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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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my husband and i have been married for 15 years we worked ...

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my husband and i have been married for 15 years we worked to getter well he started texting this women at work who i thought was my friend i started noticing they were talking alot more she ended up getting me fired so my husband got mad that i told the women i work with about the 2 of them talking i then started calling her a home recker and a whore i recently found out by putting a recorder in the car that she was going to work with him on the weekends to his second job he claims its all my fault because i have a big mouth and told the world about the 2 of them i heard on the tape him telling her he loves her i dontknow what to do because he comes home like nothing is wrong.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

-What are your ages?

-How long have they been talking to each other?

-Did he cheat with her or it hasn't gotten that far?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: im 43 hes 50 and she is 41 and going threw a divorce they have been talking since dec 2007 im not sure if he cheated i have no proof but why do u tell a women u love her if you havent cheated
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

You have to confront your husband about this, he is married and he knew he was married when he started talking to this friend if that is what you can call her. He may be doing this now because you called him on his actions and he was mad but now it is jeopardizing your marriage and if you want you marriage to work you have to fight for it. Tell your husband either he gives up talking to this woman all together or you want a trial separation and if he wants the marriage he will fight and if he doesn't he will agree to the separation. I think he continues to talk to this woman because you really haven't put your foot down as far as that is concerned. Just for your safety I would hold on to those tapes in case things get worse and the marriage doesn't work.

Don't give up without a fight not physically fighting but talk to the woman and tell her that she is suppose to be your friend and that friends don't stab each other in the back. 15 years is a long time to be together and you should really think about not throwing that away because of one woman maybe some marriage counseling would help now you have tried talking to both parties ask your husband to consider counseling. The counselor can help you both better communicate and maybe help your husband to see that he actions are both disrespectful towards your marriage and degrading to you that he acts like nothing is happening and I don't think you will be able to get him to see that he actions are hurting your marriage to the point where it could be headed for separation.

You both can get past this but not on your own it seems to only make things worse you need outside help counseling, clergyman, family friend that can talk some sense into your husband so that he doesn't throw away a 15 year marriage for a little bit of pleasure but like you said you don't know for sure that he has cheated so why wait until he actually does cheat if he hasn't cheated yet get the help NOW. A counselor could get to the root of the problem as to why your husband felt the need to start talking to this woman in the first place and then can help the two of you mend your relationship.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i have asked him to stop talking to her he refuses i asked for a seperation he says he dont want one he wont go to counceling he says he dont need it
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

Without proof that he is cheating there is really nothing you can do and if he isn't owning up to his behavior you have two choices if he doesn't want to get counseling because he feels he doesn't need it, you can either move out and tell him you will not come back until he is finished with the other woman or continue talking to him in hopes that you can get through to him so that he shows you the respect you deserve as his wife. Unless you are willing to wait this out and hope that he doesn't leave for this other woman. He seems to think that what he is doing with this woman is not wrong unless he is only talking to her and being a support system while she goes through this divorce. Have you tried playing back the tape where he said he loved this woman? All of your talking to him is going in one ear and out the other.

Do you have a clergyman that maybe you can talk to? He may be able to counsel your husband without him knowing that he is being counseled. The real problem here is that your husband thinks he isn't doing anything wrong as a married man telling another woman that he loves them and he just doesn't seem to want to do anything about this at all he thinks that you should sit around and allow him to talk or do whatever else with another woman. He has to know that you are serious about a separation if things do not change. Do you have family or friend you can stay with if you do decide on a separation? Will he leave if you tell him you want a separation? There has to be something drastic to happen before he realizes you're serious.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i dont have a clergyman to talk to i do have family i dont want to leave my house it was a family home and he wount leave either i did catch them in the back of her van one day but i saw them doing nothing put he wears a fanny bag and it was off his waist i think she was going to give him oral sex only a guess i dont beleive he is helping her get threw a divorce he wont sign seperation papers and tells me im not going to tell him who to talk to they text each other like crazy i also heardhim call her baby and telling her to hurry up get in his car and making kissing noises on the phone thats when i also heard her say that you cant keep playing me and her he said his not going to let her go i have it on tape i just dont know what to do to make him think im seriouse its me or her
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

If he isn't going to go or leave the family house, you have make the decision to either coexist or move out and since you do not want to do that you will have to consult an attorney as to what your rights are as far as the house, I can not answer that for you but I can transfer you to one of our legal experts and they can tell you want rights you may or may not have as far as getting him to leave the family home. As far as the relationship is concerned if you heard all of that on the tape it is time for you to live apart because he feels as though he has his cake and eating it too. Don't give him that much power or the cheating will get worse and he may get bold enough to show her affection in front of you don't allow him that much power show him that you have the power not to put up with your husband cheating with a friend and then tell you how things are going to be. I really think you should start proceedings on how to get him out of the house and have a trial separation and then he will see that you are serious about not putting up with him blatantly disrespecting you on a regular basis. Would you like for me to transfer you to one of our legal experts?

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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