How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask KimberlyF Your Own Question

KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
1572083
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
KimberlyF is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Im worried my boyfriend doesnt want to be with

Customer Question

I''m worried my boyfriend doesn''t want to be with me as much I want to be with him. Last night, he declined a invitation to stay with me, and said he wanted to leave early=also turning me down after I initiated a little foreplay...saying he ''just wanted to go home''. I feel horrible. I don''t want to jeapordize anything, we''ve been dating for about 5 mo. now, and balancing kids-conflicting schedules this summer, (it was ALOT easier during the school yr. we were on the same schedule), it seems like he isn''t as ''into'' our intimate life as he used to be. I don''t want to lose him...he means so much to me!
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

-What are your ages?

-Do you both have children?

-Did you ask him if anything was wrong?

-Has he gone through anything stressful these days?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: I am 47, he's 43
yes mine are w/me during the school year except for every other weekend, and every Thursday nite.; he has his every other weekend, wed. nites and tues until 8:00. The summer has been difficult, because my x has my kids much more, and, the same with him. He has them for week/wk and half at a time. so, i have been spending alot of time w. him and the kids. (we are both divorced) the kids enjoy being w/each other. and each time I go over, I ask if it's okay w/him and he's always good w/it.

Last night before we went out he said we needed to talk...got it all out; he said because of his work schedule, the kids, and his golf and workout schedule, he feels like he has no time alone( I have filled in the alone time). He and I talked about stepping back to seeing each other only a couple of times a week so he could get a handle on his life again. He is a very busy man; and I have wondered MANY times how he fits me in. But, he's always seemed like he wants to see and be with me/never, until this time (2 nites ago)did he really 'turn me down'.
So, I guess this will answer the stress question.
I'd like to add, that when he IS free and doesn't have the kids, he always does his thing first(Workout, golf, shops)-then fits me in at the very end of the day. He'll include me by asking me to go walk 9 holes w/him; we occasionally workout together-
What's settling in now, is he tells me this on a long weekend when we are both completely kids free...so, now I feel like it's difficult to approach him. I made sure to know he wanted to continue seeing each other seriously, just not the almost everyday thing; it's not until NOW that he has said anything! so, I have naturally thought everything was fine with him.
We were supposed to go to a friends party together today, but he never 'really' came out and invited me (that's just the way he usually is: he's a =let's go together= kinda guy). So, do I ask about the party today? Or do I call? This is going to be hard for me for awhile, but I need to treat this situation carefully and gracefully, because I want to keep him in my life!
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

He may just be feeling overwhelmed with everything seeing that he is so busy with EVERYTHING he may be just wanting to find himself again and getting his sanity back trying to juggle everything at once is taking a toll on him, try not to think of it as him not wanting to see you as much anymore and try to be supportive of him need some me time if he sees that you are being completely support it will show him that you will stick by him through anything. Just show him that he can count on you and things will get better just don't try to monopolize his time this may only push him away.

As far as the party is concerned, ask him if the two of you were going to the party or would he like to go alone and if he says he wants to go alone give him that and don't let he see that you are upset it will only stress him out more. This is going to be trying times for you too, just don't keep your feelings hidden if it gets to be too much for you let him know how you are feeling without sounding selfish. I don't think it is you I thin he truly needs some time to himself to gather his bearings so as not to lose his mind while trying to make other people happy.

If you give him this time things will get better but try not to lose yourself in the process too make sure that you are getting some alone time with him also even if it is a couple of times a week make those couple of times really special for you both and maybe he will want to have alot more of those times with you.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: Thanks so much-what you said it's totally what I thought, but it certainly nice to get professional advice.
So, I guess if I don't hear from him in the next couple hours, I'll call him about the party. Even though I kinda feel uncomfortable asking!
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

You're so welcome and if you ever need my help again ask for me by name and let me know how things are going.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: thanks, XXXXX XXXXX a few hours?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

If the party is tonight I would not wait to find out if he wanted to go with you or alone I would call now and try to make the conversation quick so that you are not taking up time that he may have wanted to spend to himself just tell him you had a quick question and then ask him about the Party and get his answer and say okay I was just wondering, hope you have a good day and call me when you have time.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: Kimberly- he just called, made a little small talk about his errands...I asked if he was going, he said 'yes' - 'unless you'd like to go with me'.
I said 'I'd love to go with you'. Asked him what time, etc. he asked me what type of side dish he could bring, I offered but gave suggestions for him to do it... he's picking me up around 3.
I feel really good about this; I want to respect his space and show him I don't want to lose him.
thank you !
I hope I can continue to talk with you if I need to!
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Of course you can talk to me whenever you need to, remember to enjoy this time with him and make him see that you are there for him totally. Let me know how it goes.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: Kimberly:
he just dropped me off after the party; it was fun-about aXXXXXthere, so we just talked about anything (nothing about our relationship-that was all covered last night.
It's 10:30, and I'm home. I asked him to come in, he declined said wanted to get to sleep.
But got out of the car for some nice kisses and hugs.
I know it's pretty premature, but what about our intimacy? We have been involved intimately for about four months (about 3 - 4x a week). I miss that part already. It's been 2 weeks.and, as I said at the beginning of my messages, he flat out shut my advances down on Thurs. nite. Now, I'm thinking it will get harder and harder to get back into the groove again...or even worse, he won't want to anymore. Guess it's just my insecurities....will that come back in the future?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

You are going to have to give him some time but don't wait too long to have a talk with him about the intimacy part of the relationship in any relationship you need to feel wanted and cared for, there is a reason he doesn't want to get intimate and the only way you will find that out is to ask him because he is the only person that knows why he doesn't want to do that anymore and turns you down whenever you make advances toward that. At one point if it doesn't come back in the future you will have to have a talk with him. Don't hide your feelings just to keep him happy you have to be happy too.

I would give him a week, two weeks at the most and if nothing happens then I would ask him if the two of you could talk and ask him if he isn't attracted to you in that way anymore and explain to him how you feel about not being intimate with him. You HAVE to consider your feelings too that is a must and if something is hurting you then you have to get those feelings out.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: He is 'kids free' all week until Friday. That's when he's taking the kids on a vacation for about a week.
I don't want to ask yet-after our talk, and 'readjustment' in our relationship. Let the dust settle, I guess. I am a little leary about making an advance yet. I don't want to push him away.
We had fun at the party yesterday. It would have been wonderful if he came in and we could have made love. It's frustrating for me; but, I will take your advice, and wait.
So, if nothing happens,in this upcoming week, I will have to wait until he's back, and we have an opportunity to be alone.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Since you had such a nice time then don't push the issues maybe wait until after their vacation you also don't want to ruin his vacation with his children that will only make you seem selfish and uncaring of his time with his children. When he comes back from vacation and you both have some alone time together maybe try setting up a nice romantic dinner and see what happens and if that doesn't work then I would talk to him about things and the way you are feeling.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: thanks-I will do that. I'll stay in touch. You have been incredible helpful!
I hate to bother my girlfriends about this stuff...and, they are married (or almost).
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
hi Kimberly:
it has been difficult, but I am trying to stay positive and keep my hopes up. The weekend, friday nite, leaving the car running, saturday nite, leaving the car running...with no more than a good nite kiss; HE called Sunday and again Sun. nite to say goodnite. HE texted me from work Monday, HE called on the way home from work(talked for a half hour) HE called last night for around 15 min. to say goodnite.
He is going to help me move all the props I've made for the summer musical from a school down the road to the church where the performance will be. And, I said 'maybe we could spend some time together when we are done'.
I am wondering what will happen between us. and how it will feel...the more time I am away from him, the more questions I have in my mind about where we are going.
I want to, but feel like it's not time (yet) to talk about how I feel-or maybe I should.
*things like not feeling comfortable to come to his house anymore, not knowing if it's okay to suggest things to do together, the intimacy issue, etc.
If I make a move on him and he turns me down, I will be crushed-is it too soon for that?
We were having sex on average 4 or 5x a month before this, and I usually initate it....
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

No it's not time yet don't push too hard or you will only push him even further away. He is going through something right now and I don't think it has anything to do with you I think it is him he has issues he needs to work on and I think he knows in order to be any good for you he has to work on himself. I would allow him to help you move the props and see how that goes; did he ever answer you about spending some time afterwards? If he does then I would tell him that you have missed him so much and that you've missed the intimacy but whenever he ready for that you will be patient this way you are letting him know how you feel and at the same time giving him his space still, it doesn't hurt to let him know that you are still sexually attracted to him without having to throw yourself at him. Just remember that love conquers all the good and the bad and the fact that he is calling you and making an effort to stay in touch keep positive it will all be worth it in the end.

