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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I have been friends for 8 months with this guy We are both

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I have been friends for 8 months with this guy We are both in recovery. He has 7 years and I have 10 months I realize I am in Love with him I have told him and he has told me he loves me too And he is frustrated because he says he cant give me what I need from him right now In AA there is an unwritten rule about not dating your first year of sobriety my gut feeling is that he is in love with me too. We A LOT of time together And atleast talk on the phone once a day, we even finish each others sentences He says he cares about me immensly and hes extremely attracted to me that if he had it his way we would have been committed had sex and been broken up in 6 months and possibly one of us could relapse over it We have never had intercourse but we have practiced oral sex etc I have asked him to have sex with me and he says if we were to he would be enterin into a spiritual commitment that he cant handle at the moment its not just sex What is your take on this situation? is this all bull?
Hello Ver

The fact is, he's already told you that he is not able to commit right now. SO he's basically giving you your answer, you're just not willing to accept it, which is natural when you care for someone. The comment about committing, having sex and breaking up in six months and one of you relapsing is scary, and definitely not what you need to be hearing at this time. Have you spoken to your sponsor about it?

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Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Yes I talked to my sponsor. With his dating MO apparently he cares for me greatly due to what his previous history was. My sponsor has known him for years, and has said she has never seen him stick by a girl this long as he has with me, and he usually has quick flings and jumps from girl to girl. so the fact that we haven't had sex is incredible for him. He said for once in his life he has to do something right. And he has previously known girls to relapse after getting into relationships when they weren't ready. And he says with his fragile state of mind he could relapse to. He is barely hanging on to himself. And God forbid he nor I don't feel comfortable coming to meetings due to a bad falling out. That is the last thing he wants for me. I need ot focus on my recovery, its what should come first.
I agree. I know the prospect of finding real love is something that we all want, but being in such a fragile state, its important to follow through on getting well, and staying well, and if the love is there then he won't be going anywhere. I strongly suggest to not have sex, and to even stop the oral sex, until both of you are in a more comfortable place. It's obvious there's some type of attraction there, its just time to take a cue from him, and be mature and responsible about it. If you pressure him, he may eventually give in but the fall-out could be ugly. I say wait....if it's meant to be, it will still happen, but both of you will be standing on stronger ground when it does. I'm here if you want to talk more.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

I agree. We have stopped. We have pretty much stopped the whole physical thing as far as that goes, its been almost 2 months since, and his attitude hasn't changed one bit, which makes me feel better about the situation. I know now he wasn't just using me. I am trying so hard not to pressure him!! And we are both very good at communicating with each other. Which I cherish. Thanks for your time. Smile

It's good that you can communicate, that is truly the key to having a healthy and successful relationship. I know it's hard to be strong, but knowing that it will make things better in the long run helps. You're welcome, and feel free to request me by name anytime you want to talk. You can put 'for chase' in the subject line, I am at your service. :)

all the best


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