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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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Hi , Im 62 my fiance is 59.She has an ex-lover/friend that ...

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Hi , Im 62 my fiance is 59.She has an ex-lover/friend from about ten years ago that she say''s she would like to see when he''s in town.He''s married, she say''s it''s fine with his wife (??) They would have lunch or dinner and a drink and catch up on what''s happened with each other.I suggested she and i and he meet and have dinner and a drink. She say''s that would probably inhibit his willingness to talk about things and he would feel uneasy if i joined them.She say''s i''m insecure. I expressed that i just don''t think it''s a good thing and that she should give my feelings priority over his. Am i being unreasonable about this ,i would prefer she does''nt go without me.Thank you for helping me try to understand my mate''s feelings.

Hi Customer,

Your concern seems perfectly reasonable. As a psychologist, I have encountered this type of scenario before and it never plays out well. Someone usually ends up with their feelings hurt. Additionally, it can lead to serious trust issues within the relationship. I would never recommend that one of my patients go and see an ex-lover...under any conditions...period. It can become a serious obstacle in the way of building a new relationship. Although your fiance may have only positive intentions, it does not change the fact that her actions will upset you. She is only thinking about herself right now and needs to consider how you might feel about this scenario. I DO NOT think that you are just being insecure. She is dismissing your feelings...never a good sign...especially coming from a woman. You should attempt to have another serious conversation with her about this. Tell her that you are uncomfortable about the situation and would only feel ok about it if you are able to go as well. If you do this and she refuses, you may have more to worry about than just one little date. If she will not honor your feelings about this, what else do you have to look forward to in marriage?? Give her a fair chance to accept your conditions...tell her that it would mean a lot to you. She is thinking about what SHE wants, not about what YOU need. Aside from my professional experience, as a husband, I would be outraged if my wife went to meet an old flame without me. I would consider that to be very disrespectful. In fact, so would my wife. Do me a favor and ask yourself this: WHY DOES SHE NOT WANT ME TO COME? HOW COULD IT BE "BETTER" IF I AM NOT THERE? WHAT EXACTLY DOES SHE WANT TO DISCUSS "ALONE" WITH THIS MAN? I think these are all legitimate questions. You sir, are not a doormat. Don't allow her to dismiss your feelings about this. Yes, it is true, you should be careful when picking your battles. HOWEVER...this is not a trivial matter and warrants your attention. You and YOUR woman need to sit down and have a serious conversation. Stand up for yourself and don't let her mow you down on this issue. It will only set up the rest of your life for this type of behavior on her part. I am not suggesting that she will "cheat" on you, but I am suggesting that her behavior seems suspicious to say the least. Take care and good luck!

 

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Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Reply to JR, M.A.'s Post: JR,Thank you for the help,i will certainly discuss this further with my partner. I'm not really concerned about her cheating,i feel he has no right to waltz in and assume that it's OK to take my fiance out.Thanks again,Customer.

Hi Customer,

I completely agree with you. I think that the likelihood of her cheating is slim...or else she wouldn't have told you about it...HOWEVER...and that is a big HOWEVER...you are justified in feeling put off by this. You need to express the fact that you find this very disrespectful...you say "he does not have the right"...and I happen to agree with that. It is very presumptuous. I would not trust this man as far as I could throw him. Your partner needs to understand the impact this is having on you. Don't let her dismiss your feelings.

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