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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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MY HUSBAND JUST REFUSES SEX, GIVES EXCUSES HE LOVES ME, BUT ...

Customer Question

MY HUSBAND JUST REFUSES SEX,AT IST WE WERE GREAT TOGETHER, I NOTICE HIS NEED OF DIRTY MOVIES OR TOYS, BUT THEY SLACKED OFF.HE GIVES EXCUSES, BUT HE SAYS HE LOVES ME, BUT HE'S TIRED OR HE CAN''TTEN HE EVEN BUYS THE MEDICINES, and still no help he says.I HAD HIM TESTED, I SEEN THE RESULTS TESTOSTERONE GREAT, HORMAONE GREAT, NO DEPRESION. HELP ANYONE WHO IS INDEED QUALIFYED TO HELP ME I AM THINKING DIVORCE BUT I LOVE HIM,I FEEL IN MY HEART HEW HAS CLAERLY CHOSE MASTERBATION HIS COMPLETE CHOICE OF SEXUAL GRTIFICAATION OVER ME. HE ADMITTED HE HAS DONE IT MASTERBATION,N ALOT BUT SWEARS HE STOPPED 10 MONTHES AGO AFTER THE LAST COUSLEOR VISIT, ANY MEN , "DOCTRS OUT THERE IS IT REALLY POSSIBLE FOR A SEXUALLY ACTIVE MASTERBATING MAN TO GO 10 MONTHES WITHOUT DOING IT THE MASTERBATION WHEN THEY ARE NOT HAVING SEX AT ALL???

I NEED THIS INFORMATION PLEASE HELP.HONEST INFORMATION PLEAE DON;T LEAVE ANYTHING OUT. BUT I AM SO SO SAD ALL THE TIME, LAST NIGHT HE TOLD ME TO QUIT HARRASSING HIM, THE PREVIOUS NIGHT HE SAID QUITE WHINING YOU HAVE A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD, THEN HE SEN ME UPSET AND CONSOLES ME And SAY I LOVE YOU I AM SORRY SO SORRY AND BRINGS ME A ROSE. WHAT IS GOING ON? I KNOW HE MASTERBATES I CAN'T CATCH HIM,HOW DO I CATCH HIM IF I DO I THINK THIS WILL COME TO A HAlt he is clealry lieing to me, i need to proove it to get my marriage in order. HE ADMITTTED THIS TO THE COUNSELOR10 monthes ago no detail infront of me., THE COUNSELOR SEEN HIM BY HIMSELF ON THE LAST VISIT,BECASUE HE ASKED HIM TO COME BY HIMSELF, I BELIEVE I HAVE BEEN LIED TO HE SAID THE COUNSLER SAID HE WAS A BABY. WE HAVEN'T BEEN BACK, WE HAVE BEEN NUMEROUS TIMES BEFORE., ONE TIME ON ANOTHER COUNSELR HE ACTUALLY WENT THEN RAN OUT AND WHEN THE HOUR WAS UP CAME BACK IN AND HE KNEW THE TIME WAS UP, WHAT IS THIS MAN AFRAID OF?
BOTXXXXX XXXXXNE I NEED TO KNOW HOW FDO I CATCH HIM MASTERBATING TO PROVE HE IS LIEING TO ME WHAT ARE THE SIGNS, AND WHY DOES HE CHOSE THIS OVER A VERY ATRRRACTIVE WOMEN NOT FAT AND I'M 4 YREEARS YOUNGER THAN HIM. PLEASE HELP
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Hello Tobie,

