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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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I need advice, my mother has always made me feel bad about ...

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I need advice, my mother has always made me feel bad about myself and we had a big falling out when my parents came to live with me after losing there home during hurricane katrina.

After about a week here she called everyone in our family, talked about all my faults, lied and criticized me. She embarrassed and put me down in my home for everything I did, cooked, washed clothes, fed my dogs & cats, it was all wrong. Our appliances were too old for her, she complained about my stove daily.

She screamed at me, calling me names which I am not used to anymore. The last time someone yelled at me like that was when I was still living under my parents roof. I hate screaming and walked out the door, or went into my bedroom and closed myself off when she started.

My Father took her side, he''s got a debilitating disease, chair bound, but not too sick to chime in and tell me not to talk back to her, even though he doesn''t know half the things she says & does.

They finally moved out & back to their home state. My father was very sick & wanted to see or talk to me while he was in the hospital. I refused, feeling very betrayed by him, he''s done this all his life taking sides with her while she also treated him like dirt. He passed away & I got a terse email from my neice, with my Mother behind it of course, with information about the funeral.

My gut instinct told me Mother would cause a scene if I showed up so I didn''t attend my father''s funeral. I emailed my brother''s one who isn''t talking to me over all this & gave them the reason why. She emailed me after the funeral asking how could I, what kind of person treats their dying father this way, etc.

You''d have to experience it, be in my shoes to know what I went through while they lived with me for 8 months after Katrina. I felt like I was reliving my awkward, insecure adolescence over again with a nasty tempered critical verbally & physically abusive Mother who was negative about life, and never satisfied with me her daughter. At 49 years old I had put up in silence with the ongoing digs even after I was married.

I though she calmed down and welcomed them into my home happy to have a fresh start, hoping we could build onto our home for my parents and have them live with us.

For it to turn so sour and end so badly is devastating, but I feel like she is a toxic person. Whenever she is near me I swear bad things happen, even things outside of the arguments. I mean things occur as if whenever she is in my presence I have bad luck with sickness, pets, people hurting themselves in my home, etc. It''s weird and creepy, but I believe it''s my Mother''s bad Karma. could there be any truth to this?

She wants to talk to me because she knows her time on earth is now limited. But do I need to let such a negative effect on my life back in?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

It's really hard to let go of the past especially when it comes back to haunt you (meaning your mother came to live with you) no matter how hard you tried to be nice to your mother she only threw back in your face by treating you the way she did when you were younger, but I think you should have said paid your last respects to your father even if he took your mothers side just so your mother couldn't paint you as the bad guy and the one putting a riff in your relationship, now she has your brother and everyone thinking that you are the bad seed. I think your Dad just felt like as their child you should always respect your parents but that wasn't a fair assumption especially the way she was treating you and continued to treat you even into adulthood. Your brother judges you without knowing the truth of what you went through but I think with your mother living with him he will truly see what she put you through and then he will understand why you did what you had to do just give him time to get over the hurt and pain of you not coming to the funeral because right now he doesn't care about anything but the fact that you didn't pay your last respects to your father but once he can see the bigger picture and your mother does the same thing to him he will then understand and hopefully reach out to you.

As far as your mother is concerned and having a relationship with her it might be too soon for that but I would suggest some counseling so that you can get over the pain she has caused and possibly be able to forgive her and try to have a relationship with her and love her unconditionally even with all of her faults, your mother may need her own counseling also to help her to understand what she put you through because no one has ever held her responsible for her action like your said your father only took her side even when she was in the wrong. He may have just wanted to keep the peace and didn't want to feel your mother's wrath and this is why he sided with her. The fact that you had to endure so much pain growing up has pushed you away from your family and a counselor can help you deal with that pain enough to have a relationship with your mother like you said her time here on earth is numbered and you don't want to live with regret of missing both parents funerals when she does pass away.

There is such a thing of bad Karma and your mother could very well have that around her but maybe you read bad karma into things that were happening to you and believe it was your mother causing them because in your eyes your mother is a bad person. What you should have done when she lived with you was made her aware of the fact that it was your home and that she needed to respect that you could have said it in a way that didn't sound disrespectful and still got your point across, it is time for you to start sticking up for yourself and tell your mother maybe in a letter everything you felt she has done to you from infancy all the way through adulthood. Your mother won't know these things unless you tell her everything you think she has done wrong this too can be therapeutic for you.