You just got used to having him around and being intimate with him and when he stopped doing all of that you got scared that the relationship was over when it really isn't he just asked you to be patient while he worked on what he had to work on. Have you ever asked him what he was going through and if you could him? It could be something you could work on together and he will see that you will stick by him through thick or thin.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Yes, he agreed with me that it would be nice to spend some time together after we were done tonight. So, no pushing;let him know how I feel; about being patient and waiting. I just don't want this to fade away...
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

The worse part for you right now is the not knowing. Your afraid that one day he may come to you and tell you that he no longer wants to see you but I don't see that happening I think he has issues that has to deal with on his own, his children, work pressures, not having enough time in the day to do everything he may have been feeling ran down trying to juggle everything, just be patient and if you sense anything from him that tells you to make your move then do it but don't push it. Tell him your fears and that you don't want to lose him this way he knows that you truly care about him and his life and well being.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thanks again.
Patience, honesty.
I will know more when we are together tonite...
I feel so strongly for him; I have told him that before. I hope this will all smooth out in the RIGHT direction!
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Let me know how everything goes and remember I am here for you as long as you need me to be. Don't think about the future think about the right her and right now and cherish every moment you have with him.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thanks again.
I'll let you know more tomorrow...
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Kimberly:
Props were moved in the nick of time last night before the full run through of the show.
When I got to his house, he was outside watching an incredible lightning display; a brief kiss and hug.
Went inside, to wait for him a few minutes, and everything seemed the same. Moved the props, watched a little rehearsal, then went to his house for a little more than an hour. I asked if he wanted to come here, or his house (we live about 2 min. away from each other). He said his house.
So, we watched tv for that time, he put his hand on my leg, we kissed (a little/my initiation), nothing big. I had to pick up my son from rehearsal at 10, so he walked me out.
I asked if I'd be able to see him again before he left on vacation and he seemed a little surprised, and said, 'well, yea!'.
Anyway, my feelings are okay right now. The intimacy IS such an important link for me, but, I am willing to sit back for awhile and see what happens. I really want to talk to him about being spontaneous...not HAVING to sleep overnite to have intimacy...that's all that's happened so far. It's never just happened. I want to let him know that, and I'm not sure if I should just tell him, or risk being turned down if I make a move...sigh.
I'm willing to see what happens this week, and then after he returns, hopefully it'll clear up(I'm praying)
Any helpful hints?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Maxamiilion62,

I would really wait until after he comes back from vacation to talk about your intimacy issues this way he will have relaxed and perhaps thought about things a little more and realized what is important in life. He will be refreshed and energized. Then I would plan a night to get together with him and then talk about things and tell him how you feel about him and the situation at hand and ask him about being more spontaneous. Tell him you are very attracted to him and be honest about your true feelings. Just be careful about how much you say to him too soon make it a gradual thing. Just wait to see how his vacation went and remember to ask him how it went and don't pile everything up on him at once. You never know he could go on vacation and come back and everything just fall into place only talk to him if things have not changed at all.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi Kimberly:
I've been kinda 'out of it' the last day or so. I'm going through so many mixed emotions. Most of which are that I am not needed or wanted by him anymore,
I am trying really hard to remember what you said; that this is going to be a trying time for me. It's even hard for me to focus on any 'positives' at all.
I guess I need to do what one of my friends told me; be myself...stay busy and try to know he IS interested, but it's really hard.
Just dating and NOT a big part of each others lives. But, at 47, I want more than 'dating'.He knows that already.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

Your mixed emotions are understandable because you don't know where you are in his life and you want desperately for him to tell you where things are going but the point is he may not even know that yet. Your friend is right keep yourself busy during the time he is away on vacation surround yourself with friends and get out while he is gone even if you don't feel like being around people because if you just hide within yourself all you will do is think about him and how things are up in the air with him right now. Maybe you could try asking to him think about the way things are now and what he wants out of the relationship and how far he wants it to go, if you feel comfortable saying that right before he goes on vacation but I would say to you to wait like we discussed until after the vacation and then talk to him this way he doesn't feel pressured and feel backed into a corner.

The good thing about all of this he still show interest so don't think negatively about this or all you will see is negative things that may not be negative at all. It may sound confusing but in the long run this will all be worth it of the two if you were meant to be everything will fall into place but aren't the best things worth the wait? This will be the hardest week you will ever have to face but just think it's only seven days compared to a lifetime of possibly spending with the man of your dreams, you just have to consume yourself with things and work and friends. Also beside your friend you will have me to come to if you need me I am here for you as long as you need me to be and are satisfied with my answers.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi Kimberly:
He called afterwork last night. I was very busy with rehearsal stuff, a golf class, etc.
I asked what his plans were for the night, he told me, and yada yada... He told me he was meeting a buddy of his to golf @ 10:00a.m. and he thought we could meet for lunch.(today)

He said this woman he used to carpool with was coming over (they used to work together); haven't seen each other in awhile. Just to catch up. Seemed completely innocent, I thought no biggie. He wasn't sure if she was coming over,so we said goodbye,and he knew I would have liked to see him.

Got another phone call when he was on his way to a small bar in town to meet with her.(9:15)I was on my way back into rehearsal.

We (kids and I) got back around 10:30, and a phone call came through from him at 11:00 on his way home. Just telling me about what they talked about, etc. Her daughter was there also, and so on (so it WAS innocent).

He is staying in continual contact with me without my calling him. Everyday this week at least 2x sometimes more he's calling. I hope that's a positive sign. I am praying he's just regrouping 'us' in his mind, and things will be okay.

It has been very difficult for me so far. I have almost felt like he doesn't want to be with me; but I beginning to understand more of how he ticks-it's on his call being together-not mine. I'm okay with it now, but, I'll have to talk about it gradually to him (somehow). When he returns from vacation, I'm planning on that Saturday nite. We are going to the show, I will arrange a romantic dinner (maybe out or at my place), and try to be confident. And pray the intimacy will return.
I'm feeling really weak without it; like I'm not needed....
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Just try to make sure that in your moment of weakness you don't do anything that is possibly going to mess things up with this guy. Like we talked about yesterday try to do things that keep you busy and it looks like you are doing a good job of keeping busy so far just keep it up until he gets back but you definitely have to tell him all that you are feeling eventually like I said make is a process don't pile everything on him at once. Although you are considering his feeling don't forget about yours also if you feel you need to tell him do it when you are ready and about the intimacy you need to tell him you are feeling unwanted when he comes home. Something has to give in this relationship or it won't last much longer he has to know how you are feeling and what you need and want. This is not a one sided relationship you have needs and wants also remember that and don't lose yourself in him and in trying to make him happy you have to be happy also.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Morning Kimberly:
Met for lunch (quick)- asked if I'd see him before they left, and he said 'why don't you come over tonite'.
He called, (not me)around 6:15, and said he was heading home (son @ party), and I could come over at 6:30. I said I wanted to workout and eat, stop by rehearsal for a couple minutes, then I would come by around 8:00.
He does that to me ALL the time-all of his 'stuff' first, then me, so, I thought I'd give it a try so maybe I don't look so 'ready' all the time....
So, I went over, we talked a little, watched tv a little, and I had to go to pick up my kids at 10.
When he walked me out, we kissed, he gave me his house key (to check on things while he's gone), and hugs,etc. I made sure not to say anything like I'd miss him, blah blah. That's CERTAINLY not what's needed now! I told him I'd be thinking of him, and hope he had fun, etc.
this week has been a really hard one for me.
I have 'pulled out' of the infatuation part of the relationship; I am more confident about being able to tell him how I feel when he returns. I want him to know how I am attracted to him and how important the intimacy is to me, and hope he feels the same.
He just seems like the kind of guy that won't do anything, unless he is led (the intimacy part). We are in the next 'level' of the relationship now. I am not feeling the insecurities as much. But, want him to know my needs and feelings.
So, I'll see if I get the daily phone calls while he's on the vacation ...he's already txtd to let me know when they left. It's aXXXXX So, hopefully the drive and the week away will be what the dr.' ordered. Time to think about how important I am to him. or, maybe I'm not...
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

Exactly it's time for him to decide what he wants and stop keeping in you in the dark. When you talk to him tell him that you want him to initiate intimacy more and that you want to feel needed and wanted by him. You sound alot more confident too like you are becoming stronger instead of letting this get you down and make you weaker that is good because you are going to need all that strength to keep strong and tell him what you want from this relationship.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thanks, Kimberly
I will use my time this week to become stronger and think about the things that make me who I am, and pray he wants me in his life.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

Maxamillin62,

Keep me posted and remember don't hesitate to come to me if you need me.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi kimberly;
Just wanted to update you, and, get a little confidence today.
Charlie has been away since Saturday, and has been staying in touch until yesterday. (No call)
He called sunday nite and we had a nice long talk.
Anyway, I txted him early yesterday morning, and didn't hear anythinga at all back from him. I am REALLY ok with that; although he has NEVER gone a day without calling me, the whole time we've dated, he is with his kids in FULL parent mode. His brother is with them, but he's single and a very submissive person.
I wanted to ask your advice about maybe calling him tonite if he doesn't call me.
After last july 4th, wkend, I am prety leary about being the one to step ahead. I know it's stupid, but, I am still a little insecure.
what do you think?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

