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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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leave in relationships I think my husband is a sex addict. He left me

Customer Question

I think my husband is a sex addict. He left me for a woman he met on an adult sex site, and I know that they frequent swinger clubs. How long does it take on average for a sex addict to hit bottom? He has had gonorrhea twice in the past year, and his partner is an RN, so it sure looks like it is very out of control. I am dealing with this very well with counseling and my support network, but he is initiating contact with me (not in an attempt to reconcile) and I am trying t gauge where he is in the progression of his behavioural addiction.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

 

-What are your ages?

 

-How long have you been married to him?

 

-How long ago did he leave?

 

-Is he getting counseling also?

 

-Are there children involved?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am 47, he is 40. We have been maried 14 years. He left almost a year ago. No, he is not in counseling. The one time we went he was so agnry and full of rage, the counselor refused to treat him. No children. We were very happy for many years. We had a protracted legal situation for two years and we disagreed on how to deal with it. At night, I sat outside and drank while he stayed on the computer. Apparently he eventually started going to sites like adult friend finders and started the affair with the RN he is with know. I found photos and videos of them having sex with multiple partners. I no longer drink and am content with the direction my life is headed, but I will always love him. We were VERY close. Whether or not we are ever back together, I want to try to understand his addiction so that I have insight into the behavior. If he were drinking, I would understand the progression, but I am clueless about how long it usually takes to bottom out in a sexual addiction.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Gzeess,

 

Sometimes sex addicts never bottom out because the sex addiction takes a hold of them, the only way he will be able to control this behavior is through extensive counseling but he has to want to change the path his life has taken and right now he is with someone that excepts his lifestyle to he may never want that help and it could end up being too late because he could contract a more serious sexually transmitted disease that he won't be able to get rid of and may very well kill him. The fact that he stays in contact with you could mean many things one could be that he misses you, you were his best friend for many years and also it could be a cry for help and he wanted your advice on what to do, did he ask you anything that would lead you to believe that he is crying out for help? You know him better than anyone and you know his mannerisms and what he does when he is at his emotional limits.

 

He left you because he knew you didn't or wouldn't agree with his lifestyle and the nurse that he met online would go to the swingers parties with him and participate along with him so he found that he had more in common sexually with her than you but that isn't necessarily a good thing because that kind of things gets old fast and is very dangerous. If you care about him and his well being then as his best friend you should suggest him going to his own counseling to help him with this addiction he has to before it gets too out of control and someone at the swinger parties give him AIDS or a more serious sexually transmitted diseases.

 

Tell him you are worried about where he life has ended up and that you never imagined him getting so out of control as to where he doesn't value his life more than he has this past year, you may give him food for thought and that may be the little push he needs to get his life back on track and making it more meaningful than the sex fests he has been having with the other woman. You take a chance when you sleep with someone you do not know and that is what most of the swingers do they sleep with random people and switch couples that is sort of like playing Russian roulette with your life and body.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
He buffers his attempts to contact me back asking about our dog that he loved dearly. Today he text asking about our dog, and then went ont to ask about finalizing our divorce. He is a deputy sheriff and if it comes out in divorce court what he has been doing, he will lose his career, which has always been VERY important to him. From the minute I found out I could have cost him his job, but I haven't. I don't think he cares whether we are actually divorced or not. It is a financial thing for him. He has to pay the mortgage and his funds are getting slimmer and slimmer -- swingers clubs aren't cheap -- and he wants to rent the house out. But there is no point in telling him I am concerned. He denies it's happening, and to him, an admission is something he thinks could be used in court. I just wanted expert advise on the progression of this addiction, as in when an alcoholic starts getting DUIs, they are more likely to get sober.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

Gzeess,

 

I think you will better benefit talking to a health expert that deals with this kind of thing instead of a relationship expert, one moment while I transfer you there.

Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.

Hi Gzeess,

 

Another relationship expert, Chase, asked me to answer your question. I am a clinical psychologist and have some experience working with individuals with sex addiction. Unfortunately, I will not be able to convey any positive news about this situation. Based on what I read above, it sounds like he has found an environment that will support his destructive behavior. His nurse friend and the swingers clubs are enabling his behavior. That is, they normalize his behavior. He may never hit rock bottom as long as he is involved with a group of people who will support and validate his sexual urges. Sexual addiction is never about sex...never. Just like alcohol addiction is never about alcohol...I'm sure you know what I mean. People with sex addiction struggle with true intimacy and are often troubled by a significant history of abuse. 10 times out 10 they have previous experience with porn and largely live in an objectified fantasy world. He no longer values sex for intimacy...in fact, he may have never learned to do so. If he has any hope of breaking this maladaptive cycle, he will need to distance himself from the people who support his addiction. He will have to go to therapy and get the support of a skilled sex therapist. In working with clients like him, I have found a particular workbook to be especially useful. It is called "The sex addiction workbook" This book is excellent and may help him to understand his problem and change. However, it is not likely that he will complete the workbook without the support of a therapist who understands his problem. As for prognosis, it is looking very poor. At this rate, I would suspect that he will either end up in jail for committing a sexual crime or dead from HIV/AIDS. I'm very sorry that he has chosen this kind of lifestyle for himself. You need to remember though...that HE and NOT YOU has chosen this type of lifestyle for himself. Ultimately, he is choosing to cave into the whim of an urge, as opposed to fighting for his wife. I would suggest that you make the recommendation of therapy to him and then cut off your relationship with him completely. You need to divorce him. Have him served with papers and see how he reacts. By the way, as long as you stay married to him, you are validating his behavior further. The only way his behavior will bottom out is for you and everything that matters to disappear. I know this will be hard. Use the support of your therapist to help you make these difficult decisions.

 

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JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience: I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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