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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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I recently had an eight years relationship breakup. During

Resolved Question:

I recently had an eight years relationship breakup. During the time I had a friend that was very supportive and help me went thru my breakup. We started to spend a lot of times on the tennis court since he coaches me. We spend almost every week playing tennis every Tuesday and Saturday, we sometime get together for lunch, dinner, drinks. I can sense that there are attractions between us but he denied the fact and now is backing off a little. He used to call and ask how my days go and such. I confess my feelings for him and he told me that the timming is not right for a more intimate relationship. That I will find someone much better to match up with me and I will be very happy. There were a time when we flirted and he opened up a little. Now that I push for more. He seems to pull back. He still make tennis appointment with me but still acted distant. Can it be that he wants to take things slow or is he not interested?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 5 years ago.

Hi kimloanle,

 

I am a psychologist and would be happy to help you with your question. First, answer these questions so that I may better assist you.

 

What are your ages?

 

Has he ever been married?

 

Have you ever been married?

 

What do you want out of this relationship?

 

Has he ever told you that he was interested in you or are you just assuming?

 

Thanks!

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

We are both 43 with one daughter. Both divorce over nine years ago.

We are good friends which I can feel that there are physical attractions. We like each other's company and he normally call me everyday. Now backing off, less phone calls, less responses to my text or phone messages.

 

I just wanted to see if we can get closer to see if things can develope into a more intimate relationship. He told me always that love hurts, and that I should marry for money only.

 

no he never confess his feelings for me. He said friends are much better but I do see that he cares for me. Help? what should I do? He's been on vacation this past week and has not called me. Thanks

Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 5 years ago.

Hi Kim,

 

Based on what you have told me, I am thinking that he does not want to pursue a relationship. He may have enjoyed flirting with you but it seems like he is afraid of getting close to you for some reason. Perhaps the wounds from his first marriage have left him bitter about love and intimacy. It seems like you may be barking up the wrong tree if you know what I mean. He is no prepared to love, as he is afraid of getting hurt. He enjoyed flirting with you and talking to you but once he thought you were falling for him, he started to pull away. He probably could sense that he wanted to fall for you but knew that he was not ready to get involved. He is pulling away to get rid of those feelings. First of all, it is not exactly professional for him to date his client. Second, he is vulnerable and does not want to get close to you in that way for the fear of falling in love...which equals eventually getting "hurt" in his eyes. I suggest that you respect his boundaries and do not push for a relationship. If he really wants you, he will come for you. You do not need to convince him to come for you. Just be friendly and play it cool. If this relationship is what he wants, he will go for it. You should just relax and let this situation play out a little. Try not to read into his behavior too much. I think he is just afraid of intimacy and you represent that to him. Don't worry, just wait for him to call. Try not to seem desperate. He will approach you more if you back off. Give this a shot and see how it works out. Get back to me in a little while and let me know how things play out. You just need to let him make the move...it is never good to force it.

 

If you found this answer helpful, please click ACCEPT so that I get paid for my work. Bonuses are greatly appreciated if you found my answer worthy. Please request me for future questions by typing "question for JR" in the subject line. I will be gone for a few hours but will be back tonight if you would like follow up.

JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience: I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
JR, M.A. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
what about him afraid of being my rebound date and are trying to slow things down. Could that be the case? I am not his client. We are just tennis friends for 2 yrs plus. He also made comments like let such and such person be a rebound guy. There are lots of little comments that he made that causes me to think this. Also, I think you are on the right track by saying he's afraid of getting hurt. He notice every little thing about me and very observant. Is that not a sign of interest? He has not drop our outstanding Tuesday night tennis together. Does that mean he is still trying to keep us seeing each other? Maybe i'm reading more into his actions? How long is a waiting time for this type of situation? Is it best just to walk away?
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 5 years ago.

Hi Kim,

 

Ok, based on this additional information, there could be a couple of things going on, although it is important to remember that we are just speculating about this and cannot possibly know what is going on his mind. Yes, it may be that he is afraid of being your rebound guy, especially if he is already afraid of getting hurt. He may think that you will just use him to get over the other relationship and then break his heart. However, there is no way of knowing this unless you actually talk to him about his actions recently. On the other hand, he may be using the "rebound issue" as an excuse to avoid getting close to you, just because he is afraid of getting close to a woman period. It could be either way, but the only way you can find out is by talking with him. When you said, "How long is the waiting time for this type of situation?" it tells me that you are getting impatient with this situation. It sounds like you want an easy solution...but there is no easy solution or set "waiting time." Here is what you should do if you do not want to wait for him to make the first move. I know you are anxious about this and it is driving you nuts. So, you really need to sit down and talk with him about your feelings for him. You need to make it clear that you have real feelings for him and that you would be interested in getting to know him in a more intimate way. You need to stress that he is not a rebound guy, but someone you have genuine feelings for. Tell him that you are scared of getting hurt again too and that you don't want to rush into anything. Assure him that you are aware of the fact that he doesn't really believe in love anymore, but tell him that you are just looking to take your relationship in a different direction. Make sure he knows that you are not ready to "jump on the love train" if you know what I mean. This way Kim, you will finally get your answer...even though it might sound scary to have the conversation. The best cure for your anxiety will be to confront what you are avoiding. That is, talking to him about how the both of you are really feeling. Have this conversation with him when he gets back. Tell him that you have been doing a lot of thinking and want to talk to him about something. Sit down and have the conversation with him ASAP. Get your answer...clear the air....take a breath. It will help you to feel better and who knows what good might come of it. If you do this, come back on JustAnswer and ask another question. You can request me by typing "question for JR" in the subject line. I will respond to you as soon as I can and I can help you work through this. Does that sound like a plan?

 

If you found this answer helpful, please click ACCEPT so that I get paid for my time. Bonuses are greatly appreciated if you found my answer worthy.

 

JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience: I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
JR, M.A. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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