If you do not hear from him at all today I would either call or text him tonight and just make small talk nothing serious, tell him you were just checking to how thing are going with vacation. It is weird that in all of the time you have been dating that yesterday he did not call but after all he is with his children and they may be keeping him busy or maybe his brother told him not to talk that he was on vacation I wouldn't read too much into it unless it happens again today then I would take the imitative and call or text him. He may have just got busy with the children and then was too tired to call you. Just think of it this way he only has a week to spend with his children so maybe he just wanted to make the best of it and also have time to think about your relationship and where he wants it to go which is what you wanted. Give him most of today and if he doesn't call by 7pm call him and tell him you wanted to see how his vacation was going.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Okay, I really think he was too tired, and they are on eastern time...I'm central-he probably thought it was too late. The night before he called @11 here, and asked if I was asleep yet(I wasn't) AND he knew we were up for a live tv broadcast we had to be ready for @ 6 a.m. yesterday morning.
I will wait till tonite maybe around 9ish here; that's 10 eastern/they won't be out that late, the kids are too young(he's REALLY responsible)

it's a plan...thanks.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

You're welcome, let me know it goes tonight.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi Kimberly:
Yesterday, I txtd him mid afternoon, just to tell him I went by his house, and was thinking of him, and he txtd back w/in an hour w/just a 'thanks'.
I tried to call around 9:00(my time), and he didn't answer, so I didn't leave a msg.
I was completely tormented whether or not to call again! Got back from rehearsal around 10:30(11:30 where he is), literally pacing wondering whether I should call him, and he called me (whew!) I think if I called him it would push a little too much.
We talked for about half hour;we talked about his vacation and what he and the kids were doing THEN me and my new job, the show, etc. (I planned on that order) I asked him about the moon on the ocean...tried to steer the conversation away from "stuff", we talked about how beautiful the moon was last night, and the mountains-he went to college in Colorado, I grew up in the Catskill mtns. in NY. and how much we love the mountains. I told him how I would love to take him to NY someday, and he agreed.
He told me the kids will be going to the show w/us Sat. nite (it was an issue, because it's not his time-it's the "x's"), so I am assuming he will drop them back w/their mom after the show-that's my hope; I'll have to find out.
They'll be back late thurs. nite, I will wait for him to call me on Friday, and hopefully will see him that nite. I am praying the intimacy issue will naturally fall back into place; if it's uncomfortable, I'll go for the 'atmosphere' on Saturday nite-hopefully we'll reconnect.
If it doesn't, I guess I'll have to gradually start to talk about it.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

When he comes back make sure you tell him how much you've missed him and are glad he is home he will feel appreciated and wanted. You may need to try making a little intimacy gestures this may let him know what you want but you may be surprised he may want it also after being away for a week. If he doesn't give in then you can try Saturday and if that doesn't work you are going to have to talk about it and tell him how important that part of a relationship is to you. The stresses he is dealing with the children, work, your relationship can make him not perform up to par so take that into consideration but he should be rested and stress free when he comes home unless he is tired from the trip. I hope for your sake that things fall into place this has to be stressful on you.

 

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Kimberly:
He is home. I had to txt him to see if he had left, he returned the txt and told me they had just left....nothing all day-I was trying the'whatever' approach in my mind. It was super crazy busy with opening night. Sat down in my seat to see the show, and he had txted 'tell alec to 'break a leg'' 10 min. to show time. I thought that was sweet.
Took the kids out afterwards, and around 10:30, I was wondering if he was home, so I txted him and he was just getting in. Said (txtd) nite and that was it.
Tonite, a friend of his is playing at a little place on the river (accoustic guitar)-is it okay for me to invite him to go? Then maybe a walk along the river...and...
I think I should wait for him to call me today. But, is it okay for me to call if I haven't heard from him by this afternoon? I REALLY want to start new with him after I have had so much time to think this week.
I really think I may have thought 'we' were too much too soon....but, the signs from him were always he was in it too; ofcourse, until july 4th wkend.
Now, I want to make it work so badly, I want him to come to me and want to be with me.....
Let me know what your thoughts are.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Give him until about 2 or 3pm then I would call or text him and ask him about the concert tonight and the walk along the river but if he turns you down don't get too upset after all he just got home from a long road trip and may be tired be understanding if he says not tonight but stay positive when you talk to him, let him know that no matter what you are on his side. Don't give up hope on him most things worth having are worth the wait! Remember give him until at least this afternoon and talk to him about the concert. Maybe if you stay at his pace you both will appreciate each other so much more but if the intimacy is still not there then talk to him like we discussed but still tell him how you are feeling about him and the situation be honest and don't hold anything back but if he says he wants to take things slow try that approach also.

A walk along the river would be a romantic gesture and may set the mood to get intimate so if he says no to the concert and the walk plan dinner and the walk for another night when he has had time to rest up from the trip this way he will be more open to thing you suggest.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
We were together tonight, he took me out to dinner, then back to his house. It was so nice being together.
but, I tried at least 3 times to initiate something intimate, and, nothing. I even wore a really sexy top. :( the most I got were hugs and kisses. It is SO frustrating! We had this..., and it seems like it was so long ago.
I am afraid to bring it up yet. I'll see what happens tomorrow(we'll be together)

I finally said 'I guess I'll go home' and he walked me out...I am really sad, the beginning of a relationship should be exciting and spontaneous!! and ?!? frustrating!!!

I know I need to be patient, and then talk to him; I just need to feel like the time is right to tell him how I feel.

He did look really tired tonight. But I would have loved to just sleep with him...

but I want HIM to ask ME
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

He seems too reserved to just come out and ask you to stay the night, I don't think that would have happened from what you have told me about him he doesn't like to be too forward so maybe you are going to have to be the one to be forward. You may also have to initiate intimacy with him and keep it going just because he is not doing it doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend the night with you. What you could do is next time you have the opportunity ask him if you could spend the night and tell him you don't have to do anything I just want to lay with you this too could initiate intimacy, you could be subtle yet forward. These are things you want so you have to go get them. Don't wait for him to make those moves or they may never happen until you get up the courage to tell him how you feel and what you want you are going to have to be the go getter.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
okay: I think you are hitting the nail on the head. he IS very reserved...if I think back to some of the nights he has spent the night here or I had stayed with him I was the one to say something! ! It's just dawned on me. Even when we were on a 'regular' schedule during the school year...it was me.
So, now after he dropped the bomb (july 4th), it really threw me back. And, I've been waiting for him to make a move-it's not happening.
Tonite, we are going to the show-picking up his kids on the way dropping them off on after-I have been invited to the directors party after the show. I'd like him to go with me. So, I guess it is time for me to tell him I want to spend the night-or he could stay with me; I just want to be together and then it might be alot easier for me to explain my feelings to him.
He's rested from his trip AND we are both w/o kids tonite (and tomorrow) maybe we'll be together both nights.
The whole thing is me, I guess. I need to break the ice that's formed, huh?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

It isn't you it's just that you were dealt a blow when he said he wanted to take things slower and now you don't know what to do and what not to do and you don't want to lose him so you are feeling a tiny bit insecure but it's time for you to think about you and not everyone else you have needs too and the only way you are going to get those needs met is to initiate them after all he is a man and if he doesn't give you that affection back when you show it then you have something to worry about but he has been showing you affection so maybe you are reading too much into his actions where as before you were more confident and could show your feelings a lot easier. He may just want to be sure you are the one before giving himself to you or maybe he is afraid that if he does initiate he will do something wrong and that will turn you off but you won't know the answer to your questions if you do not ask him so don't be afraid just think of it as just another hurdle you have to get over to win your man.

Make these two night or one of these two nishgts your chance to initiate intimacy, really show him that you want this as much as he does this way he may feel more laid back too.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thanks, Kimberly:
I will-I'm picking him up in a little bit to do some 'errands' then we'll be together tonite. Maybe I'll just ask him this afternoon....I'll just say...'I want to stay with you tonite.' What can he say? I need to push him a little bit (it just feels like ALOT right now).
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer


I think you should wait until tonight you don't want to scare him off for the date tonight make it kind of a spontaneous question like in the heat of the moment if you ask him this afternoon you are giving him time to change his mind. Don't do it while you are running errands that isn't very romantic you want a romantic atmosphere. Good luck!

