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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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My partner of 6 years broke up with me a month ago. We are ...

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My partner of 6 years broke up with me a month ago. We are both 25 and have a 5 year old. He met a girl who he cheated on me with twice last year when we were going through a rough patch.He got together with her a day after we broke up & is going out with her. He wants to be friends but it is very raw for me and I find seeing him painful. I am sure his new relationship won't work.She is 20, carefree etc and lives an hour away. He has a child, mortgage,career & is usually quite sensible. He felt trapped as I wanted to get married and think about having more children. I had become lost in the relationship and we never socialised or had much to talk about. I am now going out and realise I had changed and not for the better. He felt he was missing out by having to stay in and have responsibilities. I don't know whether to tell him I don't want to be friends.I know it will be easier on me to get over it if I don't see him.But I am afraid I will never get him back if I don't stay his friend.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

Do you want him back right now?

Do you think he will ever come back? (Honestly)

Who's idea was it to split up?

What was the reasons?

Are you still together in any sense other then friends?

Walter

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Do you want him back right now?

Not the way he is acting now, no. I know I will be ok without him. If he were to realise that it is me he wants then I would take him back once he was willing to go to counselling etc and work on our relationship.

Do you think he will ever come back? (Honestly)

Yes. I hate to admit it to myself but I really do. We were so young when we met and we have been through a lot and are old before our time I guess. His mother has even said that he was never "wild" even as a teen. He was always sensible and level headed. Always has been as long as I've known him. I feel that he felt he was missing out on going out and I was the cause of that (I wasn't really). he sees this girl as someone he can go out with, have fun with and who won't try to tie him down. But he is still trying to hold on to the "adult" life we shared. Our house, our daughter, his job. Part of me feels that if he really wanted all this long term then we would sell the house and he would move nearer to her (as that is where we originally are from and all his freinds are there). I feel he wants to experience the freedom we missed out on by becoming parents at 20. He has said that if he didn't leave he would spend his life wondering if he had settled because it was easier. He wants to go and see if this is what he wants. If it is what he wants then he said I am better off as we wouldn't have lasted. If it isn't what he wants then he will relaise that I am what he wants and can commit to me 100% which he hasn't been doing for the past year.

Who's idea was it to split up?
It was his. Though a couple of days later he asked me to give it another go as he felt he should. But I could tell his heart wasn't in it and I wasn't willing to go through the pain again so I said no. I changed my mind a few days later and asked if we could and he said I was right about his heart not being in it and that it wouldn't work the way he felt.

What were the reasons?
i wanted more children though I am willing to wait. he felt that as our daughter got older we should be enjoying our freedom more and I wanted to go back to being tied down to an infant and all that goes with it. He felt we had become a couple who have nothing in common or anything to talk about. He likes going to clubs, I don't. I never went out. He felt he had changed and wanted to be selfish and not think about anyone but himself. he didn't love me the way he used to. He had feelings for this other girl and was afraid he would continue to cheat on me with her. He felt he had to go and explore his feelings for her.

Are you still together in any sense other then friends?

We were. One night a day or so after we broke up but he said it left him feeling very confused. I asked him another night (the night I was moving out) as he wanted us to spend the evening together. He said no as he didn't want to cheat on the new girlfriend. but we spent the evening talking and laughing and he came on to me and we spent the night together. I asked him to come to a party we had been invited to before we split and he said he couldn't as he didn't trust himself to spend an evening with me (drinking and having fun). He says he wants to be freinds but will only talk about practical things like the house or our daughter when we are talking. Any time I try to be friendly (not even suggestive or flirty) but if I make a joke or tell a story he clams up and either leaves or talks about practical things.
He doesn't make an effort to spend time with me now. He avoids me but still maintains he wants us to be friends.
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

Sounds like he needs to man up a little...............he can not have security and single life at the same time. Based on what you have said, he has pretty much told you that he wants to go and try this and if it does not work out then he will commit to you. Thats pretty selfish............you can not give one thing a whirl and then go back if it is not to your liking.

The reality is you must make the right decisions for you and your child until he decides what he wants to do. Since he has pretty much said he wants to try and make it work with the new girl then you may want to consider moving on. Just because you move on does not mean that you can not make it work later on. The issue is if you hold on and wait you will come to resent him and if you get back together that resentment will prevent you both from working out the relationship.

You have a couple of options. The first is to sit down with him and let him know that while you love him you can not wait for him to decide what he wants. You have a child to think about and your own heart needs time to heal. Explain to him that for now you really do not want to be friends. That you are going to move on, and that should he decide you are what he wants he can give you a call then and if you are still interested you both can move on with the relationship.

This will do a couple things, it will clue him in on the fact that you deserve respect and that he needs to wake up and decide what he wants before he loses the options he now has. The fact is there are a lot of other guys out there that would love to be your man and he knows this. So the longer he fools around the better his chances of losing you. This reality will spur him into action and force him to take a good long look at himself and what he wants.

You on the other hand will have the time to truly mend your heart. Seeing him and being around him will never get you over him. You can go out and find yourself and what you are looking for in life and in a partner. Maybe you will find someone new that sweeps you off your feet.......and maybe he will come back and you all can work it out. But the reality is you can not hold on forever.

Your other option is stay the course and hope for the best. If you choose to go this route you will have to accept that he may take a while to figure out what he wants and it may not be you. The hardest issue with this is the longer he takes the more you will resent what he has done. If you do get back together you may hold this over his head or come to dislike him for what he has done to you. If that happens making a relationship work will be very hard.

If you do get back together counseling is a definitely do thing. In the end this is your choice. But moving on will not harm the choice regardless.........if he really decides he wants to be with you then he will make his intentions known. If not then he did not truly want to get back together regardless. If you decide to move on then you have some hard decisions ahead of you such as how to handle the house, custody of your daughter, child support so he can help support the child as well as other matters like visitation. Once you decide what you want to do.......it is time to sit down and talk with him about how you are going to handle all of these things.

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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