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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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i am thinking about a divorce with my husband. We dontt live

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i am thinking about a divorce with my husband. We dont't live together for already a year during this year we were both trying to make our relationship work, but it never did for longer than a week. So after a couple of days he would want to live back in his own appartment and strat telling me that it is too hard for him to live in the same appartment all the time. We agreed actually after he comes back to try again, but i am not sure i want again to try
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.

Hi natka,

 

I am a psychologist and would be happy to assist you with your question. First, it would help me if you answered these questions:

 

What are your ages?

 

How long have you been married?

 

How long were you together before that?

 

Do you have any children?

 

What have you tried to "make your relationship work?"

 

Are you willing to go to therapy?

 

Thanks!

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
HI,

here are the answers:

What are your ages? 29 years old

 

How long have you been married? 2 years we lived together and 1 year after that separately

 

How long were you together before that? a coupe of months, we studied together on one college

 

Do you have any children? none

 

What have you tried to "make your relationship work?" i was keeping in touch with him, first gently learning his attitude to it, calling him and offering to go play tennis or g o to the movies, he never called or offered himself, i was trying to discuss with him what are the reasons why we splitted and how can we handle them together, at the beginning he was willing to try to live together again and see whether we can be happy together, but in a couple of days he would just not call at all and not appear at the place we lived together, if i would call him, he tells me he can not live together for whatever reason, either temporarily or permanently. In a while it all starts again, either initiated by me or by him. He is 4 years younger than me. He plays comp games a lot and i think he is more comfortable in his game world than in real one

 

Are you willing to go to therapy? not yet

Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.

Hi Natka,

 

I am going to be completely honest with you here, so please do not take offense to what I am going to say. It sounds like you married a boy...not a man. His behavior, his avoidance, and his attitude sounds like that of an adolescent. It is not healthy to continuously run from problems in a relationship. He is avoiding something...that is for sure. I would not be surprised if he were also having an affair. It also sounds like you got married to him before you really knew anything about him. Honestly, it takes about 2 to 3 years before you really start to know someone well. People can keep up an act for about a year or so. He is not what you thought he would be, right? I never want to see marriages end, but it sounds like this marriage never really started on a positive note. Given what you have told me about him, I doubt that he will be willing to confront his behavior in couples therapy. In fact, If I were you, I would only agree to give the relationship another try if he were willing to enter into therapy with you. In therapy, he would be forced to talk about his feelings regarding the relationship. Right now, he is acting like a scared little boy running from his mommy, which he has unconsciously made you to be. Is this the type of man you dreamed of marrying when you were a young girl? You are right, he is living in a fantasy land...running from adulthood and responsibility. If he is not willing to grow up and enter into therapy with you, I would suggest getting out before children get involved. Is he the kind of man you would want to father your child? If I believed he had true good will towards you, I would be more kind...but it sounds like he is simply a boy, running from being a man. After all, growing up can be scary. Forgive my brutal honesty, but I think you need to hear it while you still have a chance. You are a young woman yet, don't sell yourself short by trying to raise a boy who should be your MAN!

 

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