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
hi kimberly;
i didn't see your answer! we did all our stuff together, said goodbyes, and what time for tonight.
About 2 hours later, I txtd him saying 'i want to stay with you tonite. i miss that closeness we share'.
he hasn't sent a reply ; but, i don't expect one back. That's just the way he is. Sometimes, I would, but not very often....I will go into tonite being CONFIDENT. I know he loves to be with me.....he said he'd like to go to the party with me (I asked that in person :))
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

That is a good sign that he finally accepted an invitation, hopefully he agrees to spend time with you after the party and the two of you can reconnect. Let me know how it goes.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thanks-i'll keep you posted. Any last few words of advice?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Just don't get nervous remember this is something you want more than anything, so just stay positive and hope for the best maybe a little pray before you go will help you to keep a positive frame of mind. Show affection but don't be clingy or overbearing allow him to make some moves towards affection if possible if he doesn't do that do little things like smile from across the room. when walking either hold his hand or arm and arm. Tell him how glad you are that he could come this will make him feel important to you. Good Luck!

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thanks again:)
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

You're so welcome and I hope things go the way you hope they will. Keep me posted!

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
SOS----

Kimberly: he must have just read the txt: he said"I understand, but as I said earlier I'm not comfortable with that right now. sorry"

help! I feel so awful.
I guess he's referring to the night he turned me down. And, he never actually said that to me!
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

What did he mean by that did he mean he wasn't comfortable with you staying at his house?

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I'm thinking just means staying the night in general. :( I told you he never SAID it, though
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Just play it cool for tonight go to the party and have a nice time and enjoy his company and possibly spend time with him tomorrow but after that it's time to find out where you stand as far as he is concerned you deserve to have that much so you don't keep putting all of this effort into a relationship that may not happen. Something is going on with him and it is important that you find out what it is. Is it possible for him to be seeing someone else? Does he suffer from depression for some reason? He is so hot and cold that it's hard to read him. Just enjoy the time together tonight and tomorrow and then you need to start asking questions about his feeling and tell him how you feel about the situation.

By Monday I think you need to be ready with the questions you want to ask him and what you want to say exactly. Ask him if he even wants to continue seeing you, it's just so hard to figure him out because all I know about him is what you tell me and he seems like a very confused man that doesn't know what he wants when he wants it and who it is he wants.

Go tonight and enjoy yourself and don't let him see that it bothered you what he said but after Monday it's time to start getting your answers so that you know what your next step will be, if you show him that you are upset with him he will only closed down on you wand you don't that to happen, I know you are upset but don't let it show.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I'm ready to break open!! He never clearly communicated this to me. I will ask him if there's anyone else in his life. if he says'no', i'll just ask what the problem is...I am going to have a REALLY hard time tonite NOT talking about it when we are alone....I thought we were on the road to recovery, and, I'm in the fog. Just the thought of looking for someone else is a nightmare!
Why was he so relaxed and willing for the intimacy all along, then this? By him pulling away 7/4, he told me we were together too much, wanted the few daily txts to stop(he txtd me everymorning), together too much, etc. he wanted to slow down to a couple times a week. I didn't have a clue he meant stop. This is so hard!
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

He really didn't say stop he said he isn't ready for that right now but you cannot make tonight about letting your anger out this will make him shut down when you are alone just tell him that it hurts you that you cannot be intimate with him it makes you feel as though he doesn't want you but I really wouldn't do that tonight it's suppose to be about having a good time if you confront him tonight he may shut down permanently and you don't want that but you also have to find out why he had such an about face too. Try to put your best face on just for tonight and then if you feel like when you are alone you want to confront him about what he said do so but don't put a damper on the party, remember you asked him to go and if you take him to the party only to unleash on him this won't be good for the relationship. It's almost as if he is treating your relationship as friends and not as if you were his girlfriend. Ask him about that also when the time is right.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
That's what I'm afraid of...he has other 'girl' friends that are attached to men. He always told me it was important to be best friends.....I beleive that also, but I need the intimacy. I will (if it works talk to him sometime tomorrow/tomorrow night. And just be blunt with him.
I'm not looking to run to the altar, but, I want and NEED and adult intimate relationship without questions.
i NEED to be the 'actress' tonite. Just act perfectly wonderful and proud to be with him/make him feel important. As HE should- I'm the one that is the properties manager, member of the directorial staff, etc. HE should be proud to be with ME
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Tell him that about the altar and adult intimacy exactly the way you said it to me he needs to hear that because that may be what he is thinking you want the ring the white house with the picket fence let him know that you aren't rushing to get married just have an intimate relationship with him. Tell him you don't feel important to him at all. You can not continue to try to make him happy at the expense of your happiness too there has to be give and take and it seems like you are the one giving, giving, giving. The question is what is your next step if all he wants is friendship or doesn't want an intimate relationship with you? Let's just see how the part goes and take it from there.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i guess, then I bow out...
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

It really depends on what he says so don't think negative already just get what you want to say out and listen to what he says and make your decision from there. If you need help thinking of something to say and ask let me know we can work on it together.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I said I would have never said that this afternoon if he was clear about how he felt.
He said ok and blah. blah... we had a nice time, he came in (I didn't ask, he said he would) nothing happened but talking.
I feel lonely and empty and wonder why he doesn't want to be with me...
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

You need to ask him that and ask where your relationship is at, are you friends or more than friends or what. I don't think you should wait at all because you are getting more and more frustrated everytime you talk to him and he needs to let you in on what he wants and how he feels about you so that you can make the decision to move on or stay and I really don't think he wants to lose you and that is why he leaves you in limbo but you have to take back your control and sitting him down and asking the questions you want to know will help you do that. Consider your feels for once no one else will do that but you and you have to stick up for yourself. You really need to ask him why he has cut off the intimacy all together and tell him in your eyes that means you guys are just friends and see what he says to that.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Kimberly:
I have been starting to write down my thoughts this morning, and organize what I am going to say to him. I will, if he doesn't call first and ask to see me, call him and get together tonite.
Some of the things I will talk about are:
*not wanting marriage-but looking for an adult intimate relationship that has spontenaity(sp).
*how intimacy is important to me to feel needed.
*how much of 'me' does he want in the relationship.
*realize I hit it too hard before, and over the last 2 wks. had alot of time to think about what I want from the relationship: that's reciprocity:I want to feel like he needs me in his life too.
*realize he needs his space, but don't want to feel uncomfortable when I want to call or see him-I should feel no inhibitions when I want to connect with him-not worry if it's okay to call, etc.

any other suggestions will help me right now...
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Sounds good don't forget to ask him why he doesn't find you attractive enough to show you that he cares about you and is this a friendship thing or does he just need time to think about what he wants the relationship to be. Tell him you haven't felt wanted by him and that you need that and it's important to you don't just talk about the intimacy because that is not the only problem you have to first find out if he even wants a relationship with you so make that your first priority put that at the top of the list because what use will talking about intimacy be if he only wants friendship from you, not saying that is what he wants just saying it could be. Also talk about the fact that you don't only want intimacy in a sexual way you want to be able to spend the night and the two of your just lay together. Tell him that he went from being intimate to nothing at all and it made you very confused and lonely, and hopefully you will get your answers. Also ask him if he is interested in someone else just throw it out there real quick it should be a yes or no answer unless it's complicated.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
he has already told me he wants to continue seeing me seriously/that july 4th wkend. that was after I brought it up-that we are continuing to see each other seriously. I will try to guide the conversation to how he sees the relationship going....will it grow into an intimate one? will it just spin into nothingness....'hanging out' together. nothing else.and his reasoning for cutting off the intimacy.
and then tell him how I feel and see the relationship. The emptiness I feel without intimacy-worrying about what will happen next, being uncomfortable to call him, and all of that.
I'd like him to just be able to focus on what I am saying, and don't know if I should have him here, or go to his house to talk though.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

