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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My boyfriend and I split up a little while ago because he had

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My boyfriend and I split up a little while ago because he had just gone through a painful divorce, wasn't sure whether he was going to be moving back to Canada or not, felt that things were getting too quickly between us (at his instigation) and that he should start putting his children first. Do you think it's the end of the road for us? He wants us to meet up again when he's more grounded. I don't know what to do. Can you give me any advice?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello Nx,

How long were you together?

Were you together while he was married?

What are your ages?

When does he think he will feel more 'grounded'?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Hello there Chase

We were together for 4 months, but we weren't together constantly because he lives in Nice at the moment and i live in the UK. Despite that, we were in contact with each other and met up together very often. He believes that it was fated that we should meet each other, because neither of us were looking, but we got on so well straight away and were very comfortable in each other's company

To give you a little background his wife had an affair and they split up because of it. She has had affairs before and I think it was one time too many. They separated and the three children split their time between them. She started not coming home when she was supposed to from work and wanted to have a reconciliation with him, but he wasn't interested. He decided to bring his children back to the UK and put them into Boarding School near his parents. He is a property developer and agreed to project manage some work that his sister was having done on a villa which she had bought (she wanted to get him away from the situation, because it was making him very depressed and he couldn't move on). This was about 18 months ago. We met up last year and became close very quicly. I think a lot of the problem was that it was too soon after he split up from his wife and although I tried to keep things just friendly between us, he wanted things too progress between us. The thing is, it was all a bit of a whirlwind. His children are homesick. His roots are in Canada and when he went back out there earlier in the year, despite the fact that he said he was up to it and would be able to deal with it ok, finalising his divorce and being back in familiar surroundings really knocked him for six. Also because he doesn't know where he's going to live or work, he wants to get his head around everything rather than lead me up the garden path. The last time we met he told me everything that happened between his wife and prior to that didn't really want to speak to me about it and had said that he wouldn't speak to me about it until we were more intimately involved and that he didn't know how he was going to cope going out to Canada and not speaking to me for a while. Then boom, it's all over

I am 39 and he is 45

I don't know the answer to when he will be more 'grounded'. He's a Taurus (if you are into star signs . . . I know some people read a lot into those kind of things). He is still in contact with me, albeit sporadically and the last time we spoke just before he went back out to Canada again (he is out there at the moment with his children) he said that we would meet up again one of these days and that I should remember that I'm a little Bobby Dazzler

The whole thing has left me feeling all over the place and it's hard to know what to do for the best. I am finding it all very difficult to understand and just wondered if you could give me some advice

PS: Apologies for harping on and on and on my sweet!

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hi Niki,

It doesn't bother me, the more info you give me the better. :) The bad thing about this situation is that he's no longer really communicating with you. He's kind of put you on a back burner, without direction. This can mean one or two things....either he genuinely wants to get things together, or he's used it as a way to put you off permanently, but isn't man enough to come out and say so. It's not uncommon for the first woman that a man gets involved with after his divorce to be the "rebound", and unfortunately those relationships never last very long. The man is feeling terrible because his wife cheated or doesn't want him, he finds comfort in a new person which gives him the strength to carry on with his life, but unfortunately with this strength comes the realization that he may not necessarily carry on his life with another person just yet.

The situation being what it is, all you can do is sit and wait for him to figure things out, which could be never, or try and move on with your life and if he does want to eventually come back into your life, you can look back and decide if it's worth it to you. If he really cares about you, you won't have to ask, he will be sure to keep in touch with you, see how your doing, and make sure that the lines of communication are there. Sometimes this is also used as a form of control, him not really wanting to be with you, but also not wanting to lose you. Its up to you to see how you feel about the way he's acting a to judge whether or not you think he is serious or simply playing games. I welcome you thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.



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