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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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I want to win the heart of someone I like very much

Resolved Question:

I am 60 and the lady of my choice is 49 and I met her three months ago. We have gone on three"dates" and she has agreed to a fourth. She claims that she feels no spark from me. But she very much likes our conversations. Is she afraid of a committed relationship or she does she really mean that she wants me only as a friend.
Can I win her heart - or this an ompossible situation?
Please help me.
thanks
G.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer

 

I am a psychologist and would be happy to help you with this question. First, it would help me if you could answer these questions first.

 

Have either of you been married before?

 

If so, when did the marriage end?

 

What do you want out of this relationship long-term?

 

How did the conversation come up between you when she said that she felt "no spark" from you?

 

Any additional information would be helpful.

 

Thanks!

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Okay - to answer your questions

One - I have never been married. She has been married twice.

Two - Her first marriage ended about 22 years ago and the second one ended about 10 to 12 years ago. She had at least one other long term relationship that ended about 3 to 5 years ago - long distance - he lived about 250 miles away.

Three - I very very much like this woman - and if she were receptive to me - I could probably totally fall completely in love with her. She is absolutely beautiful, very bright and actually quite sensitive and spiritaully oriented as I am. She has one hell of a lot going for her.

Four - The topic of her not feeling a spark from me - was when I aske her if she wanted to spend some real time with me. This was on our third and last "date." She was saying how she needed to take care of her daughter and other things. And the "no spark- no romantic proclivities " comment came up.

Other pertinencies - She says that she is in some other relationship with a guy - another rather long distance thing - in NY - she lives in PA - as I do. But she added that she feels no romantic attachment with this guy either. Another thing. She feels that she may have been molested when she was small. She thinks that there is a good possibility of this. She is actually a therapist herself and that the people she helps represents herself - but that they have them just to a greater degree - that she at one time suffered from depression and other not-so-nice maladies.

I consider myself very well adjusted in many areas of my life and that I am very rational in most things. I have an excellent view of myself and who I am.

I simply think that there is GREAT potential in this as I am really impressed with so many things about her. But if we can not get the ball rolling with a simple kiss - something that we have shared - then how can she start to see the person that I really am. And all the things that I want to offer her and give her. I do not think she REALLY knows how beautiful she really is - both on the outside and the indside.

Thank you so much for helping me with this . Bless you.

Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer

 

Thank you for the thorough response. This will help me to give you some better direction. There are a couple of things that concern me right away. First, she has been in several long-term relationships that have failed. This may mean that she has trouble forming a trusting relationship with men. She may be hesitant to admit to feelings for you, as this may be very scary for her. She may feel more comfortable talking with you as a friend, filling that void, without the possibility of being hurt by you. She may be a very tough nut to crack. Second, her disclosure about past sexual abuse is potentially problematic. It is strange that a woman of her age would be bringing this up now. She may be struggling with this issue. Sexual abuse blurs the boundaries of love, sex, and intimacy. It is possible that her other marriages failed because of her struggle to connect in a healthy way. Many hurt people go into therapy as a profession in an attempt to fix what went wrong in their own life by helping others. Unfortunately, this does not work and only leads to more emotional confusion. As a psychologist, I have seen a number of clients similar to the lady in question. I have no doubt that she seems like a wonderful delight to you...BUT I have to suggest that you approach with serious...and I mean serious caution. You probably see yourself as competent and capable of handling her problems...but let me assure you that rational logic will not help you in understanding this woman's behavior. She most likely has very serious issues with trusting men that stem back to early childhood. You might want to find out more about her past failed relationships. They may give you a clue into why she behaves the way she does with you. She, like any woman, desperately wants to be loved and cherished...but she does not know how to find it or what she should be looking for. DO NOT think that you are the savior who can help her find her way. Ask yourself this: Am I intrigued by the idea of rescuing this woman? How does she make me feel when I am with her? Although this is not her fault, she may be drawing you in with her charm. She may seem very charming but she is not likely ready for true intimacy. She may not even be aware of the fact that she is coming off as flirtatious with you. Her behavior is likely an unconscious reaction, hoping to get the attention and affection of a man. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is that you can pursue this friendship, but realize that you may be in for a very rocky road. She may change her feelings about you several times. DO NOT let her physical beauty blind you from the potential problems you may encounter with her. I'm sure she is a lovely lady, but it does not change the past. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. She has to want this for herself...you cannot make her want you. Try being her friend if you enjoy spending time with her. Just don't expect anything in return from her. You might want to spend more time with her before you make any decisions or discuss having a relationship with her. Take it slow and let her dictate the pace of the relationship. Just remember that she will likely shift between trust and mistrust with you. You will not have an easy go at it. If you have nothing to lose, I suggest you take it slowly and see what happens.

 

If you found this helpful, please click ACCEPT so that I get paid for my work. Bonuses are greatly appreciated if you found my answer worthy. I would be happy to help you with future questions. Please request me by typing "for JR" in the subject line. Good luck!

JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience: I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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