It doesn't really matter where you have it as long as it isn't a public place because there could be distractions that can throw him off the topics. Make sure when you say how you feel that you make eye contact and don't hold back your feelings, if you feel like crying do so but make sure you don't lose eye contact this way he knows that you are totally serious about what you are talking about if you put your head down and look away he will not take what you are saying seriously and you want to get your point across. Make you sure start off giving him a hug this will relax him so that he isn't uptight right from the start. When you tell him how you feel about him take his hand or touch it momentarily showing affection but still getting to the point. Don't change subjects to your next point without hearing his side of it or he will think that the conversation or discussion is one sided and will lose interested and think that you are not considering his feelings in the discussion. I hope all goes well for you and let me know how you make out.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Just got back from the show and am unloading all the 'stuff' we collected over the weeks and putting it away. I have thought probably 6 times over the last half hour I should call him and tell him I'm out of the show...
He txted me 1st this morning saying good morning and luck with the last show. Then he was mowing his lawn (12:15). I wrote back saying have a good day and I wanted to see him tonite, and to call me later. should I call him now? or wait a little while.
If I call and say let's get together and he agrees, I'm fine. But if he says he doesn't want to get together, I'll say I have some things I have to talk to him about...
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Yes call him and tell him you need to talk about some things and can you meet with him tonight to talk. If he says not tonight tell him it's very important that you talk to him without telling him what you want to talk about and then ask him the things you wanted to ask and after your talk you will better know what you need to do or think about what you next move will be.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
This is going to have to happen; for all of the reasons you have said. I need to know what he wants from the relationship, where he thinks it's going,etc. and try to get to the bottom of the 'shut down' on the intimacy issue.
Also I will tell him how I feel and where I stand.
AND most importantly, the value of time-and taking the time to realize that I am on his side.And how much he means to me-and just be strong about telling him i'm not running to the altar by any means; I want an adult intimate relationship.
He just called-on his way to workout-just finished golfing. I said let's get together tonite, and, honestly was waiting for him to decline and he said yes, he hadn't eaten dinner yet, and he was thinking we could eat together. He seems MUCH softer and more willing than he did prior to his vacation.
Anyway, now I have to gather my courage, and thoughts, and I guess I will talk to him after dinner. Put some music on, sit on the couch eye to eye- hold his hands and just be honest.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Yes it's time for you to have some answer because you have been really stressed out about this and it isn't fair to you seeing you did nothing to warrant him doing and saying what has said about the relationship I think it's because he is afraid to let someone completely in again and it may stem from his relationship with the childrens mother perhaps? Just find out what his intentions are as far as the relationship and most importantly the not having intimacy.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thanks- I try to get the most information I can. and let him know I don't want to scare him away that I just need to know more details to understand if we have a future, or not.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
he just left-we had a nice dinner together(I had the music and candles going) very relaxed atmosphere. when he said he was ready to leave (work tomorrow) I led him to the couch and said not yet, I want to talk a little, I promis it won't take long.
I started with telling him how strongly I feel for him (xoxox) and then went on to how I have lots of questions in my mind and so many uncertainties. I said how i was confused about the intimacy being gone...
it led to him telling me he is struggling with just being alone and not. He mentioned the overpossesiveness (I was up until 7/4) and how he couldn't take that.
i said how i learned from that...i am new at the whole relationship thing, and I thought through my insecurities, I wanted to be with or know what he was doing 24/7. ANd I have learned by all of my time to think in the last 2wks that I have changed and am beyond that. I did apologize for behaving that way, and did tell him it was due to my insecurities.
I went on to say how lonely and empty I am when I am alone-then added later when he commented on 'just by yourself' and I said i think of being with him often. It could be when I am with the kids, or even at a stop light. And added how I have grown in the last couple of weeks to understand his need for being alone. and respect that.
I said the intimacy thing is just gone? (in so many words) and he said he is struggling with alot of things right now. one of them being whether he wants someone in his life...his need to be alone, etc. I told him how strongly I feel for him-how deep in my heart it is, and told him I need to hear how he feels for me...he said he also has very strong feelings for me.
then we talked about the fact that he could have quickly and easily dumped my 7/4. Because of what happened to that point, but he didn't; and that's a really good thing; means I am important.
I told him I'm not running to the aisle nor looking to make him feel pressured or backed into a corner.just wanted to know where we stood, And that I'll hope the intimacy will start back as soon as he feels okay with it.I said how important it is to me and how greatly I miss it, even to just fall asleep with him....and hope it will return.

So, all in all, I feel like I got my questions answered the frustrations seem better. Now, I guess it's a waiting game, or, pray for the opportunity for initiate again praying it will stir th emotions, and that will rekindle soon. i hope it won't be long....
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Very good signs he asnwered all of you question adn it seems as though you have a better understanding of what he meant when he said you need to take it slower. Also good that he still wants you in his life this means he still thinks of you as his girlfriend and wants to continue in this way. You have to learn to be patient or it will only drive you crazy and stress you out, Just cherish the fact that you still have him in your life and he still wants to spend time with you and cals you pretty regularly. Try to keep positive even when you are feeling unsure about things.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
So, now I feel like i am through the fog, and know exactly where he is. He cares deeply for me, but still needs alot of 'charlie time'; which, he has CERTAINLY had the last few weeks.
After he returned from vacation, I waited-HE called asked me to dinner; saturday HE said we should go together-sat. night, HE came in for awhile, and yesterday,he was the one to call and arrange things for last night.
So, that's everyday since he's been back home. And I have not suggested much of anything.
I am so happy that he does want me in his life, now have to be patient, and hope the time will arise that he's okay with the personal issues.
The only thing I didn't say was that I hoped he didn't equate intimacy with the over the top everyday 24/7 pattern I fell into before. I won't talk about it yet, but soon because I need to clear that up in my head and more importantly, his head. If we finally rekindle the intimacy, I don't want him to think it has to be attached to the over possessiveness. I'm over that.
I feel better today, more confident. My mind is more clear, and know this will take time, patience and ALOT of work.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

That's good that you held back on asking him when he thought the intimacy would come back because you don't want to rush it all and you are allowing him to make the move this will give him confidence to do it more often, you're allowing him to be the agressor and the man, he may have felt like you were taking over his man role and wouldn't wait for him to make his move and he needed to get that back, let him have that and things will fall back into place. Patience is a virtue remember that and stay positive! Good luck.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thanks, kimberly:
I know I have to stay positive now; my only fears are that it will fade away, if I let it, but, I really don't think he's gonna let that happen.
He seemed like he's certain he wants me in his life, but on the other hand his confession of the struggles he is experiencing in his life. He did mention right now he can't even picture every being married again. that's when i agreed and told him that I wasn't running to the altar, looking for a ring, etc. that I can't think of being married either, that I'm more importantly looking for someone I can spend the rest of my life with.
His deep blue eyes staring into mine-really made me feel so close to him. I said we have SO many things in common and have so much fun together...that there is a deep connection, and he agreed with all of that.
So, I said, 'guess we just wait to see what happens now'. and he also agreed.
My next step will be to tell him about hoping he doesn't equate the initmacy with the posessiveness. But, after clearing the air last night, I don't think I should do that yet. Maybe toward the end of this week if I find the right moment.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

Maxamillion,

You are thinking somuch more positively then you did last week and that is in part because you both cleared the air and you now know he wants to be with you don't let that go and don't try to change too much too soon. Yes wait until Friday and then talk to him about that but enjoy his company now.and talk later.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Kimberly:
With each day, I think of how much I miss our intimate life. Sometimes I think he doesn't want me anymore, and he's just stretching time. Then, I get mad at myself for thinking that, because Charlie has never seemed like that to me. But, I miss is so much.
I guess I can use this time of limbo to plan on talking to him at the end of this week about it, and tell him I wanted to make sure of his feelings for me, and how much I desire him. And how I want that part of the relationship to be what solidifies our commitment and feelings to each other; without it, it doesn't seem complete.

ugh...I know his feelings for me now, but WHEN will he let me back in?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

You really don't want to seem too pushy after all that is what made him cool off in the first place at the end of the week only talk about the intimacy issue don't talk about committments. He said you were coming on too strong you don't want that to happen again. Just be careful how you word things so that you don't sound too pushy or overbearing.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Okay: you are right I won't use the word 'commitment' at all...not now. I will stay in touch w/you through the week, and maybe you can help me organize (carefully) what to say. I'll try to talk to him fri. or sat. whichever works best....
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Sound like a plan but in the meantime enjoy whatever time you get with him this week and be positive and happy. Even if it kills show him that things will get better between the two of you. and check back and let me know how things are.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thanks-I will try. He has his kids for a little bit tonite, then overnite tomorrow. I'll see if he wants me (us/kids) to get together w/them. That was one thing I ALWAYS suggested early part of the summer/spring. We would get together w/kids for dinner every wed. nite taking turns at his house,mine. So, I won't suggest-not this week....maybe next.
He called afterwork last night, as usual-had a NICE conversation, I know he needs that connection from me. I usually would say, how about stopping by later, or I 'll come by for a little bit-not anymore. I'm waiting for him to lead now.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Kimberly:
Just wanted to say, this month would have been incredibly difficult for me if you weren't there with the advice you have given me. I am the only 'single' one out of my handful of friends, and sometimes, it's hard to rely on their viewpoints; they all have certain views...and, I get really confused .
Right now, I am focused but, empty. He has told me about his feelings, we got the 'marriage' issue out in the open-said he couldn't picture himself and I didn't want that right now either. I just said I'm looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with.
I am fading w/o the intimacy, but won't let go...there's enough good in our relationship that I think it's worth the wait.
He asked if I could take care of his kids all day tomorrow-while he's at work. I agreed and am looking forward to it.
I have had no time with him since sun. night...just talking on the phone frequently.
I am impatiently waiting for when I will see him (well, I KNOW I will tomorrow a.m.). I have suggested nothing all week, trying to keep my head up!
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