Catching him is not the answer. You can't be with him 24 hours a day, some men masturbate in the shower, or in the bathroom, you just cannot possibly follow him everywhere he goes. this isn't about the masturbation, but about the communication. The thing with therapy or counseling is that you have to keep going. Going 10 months without sex is not a good sign, but if he is not willing to talk to you about it, and try to work things out, it won't matter because it will just continue as its going. For him to say you have a roof over your head is very disrespectful because that's not the issue. The best thing to do is to try the counseling again, if the one counselor is not working out, then try another. If he's not willing to work with the counselor, then he's not willing to work on the marriage and you're going to have to make some decisions about what you can and can't live with or deal with. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hello thanks but actually we have been to the 4 counselors, remember when i mentioned the last counselor well he really got us closer,but not physycally but almost, but on the last viist he wanted to see my husband alone and of course asked if it was ok with me, well what is your opinion about my husband coming home saying the counselor said he was a man acting like a baby and alot do do it. and also since my husband refuses to try anything unless it is pills, or sexually connnected over the counter things legal non obsence what does this mean, and most to no avaIL HAVE NOT WORKED, DO YOU THINK HE MASTERBATEDS SO MUCH THEIR JUST ISN'T ENOUGH TIME LEFT FOR ME/ HE IS A VERY GOD PERSON HE WILL DO ANYTHING FOR ME BUT SEX, WHY? AND IT ISN'T THE SEX THING INTERLEY HE WON'T TOUCH ME SEXUALLY IN ANYWAY A KISS OR HUG OR BACK RUB, I FEEL LIKE I AM THE OTHER WOMEN And i know he isn;'t seeing anyong in real life could he be in his mind in love with someone esle i feel this strgliy, i just can't in my mind see how anymna can refuse sex no matter how bad the fighhing gets or if i even threathen to leaVE HE REFUSES WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIMN AND HE SAYS HE LOVES ME WITH ALL HIS HEART. PLEASE EXPLANIN FURTHER WITH KIND REGARDS
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Hi Tobie,

Sometimes if we push really hard, instead of giving in, the other person decides to push back. Perhaps this is the case. When he says you are 'whining' or 'harassing' him, that tells me that he feels you focus too much on it. Some people cannot go from zero to sex, they need to feel that closeness and partnership before they can get into the sexual aspect of it. Perhaps a good idea might be to back off about the subject for a little while, and focus more on just being comfortable and friendly with him. It could be that the pressure to have sex is making him unable to do it. Focus more on letting him know how much you love him, doing little special things for him, and giving him little compliments here and there. Some compliments could include telling him he looks good, that he smells good, anything that you love about him (smile, eyes, hair, etc), telling him he did something well, thanking him for something, sitting close to him, laying you head in his lap, making a favorite meal, and just spending time together. Let him know that you never meant to harass him, but that you were feeling unloved. You can let him know that you're going to lighten up on it and see if things can happen naturally and see where it goes from there. Some people cannot have sex under stress. but alleviating some of the stress might help.

