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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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started to see this guy 11 months ago. I did not want to ...

Customer Question

started to see this guy 11 months ago. I did not want to get intimate with him for many reasons, one being that it gets me attached to the person. Well, after about the first month, against my better judgement, but he wanted it so bad, we were intimate. For about three months he was very attentive. I hate to talk all sex, but that is what this question is about. During those first say six months, he would say that he could have sex with me four times a day. He made me feel sexy, and it all came very naturally. Present day, 11 months later. He says that in this 11 months he "got old" and maybe wants to "do it" once a week. He was 60, now is 61. He went from four times a day to maybe once a week. Plus, there are all these stipulations on the matter. Like wanting me to be modest (no sexy lingerie which I think is half the fun (and he used to like it or so he said)), does not want me to talk dirty or be suggestive but only spontaneous. That is fine, but can't I flirt a little with him, or try to excite him? He wants me to dress frumpy. Here is how I am being made to feel. I feel he is tired of me. And, HE STARTED IT! I hate that. How can he get old in 11 months that he used to talk four times a day to maybe once a week? It is true, in the beginning, he would wake me up all inght for "another round." Sometimes, I would even get bladder infection from too much. Now, there are all these criteria of what not to do and what to do. Don't flirt and talk about it. Dress frumpy. He is trying to avoid me. I would rather just have him tell me he is sick of me, then make me feel undesirable. He is sick of me isn't he. He made his conquest, and is bored. If he is not going to tell me, please tell me if you think that is what is going on. Come on. Got old in 11 months? I am 46, by the way.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hello Marylee, welcome back to Just Answer.

When you get into your 60's and up, it is possible for your body, libido, drive, etc to change within a short period of time, say a year. His body could have gone through some changes that may have lowered his libido, but if he really wants to make things work, that can be worked through. It's all of the other things that are concerning, him not wanting you to be the way you were when you first met, especially when those are the things that attracted you both in the first place. Why would he want you to be modest? It would seem if his libido is lowered, he would want you to be as sexy as possible to help keep it going.

You have to be true to yourself. You can't follow what another person wants you to do when it comes to how you act, how you dress, etc, because then you are not being true to Marylee, you are simply being what they want you to be. Then you have to ask yourself why he wants you to be this way, is it out of jealousy? Is it to run you away? Is it to see if he can do it, and if you'll comply? Everything has a reason, and you have to try and surmise the reason why he's doing these things and you may find more of an answer. Perhaps he wants to make you less attractive to him, so that he can avoid you better....you have to come straight out and ask him if he wants it to be over between the two of you. It's better to just know, like you said, so that you know what's going on, than to have you jumping through all of these hoops without a good reason. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Well, thanks for answering that about the possibility of him getting old in 11 months. From four times a day to maybe once a week, though? Oh well. Sex is not my driver anyway. It was his. I never wanted it to begin with. When you say, "it can be worked through" what do you mean? And, that is exactly right. It is the not knowing what he is thinking that is so disturbing. One thing I have learned about men, is often they will keep you on a string by throwing little bones, but boy when they are ready to throw you away, you know you are done with. They throw the little bones while they are taking care of themselves figuring out what they want, just in case it is you that they want, or because they have not secured something else.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Lol, well, I'm not saying he 'got old' in 11 months, but that it is possible at his age to have one's libido lessen. Even still if it happened in that amount of time he would want to have a check up to make sure everything is ok. When I say it can be worked through I mean that if he is willing to say, ok, my libido has lessened, this isn't something I want, lets go to the doctor and see if we can find out what the problem is....or lets talk about what we can do to ramp up my libido, whether it's Cialis/Viagra or some type of herbal supplements or natural aids, then you would know that although he's lost his libido, he's still feeling things for you and wants you to be happy and satisfied no matter what.

For someone to lose interest that quickly, you're right and to just throw it down to low libido or getting old, and want to make you old along with them, something isn't right and there's an ulterior motive in there somewhere. The fact is, as we've talked about before, it's impossible to ever know what anyone is thinking....so what we have to look at is how they act and the things that they do because these are the real indicators when it comes to how someone feels.