That's good that you are trying to stay positive for now that is important to the relationship right now. Possibly you could ask him to get together on a day that you don't have the kids and he doesn't have his children. you're right there is more to a relationship beside the intimacy but that is a good part of a relationship also. What did he say about the intimacy did he give you any hope that this will happen in the near future? You are being supportive which is a plus for you.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
That's what i'll try to focus on when I have the next opportunity to talk about it end of this week.....I would LOVE for him to just give in!
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
he and I both don't have the kids this coming Sunday night. I will hope to bring all of this up then.
I'm starting to feel like he doesn't need me in that way at all. And, I really need him
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Then you need to tell him that and tell him that you need to know if you should move on or wait and ask if he knows how long you will go without intimacy, you need to tell him how important intimacy is to you and how much it makes you feel wanted. I do have to tell you that you don't want this to become common place for him to only have you to hang out with and not to show intimacy with and he may just get use to being without it or not doing that with you. I think he may associate your kind of intimacy with control especially when before you were the one to initiate the intimacy before. Tell him that you want him to initiate and want to be with you intimately. This will tell him that you want him to be in control of some aspects of the relationship. Just talk to him Saturday and see what he has to say about that aspect of the relationship but keep just about the intimacy nothing else like I said this is going to be a slow process of getting every issue you have about the relationship worked out.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
hi kimberly;
saw you were online, and thought I send you my feelings on my 'plan' and see if I could gain a little more confidence.
Since he's returned from vacation last week, he has been the one who has called, and initiated anytime we've spent together. Including tonite; invited me to go to meet friends(w/his kids) for dinner. He made sure to tell me he and his son had to turn in early due to a cub scout outing very early tomorrow. I got,the very clear message.
I'm going to his house at 7 then going to dinner together, dropping his daughter at grandma's then back to Charlie's. I will see what he does when we get back to his house. I will go in for awhile IF he asks; if not I'll say goodnite.
I don't think tonite is a good time to have the talk I've been preparing for. Long week...work...kids...early morning tomorrow, etc.
So, I will hope for another opportunity over the weekend sometime. I will plan it myself if it doesn't naturally happen.
I am getting ready to tell him about how important he is to me and how important our intimacy is in our relationship. I want to let him know it is not attached to any kind of control or overbearing behavior. Just that it is so important for me/to have that with him. Also, I will take the opportunity to let him know I want him to let go and relax....to be able to just initiate whenever the time is...not necessarily an overnite/but that's nice too.
Eventually, if I read this isn't important to him, or if he doesn't feel the same towards me, I will have to start to gently pull away...I need to let him know I'm not okay with just 'hanging out' with him w/no intimacy. I had no intimacy in my 20 yr. marriage. The thought made me nauseous...the verbal abuse was so bad I couldn't let that go for the other. I'd wait to come to bed until he was sleeping.
Now, with charlie it's the opposite. I want to be with him!
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

The fact that he trusts you with his children say ALOT he trusts you to take them to their grandmothers and other places that is not the signs of a man that doesn't want a commitment with you, he wouldn't trust you as much as he does. Yes keep planning to tell him this weekend and see what he says and if you feel the relationship isn't going to go anywhere then slowly pull away if you don't feel you could remain his friend which would be understandingly awkward. The way you've had to live in your marriage is what made you overbearing tell him because you had to go without intimacy for so many years and the fact that it is so important to you stemming from going without for so long. Then he will understand your point as far as intimacy is concerned.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Yesterday was a 'washout'...he left before the sun rose w/son for a boyscout outing that I knew would take the whole day-and they'd maybe return around 7'ish'.
Ended up his car broke down and he called me around 6:30 waiting for the tow truck. Luckily, had another family that was at the outing give him a ride back, AND they ended up loaning him a car until his is ready(it was towed to a shop where it broke down/100mi. from here!)
So, obviously, last night's chance to talk was lost...he called me when they got home AND AGAIN before he went to sleep.
He wants to 'slow down'(it certainly has/it's been 5 wks. since we were intimate). That's easy, but all of the signs are to keep me right where he wants/on his terms/CLOSE.
To be honest, I have no idea when the next opportunity to be alone to talk will be. I am planning on calling him this afternoon if I don't hear from him, and suggest we all go to the movies later/I have ALOT of school work (I'm working on my masters)to do, and some other stuff.
I am evolving-had lunch with a CLOSE friend yesterday, and her advice is very much like yours:he does want the commitment, but-it's my move to tell him about what I want/and that's the relationship with the intimacy; and, if he shows signs that he doesn't want that, it's time to slowly pull back.
Begin to mention maybe starting to find someone else, etc. But I don't want to do that! I am going to be patient and when the kids are back in school(2 wks) we'll be on the same schedule-free on every other weekend, and one night a week-lots of opportunity to rekindle. If THEN it isn't working I will have to think more about it.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

It's your decision whether you want to continue to wait or move on to someone else but I would wait until things got back to normal with school before making such a drastic decision like that but also you have to do what makes you happy and if he isn't making you happy anymore then you may have to opt on seeing other people. He is stressed about the car right now so I would hold off on the talk unless you really think you need to talk to him about it now. If you talk to him while he is stressed it may have negative affect on him and you don't want that. Like you said when school starts back will give you more opportunities to rekindle what you have lost with him and hopefully he will come around.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thanks-that's how I feel right now too. It's not time...i will hang out until we have some solitude and i will see if we 'rekindle'-and if and when will be the time to talk details-I think that's a good plan
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I've been thinking of sending him a card tomorrow(it will be 5 mo. together)and thought in the card, I could carefully word the intimacy thing-smoothly and positively say how much it means to me and how I am attracted to him and hope it will rekindle soon....what are your thoughts?
Last night I stopped at his house (around 10), after I went to a movie-we sat out on his deck, he lives on a lake-beautiful and relaxing. Just caught up on things and talked. When I left I noticed more of the 'connection' or passion in is kisses...but maybe i'm being too hopeful. He said he was happy I came over. :)
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

The card is a good idea but don't harp too much on the intimacy thing just mention it once and then see where it gets you. That's good you sensed passion in his kiss that mean the intimacy may come faster than you thought. May a couple of more deck visit and you will be well on your way to finding each other again. You may also want to plan a couple of romantic dinners and or walks by the river You need some one on one time with him so that the urge can come back. You must also consider that you both have made huge steps these past couple of weeks so give him credit for making an effort to make things better. Also try including the children in some dates also like you have been it will show him that you are great commitment and possibly marriage material! Good Luck and if you are satisfied with my answer please click Accept so that I can get credit for my answers.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hey Kimberly:
I ended up just writing to him today. I was clear, compassionate and got my feelings across in a way that I don't think was too pushy. Here's what it said (talked w/him after work today as usual...didn't think he'd mention it-or reply. But i felt it was good...let me know what you think when you have a minute.


Hey you-



I have to admit, I looked, and looked for an ecard to send you today...(about an hour last night!), and not one completely described what feelings I needed to get across...way too mushy, way too 'x' rated...just nothing got it-nothing would describe what I feel, so, here I am back to just me and my thoughts.



I think we have been through quite a change this month. I have, come to realize the importance of having you in my life AND how to handle it; my insecurities over the first few months faded into a over compulsiveness that I didn't realize was happening until July 4th weekend...when you 'grabbed the reigns'.



My marriage, as you have probably begun to understand, increasingly deteriorated over the last 10(or more if I REALLY think about it)out of 20 years. Absolutely no affection, no support, no 'partnership' the way marriages are supposed to work.The thought of intimacy nauseated me-I could never clear my mind of all of the bad things that were going on-so, came to bed praying he was asleep---add in all of the daily verbal abuse and negativity towards me, the kids,(and max for that matter!),and, there you have it; I sometimes think back and really wonder why I kept hanging on; thinking things would improve....I guess I will never know that part. Just that it was so bad, I finally had the courage to end it.

Over the last two years, I have definitely 'come out of the storm'. Not to sound hokey, or like MINE is the worst case scenario, (I know there are hundreds of people who have and are experiencing the same or worse situations)but I am so grateful I am free of it.

Since I have found you, my life seems like it is full; I feel confident again, and look forward to when I am with you. I have begun and am still trying to understand your need for your individuality(space), respect that, and try to be compassionate towards what you went through in your marriage too.

I am looking forward to continuing to meet each other half way;knowing how quickly life can pass us by, not ever knowing what we've missed... continue to help each other rebuild our individuality and build our partnership at the same time. I pray your feelings for me will be the same I feel for you, and our intimacy will begin to 'rekindle'.

I want you to know the 'sleepover' thing is and never has been a necessity for me(even thought it IS nice!)-I am much more interested in spontaneity-just letting go whenever....Unlike my marriage, I want to be with you intimately; it is an important part of a relationship to me- to feel needed.When you are ready....


