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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I am recently married, my wife does not enjoy sex on ...

Customer Question

I am recently married, my wife does not enjoy sex on a consistant basis. She was abused by her step dad as a child. Her ex husband and I are friends and he tells me that she wanted it all the time. She tells me that she has never had a man show her love like I do and affirm her as much as I do. Why does she not to have sex with me?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

It may be due to the fact that she was abused by her step father and it didn't come out it until she found someone that truly loved her, itcould be the fact that before she associated sex with something bad and maybe her ex wasn't the nicest person to her and didn't treat her the way you do with such respect and so loving. She doesn't have anything to prove with you and feels a sense of security her step father and ex couldn't give her and she doesn't feel like she has to justify herself through sex she may also have just started feeling the effects of the sexual abuse inflicted on her by her step father and she may need to seek some type of counseling for that abuse. She needs to work out her issues as far as the abuse because I think this is stemming from her abuse and has nothing to do with you and your sense of security you give her makes her feel like she has nothing to prove to you and that she doesn't have to have sex with you as much as she did with her ex or maybe that sense of security brings back the memories of abuse because she was supposed to be able to feel secure in her own household and her step father took that away from and she is associating that with your relationship.

Your only choice may be to get her counseling where she can work through what happened to her and not blame herself and to blame the sick person that took advantage of her as a child, the counselor can also help her to forgive what happened to her and feel like she deserves happiness in her life. She may be blaming herself for what happened but what she needs to understand is that she was a child and he was the adult and should not have taken advantage of her in that way. She has kept this secret throughout her life and kept it bottled up inside of her because she was ashamed of what he did but she isn't the one that should be ashamed her step father should be. Did she prosecute him when this happened? If she didn't tell and kept it to herself or if nothing happened to him this may make her feel like she will never be secure and that the security you give her is false security but you won't know the truth length of her torment until she gets outside help. Just try to be supportive and be there for her she will come around with help.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
She is 39 years old. She has had help and states that it helped. She use to have to give him blow jobs. There never was penetration. As for her ex he never showed her love or affection she had to beg for it. He later left her becasue he decided he was gay. when she has sex it is awsome. But for her she could do without for a couple of weeks. she states that she is about 2 times a week. I want it 3-4 times a week. It seems that we do it 2 times in 1 week and then wait about a week before we do it again. There have been 3 people that have influenced her life. 1) Step dad 2)1st husband who use to tell her she was fat when she was a size 4 and try to make her into someone else. 3)2nd husband whom you already know about. I feel at times that I am married to all 3. I'm 6' at 205 lbs and she wants me to be chiseled. I am 37 thoses days are gone but I still have a great body just not chisled abs. She still thinks she is fat at 130 lbs but she looks damn good. She does not need much intimacy stemming from 2 nd husband. Me I love intimacy to me there is nothing more rewarding than than just lieing close both naked. It fufllis me in a more spirtual way than sex alone. I crave intiamcy but know that she will never be able to fufill it. If she could make love with her clothes on she would. Here is the Question What do I have to do to create the feeling that she needs to increase her sexual desire? My thought is to stop affirming her so much. I am starting to resent living in the shadows of all those guys who hurt her. She compares me to #2 husband a lot. They are still great friends and I feel that if he was not gay she would leave me for him in a minute. Even though I give her more love than she has ever had. by the way I am tired of having blueballs becasue of the lack of sex. I have to go to work right now I will check your resonse tonight?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

There needs to be a compromise between the two of you and she may have way more issues stemming from all of her relationships than she wants to admit this is why I said she may need more counseling there is a reason that you feel like you are married to all three of those men because all three of those men hurt her in a way that she still has not been able to get over. The step father made her feel dirty, the first husband broke down her self esteem, and the third husband (Who is not gay) made her feel inadequate and now you are taking the brunt of that hurt. If you start to affirm her she will only feel even more inadequate then she had before and she will wonder why you have changed on her also and she will think it she that there is something wrong with her.

Your wife really needs counseling of those relationships she has had with men have been negative and now she seems to feel like she isn't worth anything and that is why she isn't giving you the intimacy you are desire because she doesn't feel good about herself no matter how many times you tell her she is beautiful and sexy or looks good she will always find things wrong, she has to learn to love herself before she can make you feel wanted and needed both intimately and mentally. She isn't mentally able to give you what you want and a counselor can help her to learn to love herself again and appreciate the positive things in her life.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks good answer. How do I approach the senstive nature of this type of problem to get her to admit that counseling is a good method to a long over due healing process without being the bad guy?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
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