not see it. He is torturing you and you put up with it just so you can hear his voice. It is time that you move on from this relationship. Your behavior is, frankly, unhealthy at this point. He is probably having a great time keeping you dangling from his hook. Meanwhile, you suffer emotionally and mentally. This man did not leave you because you decided to move into another apartment way back. He was planning on marrying you for goodness sake! He left because he is selfish and childish! Even at his age...you can behave like a child instead of an adult. You do not deserve this treatment. Your intuition serves you well....You know you should not be talking to him anymore. You know it is bad for you....but you just can't bring yourself to let go. JUST

LET GO! Now is the time to move on! You cannot bring him back to you. He made his choice and you must let him make it. You know this to be true but you don't want to accept it. Now is the time to work on acceptance...not denial. Tell him that you no longer want to talk to him because it is too hard for you to move on.

 

If you found this helpful, please click ACCEPT so that I get paid for my time. Bonuses are greatly appreciated if you found my answer worthy. Please request me for future questions by typing "question for JR" in the subject line.

JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience: I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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