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
HELLO I HAVE DONE ALL THAT I GUESS MY LAST REPLY SEMED LIKE I DIDN'T BUT I COOK I BUY HIM HIS FAVORITE FOODS, CLOTHES, A POOL IN OUR BACK YARD, I INCLUDE HIM IN ON RIDES TO THE PARK ON MY SCOOTER, I AM SO ALONE YOU SEE, HE IS ALL I HAVE I LOST MY BEST FREIND MY IDENTICAL TWINSITER AND THEN MY OTHER BEST FRIEND 2 YEARS AGO , THAT IS 2 LOSSES IN 14 YREARS AND HE IS THE CLOSET PERSON I THOUGHT I HAD LEFT HE HAS NO ONE TO BE JEALOUS OF, I FEL COMPLETELY HE IS LIEING TO ME, WHAT MAN IN THE WORLD WOULD TELL HIS WIFE HE LOVES HER AND HE THANKS ME FOR DINNER AND SO ON WE EAT DINNER OUT, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO BEING WITH ME IT IS COMPLETELY OFF LIMITS I AM AT MY WITS END, WHEN I TELL YOU HOW MANY YEARS IT HAS BEEN AND HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE HAD SEX WITH HIM IT WILL BE HARD TO BELIEVE WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER SEXUAllY THAT IS ONLY INTERCOURSE EVERYTHING ESEL TO HIM IS OFFLIMITE ALSO AROUND 12 TIMES IN 7 YEARS, AND ONE TIME IN 12 MONTHES, AND A COUPLE FLOPS, WHY DOESN'T HE TOUCH ME ANYWHERE ESLE?? I AM NOT UGLY I GET COOMPIMENTS AND ASKED OUT ALOT, I DON'T PUSH BECAUSE WHEN I DO I END UP GETTING HPYSYCALY SICK OVER IT AND THEN WE MAKE UP ONLY HUG AND KISS AND WITH HIS SO CALLED PROMISES TO BE WITH ME, THEN WE MAY HAVE ONE HALF DECENT TIME JUST INTERCOUSRE HW DOESN'T DO ANYTHING ESLE NOWM AND THAT I FEEL IS HIS WAY OF GETTING ME TO NOT SAY A WORD FOR SEVERAL MONTHES, I FEEL HE IS RUINING MY THOUGHTS ABOUT RELATION SHIPS, I FEL HE HAS PUT ME INTO A RULE OF SORTS MADE BY HIM, I FEEL LIKE THIS YOU DON'T TALK SEX, YOU DON'T INITIATE, YOU JUST STAY WAY OFF UNLESS HE GETS CLOSE, BUT UHE WILL GET CLOSE AND LOVE UP TO ME AND ALL OF A SUDDEN STOP AND JUST START WATCING TV, LIKE IT IS A NORMAL THING TO HIM, HE ACTUALY APECTS ME TO COMPLY WITH THIS UNHEARD OF SORT OF TREATMENT TO HIS WIFE, HE IS NOT GOING BY THE BIBLE AT ALL AND HE IS THE ONE THAT SPOKE OF THAT IN COUNSLING THAT HE WOULD. AND THAT HE PROMISED NEVER TO MASTERBATE AGAIN 10 MONTHESZ AGO BECAuse it was ruining OUR SEX LIFE AND NOW OUR MARRIAGE, HE TAKES ME FOR GRANTED, WHEN I DO THINGS FOR HIM HE THANKS ME BUT IF I DON;'T I GET BAD LOOKS AND THEN WHEN I TRY TO INITIATE SEX I GET THE BBAD MOUTHING. A GREAT GUY BUT NOT A GREAT LOVER AT AL NO MORE AND I DON'T KNOW WHY? BUT I DO KNOW WHAT MAN WOULD GO MONTHES WITHOUT ANY SEXUAL STIMULATION AT ALL? IS IT TRUE CAN A MAN DO THIS AND JUST STOP LIKING SEX???? AND HE CAN NOT BE MASTERBATING AT ALL? PLEASE SOMEONE CLYIFY SOME MEN THINKING TO ME TO BETTER UNDERSTAND BUT I DON'T HARRASS HIM THIS HAS GOTTEN TO THE POINT TO ME LEAVING TO SEE IF HE WUILL SEE FINALLY THAT I MEAN BUSSINEES THAT I LO E HIM BUT WIL NOT BE TREAted like a cook,and housekeeper and a mere friend not a WIFE.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
You're right, you shouldn't be treated this way, but from what you're telling me this has been going on for a long time. It is possible for a man or a woman to go for lengths of time without sex or masturbation, but it wouldn't be considered normal, there would always be some sort of medical reason whether it has to do with physical or mental issues. You say that you have had him checked out for these things, you have gone to counseling, then it seems that the only thing left to decide is whether or not you can deal with this for the rest of your life, perhaps leaving or threatening to leave might wake something up in him, but what will you do if it doesn't....are you prepared to make good on your threats to leave? It doesn't seem that he's treating you the way a person who says they love you should....not only is he withholding sex, but he's not being very nice to you at times. Perhaps withholding sex is a way for him to maintain power and control over you and/or the relationship. I understand that you feel like you have no friends, perhaps it would be good for you to get out more, and enjoy your life and see how that works. Since I mentioned doing more things for him, and you say you already do that, then maybe it's time to start doing less for him, maybe he won't miss it until it's gone?

