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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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Marriage related

Customer Question

I am married 1 year back but due to my late job and mom/parents are not happy with my wife she is having an affair with her collegue. I came to know and discussed with her but she cannot forget that person so i asked to go ahead but the problem here is she is attached to me as well she is confused to what to do what world will say in all this I am disturbed always now she is staying with her parents as I told her stay there for a while but she cannot express this to her parents as they will feel offended and will not tolerate but the problem is I care for her so i am really confused what should i do seeking an advice if you need additional input please let me know.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-So you've been married a year? If so, how long were you together before you got married?

 

-Do you want to save your marriage or you're not sure?


-Could you explain about her parents a little more?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

 

-What are your ages?

>> I am 30 she is 24

-So you've been married a year? If so, how long were you together before you got married?

>> before marriage 3 years we with family consent got engaged we had a great love during that time in dreams also we never thought that we will face this kind of situation.

-Do you want to save your marriage or you're not sure?

>>I want to save my marriage but do not know how to.
-Could you explain about her parents a little more?
>> Her parents are good understanding, 3 years back there were proper family consent accordingly are engagement held. Actually there is a generation gap between my mother and her and both expectations never matched so she was upset and my office hours were late therefore I could not spend much time with her I always try to convince her that things would be fine but never actually taken any steps to resolve the family problem.so even after she left at office early she used to come home late spending time with her collegue initially they were discussing each others issues and finally landup with all this. the day i came she was crying a lot she explained that due to your mom and in the search of happiness i landed in this. Being the eldest son in my family equally attached to mom/dad and her. Now i am even ready to stay with her seperately and discussed with my mom/dad they have no issue but still she cannot decide on it.
Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

It seems like the main issue beside the fact that you worked too late was your relationship with your mother and this made her feel like she wasn't enough for you, it's good to have a great relationship with your parents but once you get married your total attention should be on your wife and forsake all others. You should have made it clear to your mother that you are you married now and though you love her very much that in order to have a successful marriage you have to attend to your wife's needs and all other needs second, she (your wife) didn't feel she came first in your life and she was starting to feel lonely for she had no one to turn to and this may be why she turned to her colleague because they were probably around each other way more than the two of you were and found in this colleague what she truly wanted from you but her cheating is not your fault and you seem like you may be blaming yourself it is up to her as a married woman to say "no I am married" though the colleague approached her during her most vulnerable moment it happened and in order to have a healthy marriage you have to get past the fact that she cheated on you.

 

If she feels the same way you do and wants the marriage to work then you both have to consider extensive counseling Marriage or Couples counseling, you won't be able to get passed the cheating on your own by just forgetting about it and the counseling will both help her and yourself understand why she did it and how you both can get passed this and actually make your relationship better and make you both better at communicating how the other is feeling I think that was a huge part of your problems she didn't feel appreciated enough by you and you didn't feel needed by her because she had the colleague to turn to instead of coming to her husband. I think counseling is something you need as soon as possible don't put it off until it's too late and she no longer wants to work on the marriage. If you're not sure if she does want to work on the marriage ask her what she wants and tell her you are willing to do what it takes to get your marriage back on track and stronger than what it was.

 

She may want to think about finding another job so that the temptation of the colleague is no longer there because as long as she is still working with the colleague you may always have trust issues where you are wondering what they are doing there at work. Don't demand that she do this maybe bring it up at counseling if you do decide to go and perhaps the counselor can better get her to understand why leaving her job is part of the healing process so that the colleague can not interfere with the healing process or give your wife bad advice about the two of you just because they may want her to be theirs. Talk to your wife and see what she says when you suggest the counseling to her and if you want her back tell her that and also try to talk to your mom and tell her in order to get your marriage back you have to concentrate more on your wife and not other people right now. Make your wife your main concern right now to show her that is the way it can always be and then make it a point to always put your wife first before all others.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Good suggestion thanks you exactly described the issue we are facing. Tomorrow I am going talk to my wife about this if she wanted our marriage to work then I will pay whole attention to her and stay seperately from my parents and personally will help her to find a new job but if she still feels we should part away then what should i do? please advice. I have no problem if she part away (from my heart i do not feel like) but I wanted to see her happy if she is with me or not, do not want to her go in depression because she will worry about what people will say.

I wanted to support her to make her own life the way she wanted i am ready to support her at any extent to just help her to live life happily ever after and i also know about her collegue he is a nice guy and great performer in their office even he is connected to her and he told her to decide what she want if she wants to save her marriage then he is ready to go far away and if she wants to come to him then he is ready to marry her without caring of the world.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

 

Customer

 

Your wife has to want this marriage to work as much as you and if she isn't ready or willing to do this then you have to respect her choice and tell her that you will support whatever she needs to be happy and content with life and if that means not being with you then you are willing to do that if you tell her this she may realize what she has in you and at least agree to the counseling sessions but she has to be willing to do the counseling and even if she refuses and doesn't want the marriage it is important for you to receive counseling to help work through the hurt and the guilt you are feeling and realize that it wasn't just your actions that caused the failure of the marriage and the sooner you realize this the easier it will be to move if she doesn't want the marriage anymore and also you won't take all of the baggage and guilt into your next relationship. Just make sure before you start another relationship if your wife decides she doesn't want the marriage anymore that you don't rush into another relationship right away get closure from the marriage before you even consider dating someone else or dating period.

 

Your wife can not worry about what people will say especially if it makes her depressed you don't want her to stay with you just because if default you want her to want to be there with you and work this out and maybe if you told her that she will find it much easier to make her decision whether it be good or bad like you said you want her to be happy. Tell her you don't care what people will think all you are worried about is her happiness and her well being that will show her that she does mean everything to you after all. Just give it a try and still suggest counseling even if she doesn't want the marriage just so she can move on and doesn't feel alone.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Excellent, Thanks Kimberly for the wonderful feedback I will clear things with my wife and hope things will be fine. You really given me the solution to my restless nights I had spent. Your answers are sensible and you had actually put yourself in my shoes and adviced I appreciate!!! Once again Thank you so much. Chao!!!

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
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