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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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why is my daughter in law so rude and unkind to me. From ...

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why is my daughter in law so rude and unkind to me. From the beginning I have been generous,helpful and kind. From the beginning she would not let me have a role in her 2 young daughters life(she had been married before), even though I bought bunk beds so I could baby sit for them. She never dresses my grandson in any of the pukka clothes I bring back from holiday for him and my son now wears dreadfully common tacky stuff he would never have worn before. I would never mention this too her but it hurts so much. I get on with her mother, whom I used to work with and she says hers daughter is very difficult and her ex mother in law says they stopped going to their son''s house becaus e she never made them feel welcome. Her two daughters are surly and rude like her and that is her fault. I have a super relationship with my son and now I see my grandson as she needs me as she has gone back to work. She is9 years older than my son who is a lovely guy.The family all loath her its so sad. A
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Relist: Other
I think what the lady says is correct, but could i explore another reason
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Hello Anne

How old are her daughters?

How old is she and your son?

Have you talked to your son about the issue?

If so, what was his response?

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
her daughters are now 13 and 16, but were only smal when they met,,
My son s 31 she is 40 but they have beentogether 9 yars. She has pushed me out fro the beginning and I can do no right. My son makes excuses for her, yet everyone can see she is mnipulative. Everything I like she takes the other side. Its so so sad yet I have been very kind to her. Her girls are rude and surley like her had she seems to turn them against me. I can genuinly I hvedone nothing. I am a cheerful and friendly person. She puts mmy grandson and son in awful clothes that look common, yet if i buy tasteful classic clothes she gets rid of them and they never wearthem. We as a family know her moves as she is so predictable,. My son and I get on so well and I get on with her mother who says she is diffucult, her ex mother in law stopped popping in as she made her so unwelcome. Im devaested.

What ever I do it is wrong and i hate the wy she has poisened her girls against me. I have another daughter in law who is kind and loverly and she and my younger son and his father also hate the way she treats us all, including the way she dominates my son who is much younger than her,.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Hello Anne,

I read everything that Kim told you and I agree with her 100%. I do have a few things to add. I know that you may have tried talking to her, and this has gone on for a long time. The fact is, this is the woman your son chose to be his wife....perhaps he was not as mature as her, perhaps you feel it was a mistake, but what matters in the end is if he chooses to stay with her. If he does decide to ever leave her, imagine how it will be to be able to see your grandson then? I would suggest not trying so hard anymore. Continue to be polite, but do not go out of your way anymore for her or her daughters. Don't buy your grandson any more clothes. Although you may not like how he's dressed, its her perogative to dress him as she sees fit. Instead, put your money to better use by opening up an account for him, something that will gather interest and that is in his name, so that when he gets older, her will have something from you. If he spends the night or weekend at your house, have a few changes of clothes there that he can choose from. As he gets older, you can actually take him shopping for what he wants (and even then you have to put aside your 'grandma' instinct to tell him you don't like something he chooses, because it will be his choice). You raised your son, so the best thing to do is to allow her to raise her son as she sees fit, and go along with the program as much as you can stomach and when you can't stomach it, walk away.

You know that your son loves you. You know your grandson loves you. Thats all that really matters. Stop trying to take her into consideration so much, and give things a chance to quiet down. After a while there's only one of two things that will happen, either she will remain the same person that she always has been (according to her mom and ex in laws) or she will warm up to you, which isn't likely. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior...this didn't' start with you, obviously she has been this way for a long time. It's up to you to take the high road and overlook her issues, and basically step back out of their life a little. Enjoy the time you get with your grandson, be polite to her but that's it. In time your son will either decide to put up with it or decide to end it, but ultimately it's his choice.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Warmly

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I THINK BOTH OF YOU ARE RIGHT ,BUT WHAT MAKES A PERSON BEHAVE SO NASTILY AND DID I FAIL AS A MOTHER THAT HE GOT INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE SO TOXIC. hE REALLY IS A VERY NICE,KIND YOUNG MAN, WHO AS A TEENAGER NEVER GAVE ME ANY PROBLEMS. i JOKED WITH FRIENDS THAT I WAITED DRING THE TEENAGE YEARS FOR REBELION ...AND NO ONE DID!!!. tHEY WORKED HARD, QUALIFIED,ACHIVED AT THEIR HOBBIES TO COUNTY LEVEL EQIVALENT AND HAD SUPER FRIENDS ...99 PERCNT OF TIME THERE WAS NOT A PROBLM. mY YOUNGER SON HAS A SUPER WIFE WHO i MAKE MOTHER IN LAW JOKES WITH AND SHE IS SO KIND TO ME. iT BREAKES MY HEART THAT THESE GIRLS WHO WERE ONLY 4 AND 7 AT THE TIME THINK IM THE BIG BAD WHITCH AND I HAVE DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. iT ALL GOES ON WITH THEM WHEN MY SON CANT SEE. i FEEL SO MALIGNED FOR NO REASON. i DO FEEL SHE PICKED A MUCH YOUNGER MAN SO SHE COULD MOULD HIMHER WAY AND HE HAS LOST SOME OF THE BEST YEARS OF HIS LIFE WITH A CONTROLLING MANIPULATIVE WOMEN,sHE WILL GET MORE INSECURE AS SHE GETS OLDER AND HIS TREATMEMNT WILL GET WORSE. tHANK YOU ANYWAY, ITS JUST SO SAD
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
I used to wonder a lot about the things that people did, not just to me but even in general around me. I would do things for people and there would be no thanks, XXXXX XXXXX not even an acknowledgment about it. One day I complained to my mother about it, and she said "Stop expecting people to act like you, because they are NOT you." At the time it seemed simplistic, but over time I was able to see the knowledge in what she said, and I knew that I had to stop expecting people (ESPECIALLY people I cared about) to do things the way I would do them or the way I would want them to do them. I've been able to overcome my disappointment in others by knowing that they are just different than me, and try not to think of either of us as being better than the other, and trying to recognize that everyone sees things through a different pair of eyes.

People are not born bad, people are made that way through the things they go through in life. I know you said you talked to her mother, and her former in-laws, but they are not her, so they really have no idea what she has been through to make her this way. I'm not saying that she shouldn't try to change and be different but only that it may not be possible for her to see a way to change, even if she wanted to. Her daughters are in her corner now, but eventually they will grow up and see things as they are, and may rebel against her ways.

As for your son, we don't always choose the people we fall in love with. There may be many things about her that you don't see, but that your son does see. Obviously there is something in her that he loves and desires, the toxic part is something only he knows why he deals with it. As mothers we tend to blame ourselves for anything that goes wrong in our children's lives, but the truth is, you gave the best you could to your children, and now you have to let them go to live their lives, even if it's not something you would have necessarily wanted for them. In time, he may wake up, and decide that he has had enough, or it's possible he could remain with her for the rest of his life, but ultimately, it's his choice, and as his mother you have to honor that choice.

If need be, you can do as I mentioned before, step back a little and let time try to heal the wounds, and possibly build a better relationship over time. I'm always here if you need to vent or talk more

Warmly

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
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Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues