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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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Im 34, my husband too. I have been on the pill for 15 years

Resolved Question:

I'm 34, my husband too. I have been on the pill for 15 years now. I have never wanted children before because I knew I wasn't ready plus I was in the wrong relationships. Now I'm in a loving relationship and my mind set has chnaged in the last year. My husband on the other hand doesn't want any more kids. He is divorced and has a 8 year old daughter who stays with her mother. Their divorce was quite ugly, with him loosing the battle for sole custody of the child even though the mother had affairs, landed up in a mental institution etc. We see the child every second weekend. He says he doesn't want any more children becuase he is scared of what happened in the past might happen again. I would love to have a child of my own with him. I see how he is with his daughter and my nephew and he would make a good father. How do I approach this situation?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 8 years ago.

Dear Liza,

 

It sounds like you have already discussed it with him.

 

When you discussed it with him, what did you say to help alleviate his fears?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
No, I haven't discussed my new mind set with him because I know how he feels. How do I go about discussing the issue with him.
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.

Hi Liza,

 

I am a psychologist and would be happy to help you with your question. It sounds as though your husband has serious issues with trust related to his first marriage. It makes sense that he would be apprehensive about having another child. He has experienced great loss and is probably afraid of losing again. Nevertheless, you have a right to change your mind. It is natural for a woman your age to start thinking about having a family, even if it never crossed your mind in the past. You seem to feel secure in your marriage and feel that he would be a good provider and protector of your family. This is probably why you finally feel ready to have a child. However, making a baby takes two people as you know. You probably discussed this with your husband before marriage. Having a child is no small matter and should be carefully considered. Your husband may become angry because he may have decided to marry you because he did not think that you wanted to have children. He may feel betrayed in some way. You need to approach this situation very carefully. I suggest that you sit down and have a serious conversation with your hubby about your feelings. Tell him that you do not want to make any decisions right now but just want him to know what is going on inside of you. Reassure him of your love and commitment to this marriage. Point out how different you are from his ex-wife. Tell him that you do not want to forget about his first daughter...just that you want to experience having a family with him. Tell him how much you respect him and how great of a man you think he is. Make sure to use the word "respect"...men respond better to this than "love." It seems counterintuitive to a woman, but give it a shot. Let him know how much he means to you. If you let him know why you want to have a family with him, he may have a better reaction. Tell him that you just would like him to think about it. After that, let it go for a while. Treat him better than you have ever treated him. Show him how much you love and respect him. Sleep with him frequently and tell him how great he is often. He will feel more secure in your relationship. This is a pathway to starting a family. Nothing is guaranteed but you certainly have a better shot with this approach.

 

If you found this answer helpful, please click ACCEPT so that I get paid for my work. Bonuses are greatly appreciated if you found my answer worthy. If you have future questions, please feel free to request me on my profile. Good luck!

JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience: I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
JR, M.A. and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
We were watching a programme on television last night regarding adopting and I just threw the question out there at him, would he be open to adopting if we knew I couldn't have children. He said if we were together 10 years ago, then he would have thought about it but definately not now. He says he is too old. I have asked him before what would he do If I happened to fall pregnant, even though I'm on the pill (because face it it can happen, nothing is 100% safe) - he then said if it happens it happens and we'll take it from there. If he is still not convinced after I speak to him, how do we compromise the situation? If he doesn't want another child, but I do one?
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.

Hi Liza,

 

Try what I told you above first. If this does not work, you may have to work on accepting the fact that your husband is no longer interested in having children. As I mentioned before, I'm sure you brought up the issue of children prior to marriage at least once. You must of had some idea that he would not be excited about having another child. Ask yourself this: Why would I still choose to marry this man when I knew he wasn't really what I was looking for? Why did I ignore this obvious problem? Perhaps you ignored this reality because it was easier to think of his positive qualities, while believing you could change the fact that he does not want children. Unfortunately, and contrary to popular belief, compromise is not always possible in a marriage. Marriage is about sacrifice for one's partner...it is NOT about satisfying one's own needs, although this often occurs when you are in a happy marriage. You will have to defer to your husband on this issue for now. Have the conversation with him, just as I described above. If this does not work, you need to work on accepting the fact that he doesn't want children. I would suggest that you go to see a therapist to work through the issue. Look up a clinical psychologist in your phone book and set up an appointment. This will help you to work through the issue if he does not change his mind.

 

If you found my answers helpful, please click ACCEPT so that I get paid for my work. Bonuses are greatly appreciated if you found my answers worthy. Good luck. I would be happy to follow up with you in the future.

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