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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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Ive been with my fianc for almost four years, about

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I've been with my fiancé for almost four years, about a year and a half into our relationship he proposed and I accepted. Last year I found out that he had been secretly using oxycottons (or Oxycodone). I told him he needed to talk to a therapist about this and get help, he agreed and followed up for about a month and he wasn't completely honest to the therapist about his issue. A couple months later I found out he was continuing to use this substance along with other lies such as other drugs and talking to other girls as friends but behind my back. The wedding was called off and again I told him he needed to get help and talk to his family about this since his father had similar addictions in his past. He agreed and all was well until this past weekend (about 4-5 months later) when I found out he used an ecstasy pill and when I confronted him; he started with the lies until I finally got the truth out of him. I asked him why does he continues to do this and he says he doesn't know. Since I can no longer trust him I asked him to leave and told him it's over. I am 25 and he is 30 so I think we should be past this stage in our life but he has proven over and over that he is not. I'm wondering if I should try to work this out with him or if I should just move on. Other then this our relationship is pretty close to perfect…he is my best friend and I love him so much but I don't want to continue and invest more in the relationship i.e. children, house, marriage if he's going to continue. On top of the drugs is the lies and I don't think I can handle much more heart break…what do you think?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

What I think isn't so as relevant as what you think...........your question already answered your problem. You admitted that he has addictions that he has no real desire to change. He has been given numerous opportunity's to seek help but has attempted to lie his way out of that help to you as well as the therapist. If he wanted to change, and was actively working on getting help then that would be one thing....but based on his actions he wants you to think he is getting help, while lying to his therapist and his family. Is this what you really want life to be like when you have children?

The reality is you can never know the future, but when you are granted a chance to see how present actions can reflect the future you should take it very seriously. Right now this is a relationship that has no real ties......a few years from now you may have children a home and responsibility's. Should he continue on his current path these things are going to come to a head and be a real issue in your marriage.

The truth of the matter is you can not change him, only he can make these changes and it sounds like he is not ready to. Marriage is about more then love. Its about trust, commitment, and partnership. If only one of you are investing these things eventually you will come to resent him. Which can be heartbreaking when you have children involved. Your future children deserve to have a father in their lives......should he continue and the marriage split this will be hard on the kids. Add to the fact that he would have visitation and or custody of the children even while doing drugs is scary to say the least.

As far as investment in the relationship, if you truly believe he will change then there is nothing wrong with taking it slow. Let him know that the ball is now in his court. If he is willing to change and work on this then you will consider a relationship once he has made some effort. If he fails to do so, then no real loss as you have already broken things off. If he loves you enough to change then you can go from there.

Your only 25, you do not have a big rush on the marriage game yet. Slow down, and consider your options some. Jumping into a marriage with these kinds of problems is only going to head for disaster. Give him some space so he can make his choices and you can move on in your life.

Have you ever heard the song....."Thank God for unanswered prayers"? Basically the meaning is what may seem like a true loss right now is only really a detour in your life. Someday you will meet Mr. Right (Or your boyfriend may change) and you will look back on this happy and thankful that you made the right choice. It always seems like True love when you are in love......but once you have a more clear view of the relationship it is often easier to see the flaws.

I can not tell you what is best for you..........but if you take a good long look at this you will see the truth.

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you. You pretty much said what I needed to hear and although i've been getting lots of advise this makes things some what clearer. Thank you again.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
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