HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:
It's really hard to let go of the past especially when it comes back to haunt you (meaning your mother came to live with you) no matter how hard you tried to be nice to your mother she only threw back in your face by treating you the way she did when you were younger, but I think you should have said paid your last respects to your father even if he took your mothers side just so your mother couldn't paint you as the bad guy and the one putting a riff in your relationship, now she has your brother and everyone thinking that you are the bad seed. I think your Dad just felt like as their child you should always respect your parents but that wasn't a fair assumption especially the way she was treating you and continued to treat you even into adulthood. Your brother judges you without knowing the truth of what you went through but I think with your mother living with him he will truly see what she put you through and then he will understand why you did what you had to do just give him time to get over the hurt and pain of you not coming to the funeral because right now he doesn't care about anything but the fact that you didn't pay your last respects to your father but once he can see the bigger picture and your mother does the same thing to him he will then understand and hopefully reach out to you.
As far as your mother is concerned and having a relationship with her it might be too soon for that but I would suggest some counseling so that you can get over the pain she has caused and possibly be able to forgive her and try to have a relationship with her and love her unconditionally even with all of her faults, your mother may need her own counseling also to help her to understand what she put you through because no one has ever held her responsible for her action like your said your father only took her side even when she was in the wrong. He may have just wanted to keep the peace and didn't want to feel your mother's wrath and this is why he sided with her. The fact that you had to endure so much pain growing up has pushed you away from your family and a counselor can help you deal with that pain enough to have a relationship with your mother like you said her time here on earth is numbered and you don't want to live with regret of missing both parents funerals when she does pass away.
There is such a thing of bad Karma and your mother could very well have that around her but maybe you read bad karma into things that were happening to you and believe it was your mother causing them because in your eyes your mother is a bad person. What you should have done when she lived with you was made her aware of the fact that it was your home and that she needed to respect that you could have said it in a way that didn't sound disrespectful and still got your point across, it is time for you to start sticking up for yourself and tell your mother maybe in a letter everything you felt she has done to you from infancy all the way through adulthood. Your mother won't know these things unless you tell her everything you think she has done wrong this too can be therapeutic for you.
Make the letter as long as you need to be even if it is 10 pages or more, in the letter ask her to consider getting counseling so that you both can have a better relationship, explain to her you felt that she would only attack you if went to your father's funeral and this is why you didn't go remember to not sound disrespectful but put in words that she knows exactly how you feel about the way she treated you, also keep the door open for reconciliation don't close her off if she makes an attempt to reach out to you. I hope my answer has helped you and if you have anything to add just click reply.
Thank you again for trusting me with your problem.
It's best to do it in a letter that way she knows you took time to write it and it will mean more I think an email will seem so impersonal to her, if she doesn't respond to your letter and it makes her worse I would tell you to love her from a far but I wouldn't cut her out of your life just go on living your life the way you have before she disrupted your household. It seems your mother strives on negativity and disrupting things so your brother better be careful maybe you should tell him so that he will be fair warned about your mother ability to make others look bad when it is her that is doing wrong.
I think your mother may have been upset that you and your son and his wife had a good relationship and that is why she tried to put a riff between you, she sees that even with everything she put you through you became a great and loving mother and everything she was not and this made her upset and that may be why she did that to you. Your mother isn't perfect no one is but it may be too late for her to change she seems set in her ways and unwilling to bend as if she is always right and everyone else is wrong. Don't make any quick decisions just write the letter and see where that goes before you make that final decision, allow your mother the chance to respond to everything you have said but if it is negative and belittling you may have to get use to the fact that you mother may never change her ways and just be glad you didn't become the mother that she was.
if she apologizes for her actions and the things she did think of it as a new beginning but still consider suggesting counseling for her to work through why she had to treat her children the way that she did. Your mother likes to be in control at any cost and that is fine and good when you are children but as adults she has to let you make your own lives and love you nevertheless.
Good Luck! I hope you get the response you need from you mother but if you do not then you should try to live your life to the fullest so you won't have regrets like you mother may have but the fact that she is still bad mouthing you is even more reason the letter needs to be written as soon as possible. Please do not hestitate to come back if you need my help just ask for me by name. Once again Good Luck to you.