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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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My girlfriend and I have been dating quite serious for ...

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My girlfriend and I have been dating quite serious for about two years, she was divorced during the very beginning of our relationship. She says she loves me very much and we have talked about a future together, but recently she states that she needs time to be alone and figure out her life, the very same night she was on the phone with ex-husband. She still wants to have a relationship with me, says she misses me, loves me but that in order for us to have any future she needs time. Meanwhile I''m struggling with missing her alot, Ive told her I will respect her requests with time. We talk a few times a day but the vibe I get from her isn''t as warm as usual and it decreases each day. So am I wasting my time and emotions on something thats a lost cause? What does all this really mean?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.

Hi Seahawk,

I would be happy to answer your question for you. First, could you answer these questions so that I can provide you with a better response tonight.

What are your ages?

How long was she married before?

Have you ever been married before?

Why did she get divorced?

What was she talking to her ex for?

 

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to JR, MA's Post: Thank you for responding, I am 31 and she is 33. She was married approx 3-4yrs, Ive never been married. She said she got divorced because of me but that their relationship was not working out the way it should be, but that niether of them have any animosity toword one another. She say the reason they were talking was because she wanted to clear stuff up with him and that she misses his friendship. This isnt the first time they have communicated, there have been a few other times and she had lied about all of them, so who knows how many other times they've talked. She does promise me all the time that they are friends at best and that I am the one she is in love with. She states she does not want to go back to him.
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 6 years ago.

HelloCustomer

Thank you for answering my questions. I agree with you. Her behavior towards you does sound odd given that you are "the one she is in love with." Her desire for space may reflect a number of different issues in your relationship; however, none of those issues would reflect a positive direction for your relationship. Most women will attempt to pull their man closer in times of conflict, hoping to work out the miscommunication. Her behavior is indicative of someone who is trying to emotionally isolate herself from you. After a couple of years being together, she may have decided that she is uncertain about what she wants for the rest of her life. If she were really "in love" with you, she would be looking for a ring by now. Asking for space is not a good thing given all that you have told me. For a man, asking for space is more common. Men tend to need more independence and autonomy, whereas women tend to need more closeness and connectedness. Her desire to pull away from you, while engaging in "friendly" conversations with her ex-husband is more than a little suspicious. Your good sense serves you well. Although this is purely speculative, she may be pulling away from you and cutting herself off emotionally so that you become frustrated and break off the relationship before she has to reveal her true feelings. She may feel guilty and afraid to directly end the relationship. Regardless of her reasons, it leaves you feeling like a dog on a leash waiting for the master to let you sit on the couch. It sounds like you are trying to connect with her and she is pulling away even more. Moreover, her behavior with her ex-husband is suspicious and unhealthy for your relationship. She may be having somewhat of an emotional affair, even if there is nothing physical taking place between them. However, we do not have enough evidence to confirm this possibility. I suggest that you gently confront her about the way that she has been behaving and bring up the issue about talking with her ex-husband. You need to let her know how this torturing you. Get her to commit to something. Tell her that you will give her some time to think and get back to you about it. But let her know that she needs to be in or out. I'm not sure what she needs "space" for, but it certainly isn't going to save your relationship at this point. Offer to attend couples therapy with her. If she balks at the opportunity, it will likely confirm what you have expected. She is likely moving on from this relationship. If she left a man for another man once, there is nothing stopping her from doing it again. She sounds somewhat unstable and that is probably not what you are looking for in a wife my friend. She needs to give you an answer about her behavior....and that entails more than "I just need space."

If you found this answer helpful, please click accept so that I get credit for my time and work. Also, if you have any follow-up questions, I would be happy to help you. Please feel free to contact me again. Best of luck to you.

JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience: I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.