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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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Can youforgive a child molester

Customer Question

No Comment Added
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

I would be more then happy to talk with you today, can you explain the situation more?

Were you molested by this person or someone you care about?

How are you related to the molester? (Family, friend, or partner)

How does this person make you feel?

Has this person been punished for his/her actions?

Any information that would be helpful?

Walter

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
It is my husband. He went to prison for 8 months in 1997. The child is my daughter, now 24. I am the one that had him convicted. I thought I could forgive but for the last 11 years I have truely despised him. I knew when I picked him up from being released. I stayed with him due to pressure from our families. He has changed without a doubt. He has never touched drugs since that time. He has been a good father. I cannot forgive him. You could make a poster of him as far as a good husband, Now.
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

Forgiveness is not something that can be forced, it is something that comes naturally. The problem is while sometimes you can forgive someone for hurting yourself or even someone else it is very hard to forgive someone who has harmed your child.

How does your daughter feel about you living with him? This is something you need to consider as well, molestation is one of the more heinous crimes. A child should never be abused in such a way regardless of drug use. This is something your daughter must live with for the rest of her life.

Wither you can forgive him or not is debatable....I am not saying it can not be done. Though if after 11 years you still do not feel this it is not going to just pop up over night. There is also the concern that what if he does this again? If you have any young children around him at all then you are asking for trouble. Even if you feel he will never do it again, you still can not take a chance regardless.

Staying with him is not a decision your family can make for you. It is a decision you must make on your own. This is your life, and you are the one that must live with it. If you can not be happy then staying with him because your family is pressuring you is not healthy or fair to yourself or even to him.

I would like to say that forgiveness can be given, but you will never forget and that is the biggest problem. You will never see him in the same light you saw him before and deep down you may never be able to fully trust him. In the end without that trust your relationship will never move forward.

It sounds like you already know the real answer to your question......you know how you feel and in the end that is not going to change overnight or maybe ever. The question is do you want to live the rest of your life with the man who wronged your child? And if you do, can you put this to the side enough that it does not interfere in your relationship. If the answer to that is no.......then you will never be able to get past what has happened.

You may want to sit down and give some real thought to your own life.......take the family's out of the situation and think about you and your feelings. Is this what you really want out of life? Are you content to know that it is unsafe to allow any children or grandchildren alone with him? If not then now is the time to decide what you want and what you need.

Never allow someone else to dictate to you about how you live your life. While he may be better and may have changed, that does not mean that you will ever love him in the same way again. The love between a women and a man is far different then any other kind of love.......and it is not something your family or his family can mend for you.

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Walter's Post: I have four children the youngest being 15. All know everything about what happened. My daughter is the one that wanted to go back and live with him. He could always give them more than I could of if I had left him. My thought, always knowing it was wrong, is that I was the only one suffering. It now is affecting everything we do. He tries so hard and I know that I will never be able to forgive, let alone forget. I cannot be around him, I tell him how I feel. I haven't had sex with him in so long I can't remember. My biggest concern is changing my kids' life. I figure that these were my choices and I should have to live with them. Thats why now I'm considering all of this counseling to fix me. I know how stupid this is.
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.
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