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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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My ex is in a real unhealthy relationship in my eyes, am I right

Resolved Question:

I have been with my now ex for 15 yrs. I was an alcoholic & went into treatment 06 to 09/07. When I got out he had plans for us I clearly was not ready for. I needed time and left him. He was devastated. I eventually moved back and he met this girl really likes & he dated her on and off. He has been nothing but dishonest, mistrusting, & disloyal to her. With me he is the opposite but I can clearly see he isn't the same person and he admits he is a mess. I am going on a 30 day car trip with him, strictly business, no romantic intentions. The timing is off and the girl is back and wants to be serious this time. He knows he will probably lose her, doesn't want to & is having a hard time bringing up the subject to her. I know he has great sex with her, and he tells me they r just hanging out & she is not his gf. She is under the impression that him & I don't even talk. Now loyal (sexually), but still dishonest and mistrusting to her. There is so much more but I can't fit it all! Unhealthy?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer

 

I am a psychologist and would be happy to help you with your question. First, answer these questions so that I can better assist you.

 

What are your ages? (including his new honey)

 

How long have they been "dating"?

 

Do you have any plans to get back with your ex?

 

Are you asking whether his behavior is unhealthy or his relationship with this woman?

 

Thanks!

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am 29, he is 32, and she is 27.

They started dating in march but was cheating on her with me (sexually only). They were on and off for two to three weeks at a time. They fought a lot and kept just being friends. She had a very controlling ex husband and wanted freedom to go out and have fun with her friends at the time. Him and I tried dating for a week or two here and there when they were on a break but he broke it off as it felt kind of forced like we were trying too hard to create our old spark. This feeling was mutual as by that time I was getting tired not to mention unattracted by his actions, and getting over him. But that last time we decided to go into business together on a genious idea as we work really well and get along together. A few weeks later she came back into the picture wanting to be serious but he says they just hang out. To me that means he is pardon my french "pussy whipped" cause she really is open about exploration but I think wants to also see if she is the one. He does really like her. He is very open and honest and trusts me, but I don't quite see that he is doing that with her. He admits to me he can't be alone, he doesn't like it. Him and I tried to separate our cell phone plans and we ended up renewing it on the same plan as he said he didn't like the idea of our plans being split up. Cell phone plan separation anxiety? Come on. When I left him he told me his whole world crushed. He felt lost for a long time until he met her. But from the outside looking in the whole relationship seems to be lacking what builds a strong foundation...honesty, trust, and loyalty. He used to be focused, and stuck to his good values and more mature. He told me when I left him he stopped caring about everything. His actions have kind of turned into like how a teenager would act. I told him a couple days ago my concerns and he told me he doesn't even know if he is coming or going anymore. He is very selfish on certain things, not thinking of others but I think that comes from being an only child. Anyways he asked me if I would "fib" to her saying that I have a boyfriend when I don't. He thinks that will soften the blow and she might not leave him. I told him I stick to my values and if I don't have those who am I? I told him I don't want to get involved. That he should have thought about this beforehand. He asked me if I could hear him up there on my morality high horse. I told him he should get on one, its a real good place to be! Anyways he still hasn't told her. I know that this trip is also a good opportunity to help clear his head. He is a decent human being, and I hate seeing this radical change of behavior in him. Its just not who he really is. But I can't change that.

As far as getting back together right now I have not romatic intentions and neither does he. I don't know if it is even possible to get back together in that way. I told him flat out that I am not even attracted to him anymore. But yes, it bothers me kind of knowing that he is with her, but I think that is quite normal. I mean we will always love each other. He didn't say anything when I told him that. I would probably be attracted to him if he could get back to how he was. I guess if chemistry happened naturally it would be the only way but right now there is none whatsoever.

I know his behavior is unhealthy I am also thinking that it really is with her. Could that type of relationship really lead to something more?
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer

 

I am going to be completely honest about this and say that the whole situation is unhealthy, including his behavior, your behavior, and his relationship with this girl on the side. It sounds like you two got together when you were really young and he built his entire sense of self around his relationship with you. Men will sometimes base their sense of self worth on their relationship with a woman. That is why he felt so "crushed" when you broke it off. He felt like he lost his very self...he lost his identity in you. He replaced you with this other troubled girl. He knows that she is not you and because of that, he will not commit to her. He probably wants to be with you but is afraid of getting hurt again. Even his behavior, as you said, has reverted back to adolescence...Think about it....around the time when he first met you! He is very confused and hurt. He is trying to use this other woman to fill the void that you left. This will not be successful for him, as he has selected a girl with a troubled past who will not be reliable either. So to answer your question, YES...his behavior is very unhealthy and he could benefit from seeing a psychologist. His relationship with this woman is not what he needs right now in his life. To answer what I alluded to in the beginning of this answer, I also believe that your behavior with him is unhealthy. If you are not planning on getting back together with him, you should not be continuing this relationship. He is tortured by your presence but not willing to let go because he loves you too much. He is afraid of losing you...whether you can see that or not. You said you are looking for a "spark" or "chemistry." Unfortunately, real, lasting relationships are not built on a "spark" The spark will always fade! Real relationships are built on commitment! Love is actually a choice...not a feeling. You have to choose to love...and that means that you won't always feel "chemistry" or even happy for that matter. It takes great maturity to love...it is selfless. You are not ready to love him. Nor do I believe he is ready to love you. You are looking for some fleeting feeling...I'm sorry but this is not a foundation for true love. You are driving this guy crazy and he does not know how to communicate this to you. Either make a choice to give the relationship a real go or tell him that it is completely over. You are not being fair to this man or this other woman. You were right about not lying to the girlfriend...but you need to stop lying to yourself about the nature of your relationship with this man. You are setting yourself up for a lot of hurt...and you are already hurting him! I apologize if you are not ready to hear this, but I have no doubt about what I have told you above. I know I was blunt but I want you to really get the message. You are asking about how unhealthy he is behaving, when your behavior is quite questionable. Please do not take offense to this but see it as an opportunity to really question what you are doing. We don't have enough opportunities in life to really question our own behavior. Best wishes to you! Please make the right decision for you and this man. This type of relationship is leading to disaster...most certainly.

 

If you found this answer helpful, please click ACCEPT so that I get paid for my work. Bonuses are greatly appreciated if you found my answer worthy. Please request me for future questions by typing "question for JR" in the subject line. Thanks!

JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience: I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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