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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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i AM GETTING MARRIED IN SEPTEMBER AND THE GUY I AM GETTING ...

Customer Question

i AM GETTING MARRIED IN SEPTEMBER AND THE GUY I AM GETTING MARRIED WHO I HAVE BEEN GOING WITH FOR A LONG TIME, MAKES VERBAL COMMENTS TO ME AT TIMES IN A LOW VOICE AT TIMES AND WHEN I QUESTION HIM HE DENIES IT SAYING THAT HE WOULD NEVER SAY THINGS LIKE THAT.WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

-What is your ages?

-Exactly how long have you been dating?

-What does he say in a little voice?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I AM 49 AND HE IS 50, ABOUT 8 YEARS, USELESS, HOPLESS. I KNOW HE LOVES ME HE TAKES ME TO DR'S APPTS AND IS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
HE CALLS ME EVERY NIGHT AND WE TALK
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Are you sure he is calling you that and isn't saying this is useless or hopeless? Sometimes when people are stressed it causes them to say thing they wouldn't normally say. You have to tell him how this makes you feel and ask him if he could stop calling you those names if it is meant towards you and if he loves you as much as you say he does then he will work on that. Like in every relationship communication is a major key to the success of that relationship and if you are not communicating your feelings to him then the behavior will only continue. He really may not be talking about you yourself but the situation so ask him what he means by saying those words because they are starting to really hurt you. They are verbal attacks and if you don't' stop it now it may only get worse when you marry.

Sometimes verbal attacks can hurt just as bad as physical attacks so don't continue to put up with it. You can talk this out and should talk this out before you get married you don't want into the marriage with this baggage. a marriage is supposed to be a new beginning in your life not that same issues you dealt with in your relationship because you are taking your relationship to a whole new level when you marry and if he is going to say for better or for worse he should mean those words not just say them. Tell him though he says them in a low voice you can still hear them and it hurts you and you do not want him to use those type of word when describing you. This is definitely something you are going to have to work on before the wedding.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
JULY 30TH- HE DENIES HE EVER HAD SAID THOSE THINGS, WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

You are going to have to settle this issues before you get married or things will only get worse. You have to let him know that isn't acceptable behavior. you don't have much time to do so but you don't want to go into the marriage with issues like I said before you need to sit him down and tell him to stop denying what you heard him say and that he needs to realize that you don't want him to ever talk to you in that manner. Relationship and marriage is partly about respecting each other and being able to communicate without hurting each others feelings. Unless you are willing to marry him first and then work on your issues secondly but that isn't a healthy way to enter into a marriage.

If you allow him to get away with it that might make him think that you would put up with anything he does to you and you don't want him to think that at all. You don't want to get married only to turn around and leave because he isn't treating you the way you should be treated. I would talk to him tonight and tell him that you will not marry him unless he owns up to what he said to you and apologize. Do you mean your getting married July 30th?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
NO SEPTEMBER 12TH
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

Then try to resolve this issue before then even if you can get a clergyman or a marriage counselor involved it's important that you handle this now don't let it get swept under the carpet. I think he knows what he said and doesn't want to make you mad at him or even possibly not marry him in September either way it was to be dealt with. What you could try doing is saying that you know that he said that to you and that you are going to forgive him this time but if it happens again you both with deal with this problem. The choice is up to you but just make sure you let him know that you will not stand for any kind of verbal abuse from someone who claims to love you. Now is a stressful time for the both of you maybe this was stress build up and he just spoke without thinking and didn't mean to say it or for you to hear it.

 

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
HE HAS BEEN DOING IT FOR A LONG TIME, HE SAID HE WON'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT AGAIN, BUT HE HAS AND HE DENIES IT, WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

It's time for you decide if you want to marry him knowing this and the fact that he continues to do this and then denies it or can you over look this and marry him. It's never good to start a marriage with someone you feel is verbally abusive towards you but his level of verbal abuse is mild compare to things he could say to you but you have to be the one to put your foot and demand that you get the respect that you give him. Do you love him enough to marry him and work on this together or do you want it to stop before you marry him. It could be stress causing him to verbal say things that you feel disrespects you.

Are you willing to put the wedding off until this stops? Are you having second thoughts about marrying knowing he is saying those things to you and then denies ever saying them? You are taking a chance of it possibly getting worse after you are married, that is why I asked if you if possibly you could postpone the wedding until these issues are worked out. I say if you think that you can work on this issues with him after the wedding I say you talk to him about it or possibly trying to get some pre marriage counseling with him.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
HE DOES NOT WANT TO POSTPONE THE WEDDING, HE TELLS ME HE WILL WORK AT IT, I HAD TALK TO HIM ABOUT CANCELLING THE WEDDING UNTIL HE WORKS ON THIS VERBAL ISSUE, BUT HE SAID IT WOULD BE EMBARRASING TO CANCEL IT AND GET MARRIED AT ANOTHER DATE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

The final decision is yours to make and if you don't feel that you can honestly get married while this is hanging over your relationship then you have to make the call, only you know what makes you happy and if other than those comments he has made he makes you happy then maybe you can work on it after them marriage but it's never a good thing going into a marriage with issues marriage is supposed to be a clean slate where you build new beginnings together with love and REPSECT and right now you don't feel you have that respect from him and if this is important to you don't give him to him just because he doesn't want to be embarrassed maybe try telling him if you do not see an improvement from him between now and the wedding then you will have no choice but to postpone the wedding this will give him no other choice but to work on his verbal attacks or postponed wedding.

Your wedding day is suppose to be your special day also and you should be just as happy as he will be and right now you just don't sound too happy with him. Make sure you not only do what is best for him but what is best for you also.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
WE ARE SUPPOSED TO GO APPLY FOR THE MARRIAGE LICENSE ON FRIDAY,IT IS OKAY TO GET IT AND SEE IF THERE WILL BE AN APPROVEMENT OR NOT? I AM TAKING YOUR ADVICE
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

Yes go ahead and apply for the license and see if that make things any better. A license does not mean you absolutely have to get married.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I AM NOT HAVING A BIG WEDDING, SO IT IS ONLY GOING TO COST $100.00 FOR THE LICENSE, HE PAID FOR THE DRESS.IF THEIR IS NO IMPROVEMNT IT WILL NOT HAPPEN THATS ALL. I KNOW A LICENSE DOES NOT MEAN YOU ABSOULTELY HAVE TO GET MARRIED.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

Make sure that if he does improve that you tell him that you are noticing his improvement this may encourage him to keep up the positive behavior. Make him feel appreciated for the things he does and maybe he will realize that you are not against him and your on his side. Just make sure you do what makes you happy if being without him will make you miserable then continue to work with him.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I TOLD HIM LAST NIGHT THAT WE WILL GET THE MARRIAGE LICENSE AND GET MARRIED AS LONG AS HE IMPROVES OTHERWISE IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN,I WILL CANCEL IT EVEN WITH SENDING OUT INVITATIONS FOR THE DINNER CELEBRATION AFTERWARDS.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

That's good hopefully he will make an effort to change if he truly loves you he will do everything he can to change. Make sure you stick by your word and mean what you say or else he will think you are just trying to scare him and your not serious. If you have to continue to tell him this until he finally realizes that you are totally serious and will call off the wedding if things don't get any better. If you are satisfied with my answer click the accept button so that I can credit for my answers.

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