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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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i found out that my live-in boyfriend is still in ...

Customer Question

i found out that my live-in boyfriend is still in contact with his 2 exes. He still sends them money out of the country. He claims that he doesn''t love them anymore but that he needs to be in contact with them at least 1x a week because he worries about them. he doesn''t have any kids with them and i don''t understand why he isn''t willing to let go of them. he still tells them that he cares for them and misses them very much. i''m still very much in love with him and don''t know how to handle this situation anymore. i''ve told him how his actions are hurting me and our relationship, and he says he didn''t want that to happen. i''ve been reading alot about cheating men and why they do it, but what this situation is a little different because he never cut if off with them. they just recently knoew about me when I called them, yet, they still keep on contacting him and/or vice versa. please help....
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
How long have you been with him? living together?

What are your ages?

How did he meet them if they are out of the country?

Why does he send them money?

How long, and how long ago was he with them?

Did you ask him why they didn't know about you?

what did they say when you spoke to them?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: How long have you been with him? living together?
i've been with him for 11 months now and living for 4 of those

What are your ages? i'm 36 and he's 39

How did he meet them if they are out of the country? he used to have a call center business in the philippines and that's how he met them. the first one didn't know about the 2nd one either.

Why does he send them money? accdg to him because he knows how desperate they are and how destitute they are over there. they don't have any means of income.

How long, and how long ago was he with them?
he met the 1st 1 in 2002 and the 2nd one in 2004 or 2005.

Did you ask him why they didn't know about you? yes and he said that he just couldn't get the courage to tell them about me and hurt them. he worries about them a lot and telling them about me would just hurt them unnecessarily. he was hoping that it would just fade away when he started being distant to them by decreasing their contact when we started getting serious. he's still hoping that it will just fade away and he doesn't have to do anything drastic. he has asked me if he could still contact them at least 1x every 2 weeks now, but i don't think i can handle it. i don't have any way of knowing whether he's sticking to it or not. he could be chatting with them online for all i know.

what did they say when you spoke to them?
one of them was shocked and surprised and didn't know what to say to me. however, after a month of not contacting him, she's now back to calling him.
the other one, she was angry at me for being disrespectful and rude. but later on calmed down when i apologized. i saw a goodbye letter that she sent to him, but also saw an email from him asking if they could chat after this.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

Thank you for that additional info. You said that she sent a goodbye letter, and that he emailed her asking if they could still chat. That one thing right there shows you that he's not willing to stop. He could have dealt with the goodbye letter as his way out. Apologized to her and left it at that, but he didn't, despite him saying he knew no way to cut it off, even when it was done for him, he couldn't let it lie.

The best indication of future behavior is past behavior, and since he has not stopped in 11 months and is not showing an indication of wanting to stop, only of wanting the change things around, then it's not likely he will stop or if he does it will be much further down the line and would take you confronting the girls again, and constantly confronting him and spying on him.

Of course the girls will not want to stop because they probably do need the money (who knows) but who's going to give up free money. He may have some type of complex where he feels the need to be a savior to them, or to be a father figure to them. He may need counseling. I don't know how invested in this relationship you are or how long you would be willing to deal with this, but you might want to let him know that it needs to stop, and it needs to stop right now. Consider if this is still happening a year from now? Two years from now?

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post:

thank you for your response. you have a point there. however, i'm wondering if his email asking her to chat w/ him would be his way of telling me that it's part of his once every 2 weeks contact with them. we had set ground rules as to what constitutes excessive contact with them. i'm actually on the fence as to whether i'm ok with this or that he should end all contact altogether.

i've invested some in this relationship when we started living together. we have a year lease on our house and that's the other problem right there since he just started a new job and doesn't have the financial means to get another apartment for himself and pay me half of our current rent. his alternative right now is to make this work between us [and sometimes i wonder if it's just because of the housing situation]. however, even if he was let's just say willing to work things out, can you help me understand his complex personality and how i can help him overcome it?

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Whether is his part of asking to speak with them or not, that was his "out" and instead of taking it, he reels her back in. Why? It seems he is intent on keeping these relationships going at all costs. It's your perogative to deal with in a way that makes you feel comfortable, whether that means you view all the contact, or you allow the contact or whether you demand that it stop right now.

If you have a year lease on the house and have been living together for 4 mos, then that means you have 8 months to see how serious he is about cutting things off completely. It would be almost impossible for you to help him overcome his issue because at the moment, you don't know what the issue is. Does he do it to make himself feel important? Does he do it because he really is that nice and wants to help them? Even to the point where he has lied and jeopardized your relationship? Either he doesn't care that much about your relationship or he can't control his actions. If it's the latter, he needs to talk to a counselor or therapist. Perhaps couples therapy would help. You can't help him unless you know why he's doing it in the first place, or what happened in his past to cause him to be like this.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: thank you for your answers. i'm still unclear about what to do though.....
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
It's hard to say what you should do. In a relationship, especially when two people are living together, it's not common that a man would keep in touch with his exes and send them money. It's just not. So at this point, the first thing you have to decide is if you want to allow it to continue. If you don't want it to continue then you might be putting yourself in a position to give him an ultimatum; it's either 'them' or you. If you want to allow him to continue, but with certain 'rules' then that is your choice and you have to both sit down and decide what those rules are and if he will abide by them without lying. Lying is a big part of trusting someone, so that for you might be a deal breaker. Getting him or both of you into some type of therapy might get him a handle on why he's not able to stop. You could even have him sign up here and talk to me if you like. The decisions are really up to you, I could tell you what I would probably do, but I'm not in the situation, so that would be unfair. I'm here if you want to talk, anytime.


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