(like I said, nothing in response from him, but I really don't expect it)
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Nicely worded and heart felt, just give him time to comprehend exactly what it was that you were trying to say in your letter or email. He will appreciate that you opened your would to him about your marriage and what you went through during that marriage. When you meet someone that makes you complete intimacy is a huge part of that completeness and when you lose that intimacy you start to doubt yourself and the relationship and I think you put that across very well and soften the blow of having to talk about intimacy with him when you see him next ask him what he thought about what you wrote especially if he doesn't mention anything to you first. First allow it to sink in give him a couple of days to think about what you wrote and then ask him his thoughts about the matter.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I will probably see him for a little while tonite(if he doesn't ask, I'll mention it) or tomorrow nite. He is still w/kids until around 9:00p.m.-he won't have time to do his 'workout' or golf it'll be too late, so, I will see.
We talked again last nite,and not a mention from him.
I am hoping for Friday nite together, we are both free. First time in 2 weeks....I won't make a big deal out of it-just ask him to fix dinner together or something, then I'll see what he thought about the email.

silence COULD be good-but, with me it worrisome.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Like I said give him a couple of days then ask him about it, don't worry the old saying "No news is good news" just think of it that way plus the fact that he is still calling you and seems positive so I wouldn't read too much into him not saying anything. Make sure you ask him what he thought about what you said and tell him you want his honest opinion no matter how hard it may be. Allow him to express himself without interruption show him he has your undivided attention.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
just feeling down and kinda insecure tonite.
The longer I am not near/with him the more I think he doesn't want to be with me....
we talked-breifly tonite/missed each other-too late to connect. I said we're both free on friday nite and we should get together, and make dinner, he said: yea, maybe....but he's never been expressive over the phone.
He's just that way...pretty nonexpressive.
I am the one struggling right now....I have to be strong and make it through until our schedules are the same in a couple of wks.
Giving him his space is REALLY hard when I get no reassurance, and on top of it no intimacy-I'll see how the next week or so works out- my kids are gone all of next week, I will have the time....
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Your going to have your ups and downs because although you worked through some things the intimacy thing still bothers you and until you are able to talk to him about that and work that issues out you are always going to feel some type of loneliness, as you said you don't have long before the kids go back to school which will give you more of an opportunity to talk just be patient until you are able to do that.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi Kimberly:
He stopped by for a minute last night...he didn't have to, but did. It was after he hit golf balls and worked out. (normal for Charlie)-I am always AFTER his 'stuff'.
We decided to get together tonite...no plans yet. Any ideas are welcome-part of me wants to plan on a romantic dinner here-then try to intiate intimacy, but part of me is afraid of rejection.
If he DOES reject me, it'll be a perfect stage to ask him what his deal is and what does he see in me; how much of 'me' does he want in this relationship...how long is this going to be, etc.
The other part of me wants to just let it go and wait through the school schedule kicks in....
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am frustrated at waiting now; a big part of me feels like I am nothing to him. He doesn't need me in his life at all. Almost friends (but maybe not even that)-golf, working out and life in general first, then I'm in the background somewhere.
I went over to his house last night to borrow something, and within 5 seconds, he was explaining the grueling workout he'd put himself through. Invited me over tomorrow for a cookout he's having with friends...
I am looking for the right time to confront him with my feelings; I want to ask him where he sees us going. I am tired of wondering and want both of us to put forth the effort it will take to make this an important relationship, or just give up.
I know he has been DEEPLY hurt by his exwife; I know he needs his space; but now I am becoming mad at myself for, first of all giving myself to him and secondly sitting around this long waiting to see what his next move will be.
I need someone to want to be with me, to care and protect me and to have fun with....I know this could work-but right now my vision is VERY dull.-I am going to talk to him sometime this week....my kids left this morning w/their dad on vacation for the week-he's w/o kids thurs-on thru the weekend.
I owe this to myself to get some more answers.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Well with everything you've tried it seems like not much has changed since the first time you came to me so now it is time for you to make some MAJOR decisions in your life and it's time to ask yourself if this man is including in that. It does seem like all he wants right now is friends and he does care about you but right now he just isn't ready for the serious relationship that you want. He probably needs someone that is willing to wait for him to have his healing time from his ex wife and he doesn't want to cheat anyone else and this is why he backed off so much. Right now he cannot give you what you want but are you ready to cut him off completely or will you be able to be his friend until he is ready. You should never waste your time on someone who isn't ready maybe it's time for you to consider going on dates and seeing what is out there. As hard as that may sound it may be necessary since you like intimacy and he is not giving that to you.

If you do not get your answers this week maybe you should spend next week contemplating about what you want and if he is truly ready to give it to you. He may not want to start a serious relationship only to get hurt again and he wants to be absolutely sure that the next woman he picks is in it for the long haul. Maybe you should be honest and tell him that you are thinking about letting go completely if things do not get any better it's time for you to put your foot down since he is dragging his.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Kimberly:
I have finally decided I am going to talk to him tonite. I am planning on being gentle but let him know I need answers at the same time.
I will just start with where he sees our relationship going; in his mind, do we have a future? Or, is he just thinking of me as a friend with a goodnite kiss right now. And then I am planning on just asking him if he wants romantic involvement with me. If he squirms, and say no, I will say it breaks my heart, but how important romantic involvement in a relationship is to me. I had such a horrible marriage, and I feel like that is now a big portion of a relationship to me.
I'll see how the conversation goes from there. I'm not going to set up some special meeting or place, etc. I'm sure he'll call on his way home from work, and I will tell him to come over when he can (probably AFTER his workout, hitting golf balls, etc)-It would even be okay for me to just tell him in the driveway outside his car....I am losing sleep now, and I am starting a new teaching position-working on my master's. I need this out of my head. Last night I couldn't get back to sleep after 3:00a.m.
I'd like to tell him how it seems like he seems happy just being alone...and find out if he's even looking for a serious relationship right now; because I don't feel comfortable around him at his house, or like I'm even an important presence in his life.
I'm done wondering what it is I'm waiting for-maybe NOTHING.

Let's see how he reacts; like I said, I'll just be honest, tell him my feelings (again) and where he feels we are headed. No ultimatums, I just need some answers.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Well, it's a done deal.i went to dinner w/a girlfriend, and I was SO together, organized thoughts and prepared to talk.
He'd called right after work, as usual, cutting out little early to meet the guys for golf. We had a nice talk-he said he'd probably workout after golf; I told him to call, and I'd like for him to stop by on the way home.
txtd him around 9:30 and told him I needed to talk to him to stop in on way home.
9:50, I txtd again and said forget it, nite, can we talk tomorrow?
Called my friend and just started to have a melt down-I didn't want to talk to him-started crying, thought If I was like that, it would be a waste....he tryed to call, 1st cell then home, I had the lights out and just didn't want him to see me like that.
He txtd 'u home?' I said yes, and soon enough he was at the door.
Hugged him @ the door crying for awhile, then sat in the dark on the couch, and started (tryed) to get everything out I wanted to say...I was a mess-sobbing-it all caught up with me...all the waiting and wondering.
Anyway,I asked if he wanted to be romanticly involved w/me -shook his head 'no'; I said, you just don't want a serious rel. now and you just want to be alone.And he said yes -I broke down some more, and said 'I was just another girlfriend now, asked how it ended with the other relationships and stopped him before he could answer. I didn't want to know. They could have all ended the same way.
I told him I know he loves his house and his space and so do I. That I didn't feel comfortable in his house anymore...that it had built up for so long-felt like I'd waited and wondered so long if he was going to come around.
I asked him why he got involved w/me and he said he thought it was going to be a rom. relationship at first, then he decided he just doesn't want a serious one now.
I didn't bring in the kids, or how much I love his family(we went there over m.day wkend to see the 500 they live in Indy-his parents and family are WONDERFUL and made me feel so welcome!)
He said he wanted to stay friends if we could and he was so sorry to hurt me-

I guess what bothers me the most is he didn't have the backbone to tell me 4th of July wkend. when this all started.

I cryed myself to sleep and have been nursing a headache all day.

But, now I know.

I need to get some of my things from his house; even my pillows are over there-do I go while he's there, or not? I have his garage code-I'd call first. what do you think?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Since he has made it clear where things stand I think you should find closure as soon as you possibly can and then get out with friend or keep yourself busy so that it doesn't hurt as much. Have you decided to remain friends with him? Do you think you can do that after all you've gone through with him? It's going to be really hard for you to get over this with all of the emotions you had invested into the relationship but it can be done. I have a feeling he is going to regret doing this one day and it may be too late to fix it. You have to first allow yourself healing time (don't get into another relationship until then) you need to occupy your time as much as possible so that you are not sitting at home pining over him (go out with friend to dinner or the movies or plays). I understand you are upset right now but at least you know where you stand once and for all and you are no longer confused about where the relationship is going,

With everything he has gone through he just doesn't see himself in a committed relationship right now and he doesn't think it's fair to keep leading you on the way he did. It will take you a long time to get over this pain but with help from friends you can do it. You have a lot of love and patience for taking his behavior as long as you did and that trait will make you are great girlfriend and later wife to someone who truly deserves your love. You also have to ask yourself do you want to be friends with him or will it be too much to see him possibly with other women? Would you rather not have him in your life at all or have him in your life as a friend?