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hello I am getting a beter understanding I believe now, maybe he is with holding sex in a way of controling me, maybe I should get out more by myself, becasue like we discussed I have tryed all avenues and he just isn't budging, If he truley loves me do you think if I go about my busiess without saying a word and just go do things with my friends and see how it goes, do you this may openhis eyes and make him really think that U have tryed all I can, there is nothing left to do , but what you said, I don't want to hurt him, I do love him, but he is pushing me away, so much I wish he would realize how much. I am scared I may someday meet someone whom appreciates me as I am, I am a good wife, but for some reason maybe low estem he is withholding sex completly to hurt me? I find that really mean, but like you said withholding sex to keep control of me?? Is that all that posible? It would sem he would worry about lossing me, but as you read all the mean things he says to me when I ask why he no longer wants me, he is grasping at ANYTHING AND WHAT HE IS GRASPING AT IS HURTFUL WORDS, LIKE WHEN HE SAID YOU HAVE A ROF OVER YOUR HEAD, AND HE ALSO SAID I AM NOT HOLDING YOU BACK, AND THERE ARE MORE THINGS HE SAYS TO ME IN MEAN INTENTION ONLY WHEN THE DECUSION OF I INIATED SEX, THIS IS ONLY WHEN HE SAYS MEAN HAFFUL THINGS TO ME. How far should I go by doing things on my own? As long as I am hapy and as long as he lets me I feel, I feel if he says nothing then he doesn't care, also he never says he misses me after he works a 10 or 12 hour day or if he even goes away like when his grandmother passed years back he was gone a while out of state when he returned it was like he wasn't even gone nor missed me, let me know if you think this is my only avenue I believe it is I am unhappy maybe I will feel better doing it let me know with kind regards.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Tobie,

Withholding sex as a form of power is definitely possible, women do it all the time, but men do it as well, especially when they feel they are being pressured or not living up to some type of standard. When a man stops having sex with you its either a power trip, another woman or a physical or mental problem. So your choices are very limited. I would say yes, get out more and do more for yourself. If he were gone tomorrow, what would you do with your life? Never let anyone stop you from achieving your goals or reaching your dreams. If he sees you enjoying yourself and not pressuring him, then he may start to feel a little different....right now that seems to be your only option. I can tell you love him, but at some point you have to do whats best for you, and ask yourself, can I deal with this for another 5 yrs? 10 yrs? I welcome your thoughts if you want to talk more. I know it's hard and a bit scary, but if you ever need to talk you can always ask for me.

Warmly

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
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
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
By making you feel like it's your issue, he's destroying your self esteem, and making you wonder why he doesn't want to be with you. It seems that you both have a problem communicating, if he said I love you, then at that moment it was innapropriate to bring up the communication. It would make him feel like he said something nice, and you returned it with something bad (or what he considers bad). If he has accepted this whole sex issue as something that just annoys him and that you constantly comaplin about then he's always going to feel that way unless something changes. I say go out more, do more for yourself and let me know how it goes.

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
HELLO THAT I WILL STARTING TOMOROW I AM CHANGING THIS ARGUING OVER THE SAME THING IS GETING ME AND MY HUSBAND NO WHERE, I AM GOING TO DO WHAT I ENJOY, AND LIKE YOU SAID JUST FORGET ABOUT THE SEX ISSUE FOR NOW BECAUSE IT ISN'T GOING AWAY FOR AWHILE UNTILL HE WAKES UP AND SEES ME DIFERNTLY AND DOING OTHER THINGS AND NOT INTERESTED, THAT IS ONE OF THE HURTFUL THINGS HE HAS DOWN TO ME HE HAS MADE ME DISINTERESTED IN SEX, LIKE YOU SAID BY HIM PLEASING HIMSELF AND NOT CARING ABOUT ME AND WITH HOLDING SEX IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM HE IS TRYING TO HURT ME AND CONTROL ME AND ALSO MAKE ME NOT LIKE IT IN OTHER WORD NOT WANT TO BE WITH OTHER MEN, I AM IN A BETTER UNDERSTANDING NOW. I WILL KEEP IN TOUCH AND THANK YOU FOR ALL THE HELP REGARDS, MAY
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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Ms Chase
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Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues