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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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We Are Perfect For Each Other - Except Sexually

Resolved Question:

Hello, So I am having the follow issue with my girlfriend. We have been together for about 2 years. In terms of personality, I don't think I could ever find anyone that is as perfect for me as she is. We just go together so well. She really is like my best friend. The only problem with our relationship has been the sex...more specifically the lack thereof. I just can't seem to get sexually turned on by her. Maybe it is because the area of a woman I find most sexually attractive is the legs and butt areas...and honestly she is a little big in those areas. She is not fat at all....just happens to be big in the hips and legs. That might sound mean...but it is the truth. I know the lack of sex (going on 2-3 months now) has become a big issue of the relationship. I don't know what to do. Please help.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Hello

Have you talked to her about it?

Has she expressed any concern about the lack of sex?

Was she big in those areas when you met her?

What are your ages?

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Hello,

I am 24 and she is 23. She has actually lost weight since we met. Again...she is not at all fat...it is just her bone structure. She is wide at the hips and has always just had some problem areas around her butt, hips, and thighs. I think at the beginning it wasn't an issue because of the newness of the relationship.

She has expressed concern. She says it makes her feel as if I don't love her...which is completely not true. Whenever we try to have sex I have a problem getting and/or keeping an erection. I'm pretty sure it is not a physical problem since it is not a problem when I masturbate (maybe a little too much information :-) )
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
I actually rarely get too much information, so don't worry about it (smile)

Well, the first thing you'll have to accept is that this is your problem, not her problem....she was born with that body, and to expect her to somehow try to change it for someone else's benefit....well, you know that's just not right. Now you can be selfish, and turn it into her problem, by telling her that is the reason why you're not having sex, and not turned on, and give her a lifetime of looking at herself like she is 'less than' or that somehow her hips, butt or thighs are related to how someone loves her, but if you love her, you'll want to avoid that. If you mention it to her even once that her body is the issue, you will cause her problems that she may have to deal with for the rest of her life, and I'm going by you saying that you love her, and hoping you hear what I'm trying to say.

With that being said, everyone has their preferences. Skin color, hair, body size, body shape, eyes, personality, etc....we all have certain things we like or dislike. It is said that women fall in love with a guys personality and learn to love his body, while men fall in love with a womans body and learn to love her personality. Either way, if you dislike her legs/butt/thighs so much that you can't even bring yourself to have sex with her, then you need to re-evaluate the whole relationship, because unless you can learn to love every single part of her equally then this problem will only get worse over time.

Some might chalk it up to maturity, and that when you get older you'll see that these aren't the important things in life, but then again, if your preference is that strong, again, there's not much you can do. The truth is that there is someone out there who can love her for all of her parts, physically and mentally....I know that might not be what you want to hear, but it's the truth. If you love her and think that she deserves the best, XXXXX XXXXX may have to allow her to find that person.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know i you want to talk more

Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I really do love her. And it's not like I have a strong desire to not have sex with her...in fact it is the opposite. Because I love her so much I always want to have sex with her...but when it comes time to actually do it...I just can't seem to get physically aroused. When we have had sex in the past I always am fantasizing about other women. What makes this whole thing so troublesome is that EVERY OTHER THING about our relationship is perfect. I've just never met another girl that is so in tune with me about everything. I would hate to think that I let "the one" go over this....or does the fact that we are at this stage and I am asking you for advice mean she isn't "the one"? I don't know...thoughts?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
This is where life gets troublesome. I could almost guarantee if you let her go over this you would eventually regret it. In fact, you would probably want to get back with her, but she wouldn't because she wouldn't understand why the two of you broke up in the first place. I'm not saying that you don't love her, I guess the question would be, do you love her enough. Do you love her enough to overlook what you perceive as flaws? What if she told you that as long as she didn't think about your teeth, or your butt/thighs, breath, hair or whatever, then she can have sex, but if she looks at it or thinks of it, then she just can't get aroused? Or what if she told you that the only way she could have sex with you is if she imagines Brad Pitt, or the guy down at the video store, or the UPS guy? How would you feel?