Make the letter as long as you need to be even if it is 10 pages or more, in the letter ask her to consider getting counseling so that you both can have a better relationship, explain to her you felt that she would only attack you if went to your father's funeral and this is why you didn't go remember to not sound disrespectful but put in words that she knows exactly how you feel about the way she treated you, also keep the door open for reconciliation don't close her off if she makes an attempt to reach out to you. I hope my answer has helped you and if you have anything to add just click reply.





Thank you again for trusting me with your problem.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX to explain it all here, but you did a good job. Actually I have two brothers which I didn't explain. One remembers a lot of the verbal abuse & we still talk, yet he's the one taking her in right now because she fell & broke her arm inb her condo. That brother & I have had many long conversations on the phone about the names she called him when he was a little boy. Like grunge mouth when he didn't brush his teeth, instead of teaching him how imporutanat it is to do it. A jerk or idiot if he asked any question of her, whhen he was older they had an argument & he punched a hole in the wall. AShortly after at 17 he left & never came back. He's very successful now, owns a State Farm in Colorado. Married 2 kids, but he took her in because she's frail right now with her arm broken.

My other brother is in total denial, he lives about 45 minutes from her & he doesn't speak to me because he won't even admit what went on in the house even though my daddy threw him out one time & called in a 'punk' for 'sassing' my Mother after she went on one of her screaming rants.

But that sounds like a good idea, a letter. Should I mail it, or email her? She spoke against me on the phone while they lived here and didn't even try to lower her voice so my husband & I wouldn't here it.

My Daddy kind of lost it & would clean himself at his motorized chair & exposed himself while doing it in front of myself & my husband. My husband would get up real early in the morning & see it. He told me then when I started seeing it I told my Mother. She said he had some kind of obsessive compulsive disorder & couldn't help it. Then they both gotr mad at me for bring it up?

Also during that time she caused a riff between my son, his wife & myself. She was in the middle of it and almost cost me my relationship with my son. Thank goodness we eventually al realized who was behind all the ugliness, or I would not be speaking to him or his wife and my grandkids. I've always been close to Shane, so that was really upsetting me too, that for a few months after Hurricane Katrina he didn't speak to me & I didn't know where he was or if he & his family were safe. And I hate to say it but it was my Mother's fault because she had a fight with Shane's wife and put me in the middle of it by telling lies and exxagerating how my daughter in law disiplined her children. she had me believing she was abusing my grandkids, which is totally false.

But maybe I need to get this all into a letter. You are right & have been a big help, all this has been penbt up for a couple of years. Thank you for the great advice.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

It's best to do it in a letter that way she knows you took time to write it and it will mean more I think an email will seem so impersonal to her, if she doesn't respond to your letter and it makes her worse I would tell you to love her from a far but I wouldn't cut her out of your life just go on living your life the way you have before she disrupted your household. It seems your mother strives on negativity and disrupting things so your brother better be careful maybe you should tell him so that he will be fair warned about your mother ability to make others look bad when it is her that is doing wrong.

I think your mother may have been upset that you and your son and his wife had a good relationship and that is why she tried to put a riff between you, she sees that even with everything she put you through you became a great and loving mother and everything she was not and this made her upset and that may be why she did that to you. Your mother isn't perfect no one is but it may be too late for her to change she seems set in her ways and unwilling to bend as if she is always right and everyone else is wrong. Don't make any quick decisions just write the letter and see where that goes before you make that final decision, allow your mother the chance to respond to everything you have said but if it is negative and belittling you may have to get use to the fact that you mother may never change her ways and just be glad you didn't become the mother that she was.

if she apologizes for her actions and the things she did think of it as a new beginning but still consider suggesting counseling for her to work through why she had to treat her children the way that she did. Your mother likes to be in control at any cost and that is fine and good when you are children but as adults she has to let you make your own lives and love you nevertheless.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
You are right she was jealous of the close relationship my son & I always had. He hung up on her the other day because she called him just to badmouth me. He said if you don't have something good to say about my Mom I don't want to talk right now. gly things again. I will try the letter & keep you informed in case I have another question about her response, which I suspect may not be what you would expect. I tried that once, right after thay moved away & all I got back was an email full of finger pointing accusations & excuses. I mean I know they lost evrything theur house was under 12 ft. of water, it's horrible, but she made that as an excuse to treat me like dirt. It's not a good enough reason, all I wanted to do was help them to start over & live with us if they wanted to. But I'll try another letter and ask you more questions when I get a response. Thanks.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Good Luck! I hope you get the response you need from you mother but if you do not then you should try to live your life to the fullest so you won't have regrets like you mother may have but the fact that she is still bad mouthing you is even more reason the letter needs to be written as soon as possible. Please do not hestitate to come back if you need my help just ask for me by name. Once again Good Luck to you.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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