Use this time to contemplate what your next move will be as far as your life, you worried about his life and his well being so long that you forgot about what you needed and desired, take some you time and think about what you want in a man and the type of life you want for yourself. Make sure that next time you will think of yourself too and not just your boyfriend, that is a mistake you made you wanted to make him happy so you did things his way and lost yourself in the process.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I suppose it's okay to go on being his friend. that's really all we've been for the last 6 weeks. I just thought it was MUCH more in the process waiting and waiting for when it would rekindle.
In his mind, it was always the same...he was just leading me to believe it could be more, but never verbalized it.
Got the drive home call like clockwork yesterday=even after the night before(I really thought I wouldn't hear from him for awhile). talked about work, school, etc for a few minutes, then I apologized for the 'flood gates' opening the night before. I told him it had built up for so long-wondering and waiting-I had so much going on in my life right now, that I had to know. He said I had nothing to apologize for. nothing else...he just isn't good at communicating feelings OR thinking about what the other person's going through.
I'll see how far he reaches out now. I can't believe he doesn't want me around-being alone is a horrible thing-searching for someone-i know I have to find someone that wants me in his life as much as I want him. romance included.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Yes you owe yourself that much to find someone that is just as passionate intimately as you are and that doesn't run hot and then cold on you. Only make the decision about remaining friend if you think you can handle it if you need time then give yourself that also. You are a great person and the reason I say that is because even though he broke your heart you are still concerned about his feelings also too bad he wasn't that considerate of your feelings also, I don't think he is a bad guy I think he is very confused about what it is that he wants in life and in a partner thanks to his ex. I must say that I really think after time he will realize what he had and if that happens and you decide to give him another chance make sure that the intimacy will be there. You don't really have to be alone though you can keep yourself busy and hang out with friends to help the healing process and you always have me if to help also.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am going to his house sometime this weekend to pick up some of my things.
I really want closure.
I am planning on asking him what his plan was; was he happy w/what we had and planned on letting it continue?
He HAD to know my feelings-I was verbal and open. I was affectionate; he knew I was waiting for him to come around.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

If your going to be able to make a clean break from the relationship you are going to have to pick up all of your things from his apartment if you leave anything over there that is going to make him think that you're lingering on in the relationship as it is now. You can ask him those questions but it's only important if you want closure because he has already said to you that he only wants to be friends so that answers your question of what his plans are. It's important for you to worry about you now. He didn't make you a priority in his life only when he wasn't consumed with everything else golf, working out, friends. Like you said intimacy was important to you and even when you told him this he still wasn't ready to give that to you. It's time to get closure and try to move on or at least get the closure that will help you to get past this chapter in your life.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
went over to his house last night to get my things and return his clubs. It was uncomfortable for me, but seemed the same for him. He was working on a project in the garage and stopped,put a new grip on one of the clubs for me-let me use them-I went inside to get my pillows and one other thing. and put them in my car; it was all surface level-until he just kind of looked at me and said "what" .
I felt like I was gonna cry and said I had to use his r.room. he went inside w/me, I was holding the tears back in the bathroom, gained my composure, and said I was going to leave. so a hug and I did.
But, I drove around the neighborhood and came back. he met me half way in the driveway and I said, 'so, is this it? are we done?' . He nodded yes. I said do you want to talk about it? He hesitated and said that we could (I should have made him explain, but didn't). I said 'is it me?' he said no-I said 'just what you are going through?' and he nodded again. that was it.
It KILLS me to think he still can't communicate and is just letting me go. I thought we were a couple for so long, and all this time we weren't in his mind, he just didn't say so.

now I know-heart is aching-and I want an explanation; but that is it.

I emailed him to explain more of my feelings, and told him if I don't answer his calls in the next week or so, it's because I just can't separate my feelings for him right now to just be 'buddy's'. It was a really good email about what we had and how hard it is to find someone you connect with, about him still being affected by his marriage, and how everyone hurts. I am here for him...
We'll see if I get any response from that.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

No contact may be needed for a little bit of time just so that you can let your wounds heal. It's going to take quite a bit of time for you to get through this heartache. You really should ask the questions you want to ask so that you can have closure. If you don't get closure you will only keep wondering and will never be able to get past it and be his friend. I think being his friend right now will be a constant torment for you and this is why I said you need quite some times to get over the hurt in order to separate friendship from relationship.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I did. I bluntly asked if it was over and he nodded yes.
I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he said, 'we could' but I ignored it.
Asked if it was me, 'no'
and if it was just what he had to get thru,'yes'
that was it
I emailed him to explain things from my heart, and that I wouldn't be answering his calls for awhile because i need time to get over everything and recover.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

I think you should take as long as you need to be able to look at him and not be broken hearted all the time and it may never happen where you can look at him and wonder why so bow it's time for you to really think about whether you can do the just friend relationship and not feel like you want to be with him romantically. Now all you can do is give yourself time.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I'm starting to have feelings that I over-reacted to everything... how will I handle this from here? I guess just waiting and giving my self time to heal, like you said. I had such a strong feeling of connection to him...he was a deep, and true friend. I am already missing not talking to him.
I know I have to just pull back-it's sad. but, I will call him when I am ready-
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Just give yourself a week and see how you feel about everything and if your okay with it then call to see how things are but don't call if you're not ready to face the fact that you may not be with him on a relationship basis. Maybe if you give him time he will realize what he had but he has to realize it and own up it and communicate that with you.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Because of my email, I'm sure he won't call me until he hears from me...
So, this week I will try not to call him at all. I feel like I've been through the war, and I am sure he doesn't feel it at all.
And, if I didn't get this all out in the open, I would still be wondering and losing sleep. He didn't pay attention to my feelings at all; making me wait. Just like a regular day w/Charlie, work, golf, errands, working out, THEN a call. I would always be last on the daily agenda. (but first on the drive home)
This was just all so shocking....going along thinking you are a serious couple, and how it ended. Guess it wouldn't have ended if I didn't do anything about it. It would still all be the same...
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Even if things were the same you would still be miserable and wondering I don't see where much has changed there. The only thing is you thought you were a couple but I don't think in his eyes you were. Just give it some time that is the only thing that is going to ease the pain, you should really try getting out with friend this weekend and having some fun dinner, movie, etc.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thanks-
I've been thinking about how I'm going to tell the kids-I don't want to make anything sound negative or bad towards him.
Guess I'll just have to say, I thought we were more serious, and he wanted to be just friends and we're taking some time away from each other. Maybe to start dating other people in the future.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

I think to avoid more questions than you are ready to answer and unable to answer I would tell the child you decided to be friends for now and that he has some things he needs to work out and didn't think it was fair to keep you hanging on. Only date someone when you feel you're ready don't rush into another relationship before you are ready or they will only be a rebound to you and that won't be a very healthy relationship for you to be in right after everything you've been through with Charlie.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Do you think I over reacted to everthing?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
You are right. I am still so insecure that I'm going to lose the person I'm with I want to be with them all the time. Thinking they are not going to be with me....
I explained that to Charlie early on. and thought we were working through it. I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX told him I was new at this dating thing. I also told him I wasn't 'dating'. Not at this age.
Anyway, I have learned and will take things much slower now. And stop thinking about it.
I am very busy with my new job and my Masters...I'll focus on that and just let my personal life flow....whatever.
I'll stay in touch.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi Kimberly:
It's been a week and a half and I haven't heard from Charlie except for a couple of txts. I emailed him last thursday. Told him about how I've thought about everything that happened, apologized for my dysfunctions on dating. and, also that I would like to start again in the future. A clean start. no kids, no day to day requests-just the two of us focusing on each other.
I also told him how deeply I felt for him, and that I' not ready to throw in the towel yet; and it's more than 'friends'. .. told him I'd look forward to a call from him soon.
Well, absolutely no response. nothing . no email or calls yet.
Guess that's pretty bad news. I'm pretty much writing off the whole thing; thinking his silence speaks volumes. His avoidance means to me that he's trying his best to forget about me and convince himself he's better off alone.
I could be wrong. I guess I don't know him like I thought I did. I do miss talking with him on the phone, and it's hard for me to believe he (at 44 yrs. old) can completely ignore me.
I haven't called him, I think my email covered it all, and the ball's in his court.
Overall, I think what I did was the best for me. I deserve someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with him...

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency