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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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Hi-I have written before and it helped.I feel like such a loser,as

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Hi-I have written before and it helped.I feel like such a loser,as the men I get involved with cause me to be so sad.I am 48 and seem to attract the bad ones and can not sem to break free of them.I see and read about the bad signs.Like the last one married 3 times,has trouble visting his mother,does not communicate with his kids much,mad at his sister.If he needs something he will come around.He was nice to me only when it suited him.He turns everything around and I think it is me to blame.I am so lonley and I put up with this crap from the men I have dated.I always think that I will be the one to make it work.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Though it was me that helped you before can I ask you a few more questions?

 

-What was your relationship with your father like?

 

-What type of man was your father?

 

-How did he treat your mother and yourself?

 

-Were you ever married before and if so, what type of marriage was it good or bad?

 

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi,

I am a musician and I traveled alot,but was never married.My father gave the 2 of us- my sister and I anything we needed martialistic.He was very generous,but I was daddys girl.The go-getter.He was very protective of us and I had to fight with him to learn to drive at 22.If anything went wrong my mom and the 2 of us had to hide it.He had his insurance business at the house and we were not alot to answer the phone.His parents lived with us also.There was alot of arguing.He had a hot temper.I am an really good musician,but nothing was ever good enough for him.He did not drink eveyday,but when he did it was way too much.does this have some bearing on my problems with men.Actually,my backround from the very start of dating has been with abusive men.Verbal and physical.I have gone to a counseler and she tells me this cop(the last one)is bad news.Actually .she says all cops are bad.She tells me not to date.I am 48,not 28.I have so many books on things like this.I am not stupid,but I cant seem to conquer my problems with men.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

First may I say you should think about changing to another counselor if she tells you not to date even though she knows that you get lonely that isn't very good advice to tell you that all cops are bad and not to date she or he (the counselor) seems like a very negative energy. Your father does have a lot of bearing on how you view relationships and this may be why you choose such bad men you are trying to find in them what you had in your father and you may also think that this is all you deserve but it isn't what you deserve or need in your life. You really need to find a more positive counselor and ask them to help you through the issues you had with your father because once you can work through those issues with your father and his control issues and drinking this may help you to better see when the problem (bad men) is coming and choose better for yourself and realize that you are worth a good man, there are good and bad cops and for that counselor to tell you that all cops are bad that isn't a true statement for a professional to say to their patient. That counselor seems to be wasting your money you should find a more reputable counselor one that helps you instead of making you feel worse. I have included some self help books and websites that may also help you because your self esteem from being with all of those bad men that treated you badly has made you feel less than worthy:

 

http://www.ivillage.co.uk/relationships/couple/commun/articles/0,,178_525860,00.html

 

http://www.counselling.cam.ac.uk/books/relationships.html

 

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=9772&cn=353

 

http://www.books4selfhelp.com/abusive-relationships.htm

 

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi,Thank you so much.I am really upset,as I also have a psychiatrist that says the same thing and that is why he put me with the lady counselor in his ofice.I cancelled the last time,because she was sounding negative and not giving me any suggestions,like you did.Not even any reading material.That is probably why I am questioning everything I do and have no clue where to turn.When she told me not to date,that depressed me much.I trust you and will check all the reading material you said.One more thing-is this last guy worth anything that I should try to salvage?Is there too much against it?I try to give everybody the benefit of the doubt.None of us are perfect.You would not believe how much you have helped me and given some hope to me that I needed.Thanks.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

No you need someone that considers your feelings and doesn't only think about his all the time like you said the only time he is nice to you is when he wants something from you, you want someone romantic that doesn't just want to sleep with you every time they are near you like you said the last time that when your around him he can not keep his hands off of you, you need someone that will make you feel special during intimacy so that you know you mean the world to them. Unless he is willing to change which it sounds like he is set in his ways then you don't need someone that makes you feel bad about yourself or who makes you question your self worth, you really need someone that helps you know that you are worth being treated well and respected no matter how you wear your hair or what clothes you wear but also you have to know your self worth also in order to see when a good man comes your way and stop being attracted to bad boys because they aren't very much of a man if they don't know by now how to treat a woman they are suppose to care about.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi just once more.Thank you and I called a place about a different counselor.I am waiting for them to get back to me next week.I hope it is somebody like you.I think that at his age ,it would be a miracle if he changed.He already said that if we worked out, I could get a job to help out.He never offered to help with my gas money when I visited him.Everytime I stood up to him ,he hung the phone up and also told me that he only liked submissive women.Do you think he is abbusive?Does not sound good.I have one more thing to ask.Do you think my best bet is to get new help and read some of the material that you suggested?Thanks for listening and I will always ask for you.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

Only read the ones that you think will help you don't read them all and yes I think it would be in your best interest to find another counselor that can better help you to understand WHY you choose these men and doesn't just tell you not to date anyone. Just check out the websites I sent you and if some of them catch your eye and sound like something that will benefit you then read them. I do think he has verbal abuse tendencies but physically I doubt he would be able and if he wants a submissive woman tell him that you are not the woman for him then and then next time you stick up for yourself and he hangs up on leave it go at that and move on or tell him you don't think he is the man for you. Don't think that you won't find someone else because you will but try to make it after you figure out why you choose the wrong men for you. If it takes dating several men then take your time and do that just to see which one is best for you and then make your decision.

 

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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