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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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I dated this guy recently. He used to date this girl 10 ...

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I dated this guy recently. He used to date this girl 10 years ago..for 5 years. they had a long distance relationship the entire time. He said that they broke up because the girl wanted to move to where he was and he decided that it wont work out because he was busy with school and work. At times the conversation about our exes came up, and everytime he talked about this particular ex of his, he looked like he's hurting. I can tell that it was a hard break up. I understand that 5 years is not a short time. I guess he never fall for anybody like that again until he met me not to mention that that was his first love. He told me that he hadnt feel the way he felt for me for a long time. I'm wondering if he still has feelings for his ex? or is it the memory of the pain that make him hurt inside? When I ask why didnt they get back together, he said that people change and people move on. it's not going to be the same. he said its water under the bridge...please help
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

A break up is never easy for anyone......more so when you really cared about that person. The fact that he accepts it for what it is and acknowledges that he and she has changed shows a great deal of maturity. Yes he may still have some old unresolved issues, wither that is feelings or not is another matter. Maybe she was hurtful when they broke up and it bothers him that he hurt her? That is very common....to this day I still feel bad about girls I have broken up with.

The fact is he loves you......and what he had with his ex is in the past. Should she pop up and they start hanging out then you have something to worry about Laughing

The fact is the past needs to stay in the past......instead of rehashing what might have been with him move on and past this. The more you bring it to the surface the more time he has to dwell on it. Since he was the one to end things.......and still has no desire to move back with her there is no cause to believe he still has feelings for her.

We all wonder about ex's and if our current partner still remembers or misses the ex....that is natural. But do not allow a look on his face to cause a rift between you to.

Walter

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I I figured you would try to get back with someone if you believe she is right for you..but he didnt. I find that a little odd. Hmm..
I dont want to ask him anymore coz it would get both of us thinking. he said that he regretted the WAY he makes the decision (that he thinks it wouldnt work Long distance ..coz they've always been long distance.) but he DIDNT regret the decision itself (the break up) I dont really understand this...
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

Basically what he is telling you is, he regrets the things that he did. (He may have hurt her feelings and is regretting the choice of how he handled it) But that he is still glad that he did it. This is a mans simple way of saying he feels bad that he hurt the girl, but in the end he had to do it.

Men do not like to hurt women, that is why most come up with silly excuse or break up over the phone or in a letter. While we know it is wrong....it is also hard to deal with a heart broken women. As for your comment "I figured you would try to get back with someone is you believe she is right for you" This is not correct......men do not look at love the same way a women does. While he may felt she was the one, there was a reason why he felt they could not work though it.

Keep in mind as well that while he may be honest with you, he may be keeping certain things back. He may have cheated on her, or she may have cheated on him or maybe there was some aspect of the relationship he was unhappy with. She could have treated him disrespectfully XXXXX XXXXX does not wish to tell you about it. Men will be honest for the most part......unless they think that the truth could interfere with a new relationship. If he did cheat on her, he may simply not be willing to take the chance that you will see him with less respect.

In the end the reasons why do not matter.........he has said that he does not regret his choices and that he loves you. The more you ponder on how he felt years ago the less you can concentrate on your present relationships. The past is the past......let it stay there.

Walter

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you...

I just dont want him to be with me coz he's trying to replace her. He dated one other girl after that relationship and that didnt work out too well.
I guess it just annoyed me ( it might sound selfish) that he actually thought of marrying this first ex of his.

Maybe there's something that he's hiding from me, you're right. From what he told me, the reason why they broke up was because she wanted to move to where he was, and that he didnt think it was going to work because he was busy. I really dont understand this. I mean, if he loved her and nothing was wrong, why didnt he let her move?? He was thinking of marrying the girl..but he didnt cuz he wasnt ready..I just find the whole thing a little confusing.



Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

 

It is natural to feel a little jealous that he felt so strongly for someone before you........but you have to accept that this is just part of relationships. Unless of course you get with someone who has never had a relationship before.

 

In the end it sounds like he did care for her, but something about the relationship told him it was not going to work. Likely he knew he would be busy and she would come to resent him and it would end badly....maybe after marriage and children. It sounds like you have a pretty mature man on your hands that knows what he wants but also accepts reality.

 

The past is the past............and until you let it go this is going to be your problem not his. I know this is not what you want to hear, but the reality of it is what happened in the past has nothing to do with your relationship. If you allow this jealousy to take over and feel annoyed with him then in the end you will end up resenting him. Ending it may help........but if you do not learn to accept that people have pasts then no relationship is going to work. Most men have been in love before..........but if you hold that against them then having a relationship is not going to work. You have to let this go..........the easiest way of doing so is to stop thinking about it. When it pops into your head think of something else, the reality is the longer you dwell on it the more it is going to bother you.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you..

I guess I need to mature up a little. I'm too focused on the technicality of it and couldnt bring myself to understand the reasoning behind the break up.
I just dont understand why they had to break up only coz he was not ready to marry...
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you..

I guess I need to mature up a little. I'm too focused on the technicality of it and couldnt bring myself to understand the reasoning behind the break up.
I just dont understand why they had to break up only coz he was not ready to marry...????

I'll accept your answer after this since I have to add funds to the account and I could not remember by credit card..

Thanks so much for your help. I really appreciate it.
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

 

Maybe she put the stress on him to marry and he was not ready. The most likely cause is he knew she wanted to get married and if she moved where he was she may push him more and if he was not ready he may have figured breaking it off was far easier then being pushed into a marriage he was not ready for. Keep in mind........if he was not ready to marry her then he may not have been completely in love with her. Sounds like he knew something was not right.........and make the best choice for him.

 

Have you ever heard that old song......"Thank God for unanswered Prayers"? I think it pertains to your situation very much. While he may have felt he was in love with her at the time..........had he not broke it off he would not now have you. Sounds like he is a lucky fellow that you care so much about him. Sometimes it better to just put things in the past and look forward to the future.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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