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Let's just say that we fast forward from last September to this September being when we got together. Do you think he would be claiming low libido, and complaining about my clothing and the way I thought about sex. My gut tells me that if 12 months ago were now, his libido and infatuation with me would be just fine. Do you understand what I mean?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
You're saying it was fine then, why isn't it fine now? It's not uncommon for sex to slow down in a relationship, although I would say a year is a bit quick for that to happen in my opinion. I think there's other things going on here that he's not telling you. Is this the same man we talked about before, that's married?

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I am still in this mess. I am at the point of wanting answers I probably will not get from the source, but maybe you can tell me reasons why? I think I know for obvious reasons, but just want to hear it from someone. Very early in the relationship (first month) (that will say a lot right there), I knew he was married, and had his times that he would LATER designate as "Radar Silence." Very funny, huh? But, this one Friday night about 7:30 p.m. after I had already seen him that day, out of nowhere he texted me, "Do you want to go to Sear's?" I thought, "yah." And, we went to Sear's where he got a compressor. This set a precedence for me. I thought he was a common guy who would run errands such as this on a Friday night. The very next (later known as Radar Silence day) morning, a SATURDAY, he calls me without any prodding on my part (and I think that is one of the parts that bugs me the most, I did not ask for this precedence to be set in my mind!!!!!!!!!) and asks me to go for a walk in the park with his dog. Now, on this one, I actually did not feel well due to my Depression. I told him, I was in a down mood. He said he did not care, and just wanted to be with me no matter what I was like. After three texts of self-serving encouragement from him, and me saying I did not feel well, I met him at the park for awhile. As other things were getting weird pretty quickly, I was noticing that he never did this again, and learned that he was a homebody, and even moreso his wife would think it was strange of him to go out on a Friday night for an errand, or take the dog to the park on a Saturday. My answer is that I was worth it at the time. But, if you have other insight or can explain why he thinks it is OK to have set that precedence (there were a few more reinforcing it), and that I am a (pardon) psycho bitch now for being so neurotic about it, please answer. Thank you.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I am still awaiting an answer. It is OK if it is taking awhile, I just want to make sure it was received.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
Hi Mary,

Nice to hear from you again. Yes, i did get it....thanks for the additional info. Although he did not do much (that I can tell) to set a strict precedence (more like 3 or 4 months of a certain behaviors would be more convincing in my opinion), but I do understand where you are coming from about doing things and changing them. We talked a long time ago about how you should avoid getting emotionally or intimately involved with someone until you know them for a few months, this would avoid a lot of what you are experiencing or have experienced. Also, a man that would cheat on his wife can't be expected to be a man of his word, that's just gospel truth. How can he be straight with you when he can't even be straight with himself?

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Warmly

Chase
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I guess it made far more of an impact on me than the usual person. What also angers me is that prior to the Sear's night we could have avoided all of this if he had just, "gone in and given his wife a hug, and told her he loved her," as I told him to but he said she would think he is crazy, and told him to knock it off. If true, they should go into counselling. He should not prey on young, mentally ill (Depression disabling) girls, to fulfill those neglected wifely duties. I guess I am (pardon) really pissed at him. My health and appearance are deteriorating because of this. As I write, I can feel my heart beating extra hard. It hurts. And, I do not know what to do to let go and move on. Help me. I am going to die.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 5 years ago.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
<p>It's not funny, but "funny" I am seriously thinking of going to a hospital today for a week. They will take away the cell and the computer which can be demons in this situation. I think it is at that point. I have been to hospitals before, and they have not been much help, but just the fact that they will take these tools away from me, and seclude me is something I have not tried in all this. Fourteen months of beating your head against the wall is a little obvious. I am not trying to manipulate, but for the first time, it might be good (even though I am not supposed to be concerned about him), it might do us both good for him to live life entirely without me, and see how he feels. All I know is every single day my heart hurts, and I want to cry. I have no support system besides you. I have no friends or family, and even if I did, I have found no one wants to hear about it. A hospital staff gets paid to deal with it. We'll see what I do.</p>

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