It sounds like you are very confused and embarrassed about your situation. I suspect that you have learned to think about things like divorce as embarrassing and shameful. Even the fact that your father is concealing his separation from you communicates the message that relationship problems should not be discussed openly. I commend you for sharing your feelings and attempting to communicate with your husband. It must be very difficult for you to open yourself up to him. It sounds like he does not see the problems that you see in the relationship. Men often struggle to express their emotions verbally and may avoid discussing negative events in an effort to avoid the negative emotions associated with the event. Your husband may be dismissing your feelings to avoid confronting the problems you are having together. You probably feel like you are talking to a brick wall sometimes. I know that can be very difficult and frustrating. You are probably just trying to connect with him and share your concerns. You must feel very unloved and hurt. It is ok that you feel this way. There is nothing wrong with you for having these feelings.
Your husband's desire to start a family with you sounds like he is trying to avoid again. He may be attempting to start over and have a "new" family. He may be denying the problems in your marriage because he desperately wants to pursue this fantasy of a "new" family. You are challenging him to confront the reality that he already has a family and he is resisting your attempts to make him face reality. You are 24 years old and have your whole future ahead of you. I understand your apprehension about starting a family. Your intuition serves your well in this decision. It would be unwise to bring children into an environment marked by inconsistency and emotional unrest. You should not even think about having children until your marriage is on the right track.
However, I understand that you have serious reservations about remaining married. It sounds like you married into a very difficult situation. Unfortunately, military couples are significantly more likely to get divorced than civilian couples. The stress associated with deployment and the instability of your lifestyle makes it difficult to establish the framework for a good relationship. It sounds like you realize you made a mistake with this marriage. If you are completely in love with this man, I would suggest that you get marital therapy as soon as possible. Your husband needs to understand and respect your goals in life. You are "one" in marriage, but he must realize that your have separate goals. If he is not prepared to listen and will not attend marital therapy, you should probably seriously consider filing for divorce. Remember, love is more than a feeling of excitement and butterflies. To love, you must choose to lose part of yourself and give to your loved one unconditionally. Ultimately, you must ask yourself this...If I never achieve what I want...If I never finish my education....If I have children before I am ready....If I go along with all that he wants....WILL I BE HAPPY IN THE END? If you can answer YES, then you should try to seek out therapy. If you answer is NO, you should talk this out with him. You should share your feelings and decide if divorce is right for YOU. By the way...You are never a failure for recognizing mistakes and doing something to fix things. By contacting me, it shows that you want to do the right thing. Now go and do it! I assure you...your guilt will be worse if you wait until things get worse.
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