You could go to therapy. Of course you would let her know it's just some personal issues you have to deal with, perhaps regarding your erectile dysfunction and that you want to see if you can get it worked out. (Again, the last thing you want to tell her is you're going to therapy because you hate her thighs.) Once you go into therapy, maybe you could work out why you are stuck on only one particular way for a females body to be. Many times it simply boils down to the way that society views women, and they force this idea of the thin, stick-woman on society, so men tend to think that is what a woman should look like. Your girlfriend probably has the perfect body to have children, and be strong enough for years of running a home, working, raising kids, and yes, having sex with her husband, but for some reason, even though you emphatically state that she is not fat, you need her to be thinner.


The fact is, you could be letting go of the one, but what difference does it really make if you can't bring yourself to sleep with her? Or if your sexual life can't be as good as the rest of your life? This doesn't necessarily mean that she isn't the one, but it's very close.

What do you think

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I see what your saying...but I want to stress that I feel like this is more of a sub-conscious thing than a top layer thing. It is not like I look at her and say to myself "Ugh...I don't want to have sex with her". It is more like everything is normal leading up to the sex..but then when it is time it just doesn't happen (though of course now the issue isn't even the sex...it is that we haven't had it at all in a while...so the whole thing IS weird where as before everything was normal right up until the actual moment). Here is another thought...is it possible that it is not the physical part at all...but rather that we spend so much time together that I think of her so much as my best friend (I mean we fart in front of each other and everything) that at some point I stopped thinking of her as a sexual conquest (terrible choice of words...hope that made sense)?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Definitly possible. Perhaps it's time to put some effort into spicing up your sex life. It probably seems like the two of you are at too young of an age to have this problem, but it could be an issue. I asked you before, is she asking or initiating sex? Does she feel like the two of you are not having enough sex?

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Over the last month or so I'd say she stopped initiating. I would occasionaly try to get things shaking by stimulating her with my hand...but she would eventually just push my hand away. I think she has some issues with her vagina (I've thought this for a while, though i've never said anything). I think she has like really loose lips or something (wow...I'm really glad we don't know each other Embarassed). Whenever she is naked she always makes a point to cover her vagina with her hand. Also...in 2 years I've only gone down on her once...and it is not becuase I am against it (I'm really not...her pleasure is my pleasure)...but again, because I think she has some body issues with that part. To your last question...last night she finally made a point of bringing this whole thing up. She said how it is starting to really weigh on her emotionally. We both said we would try to make an effort to work on it. I suppose this is part of that process for me. Getting some outside perspective.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
The good thing is that we don't know each other, so you can speak freely.

In my opinion, 'loose lips' would probably something that you are concerned with as opposed to her, most women will cover their private area...its very common. The thing is, adult women will not have totally flat lips, this is something that's usually found in young girls, and very thin women. If the hand stimulation is not leading to more exciting things or it seems half hearted (or she perceives it that way), it could be why she's pushing your hand away. You also could not be stimulating her the way she needs to be stimulated which makes it more of an annoyance than a turn on. These are things you might want to open up and talk about. Tell her to touch herself, and you put your hand on hers and see what she does. Many women can't be turned on by stimulation of just the clitoris, or by just penetration, they need penetration and clitoral stimulation at the same time.

Think about getting some tantric sex tapes, sex toys, going toy shopping together, talking about both of your fantasies and maybe acting some of them out. Make two suggestion jars, and each weekend both of you pull a suggestion out of the others jar, and do that suggestion. If you think she has a problem with you giving her oral sex, then she needs to explain to you if she does have a problem with it, or if she just has a problem with the way you do it. Communication could get the two of you to a totally different plane if the two of you could start talking about what you each need, and are feeling.

The fact that she wants to talk about it is perfect, you've got an opportunity for the two of you to be open with each other and try to get down to the bottom of what you can do to try and make things better. Use your love, friendship and respect for each other as a base and you can't go wrong. Of course if you want to talk more now or later I'm always around.

Chase
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I think I've known that communication is the key. It is just nice to have someone to talk to and get some outside opinion. I like the idea of the suggestion jar. Are there any specific tantric tapes you recommend? Hope I haven't come off like a jackass. Thanks for your help.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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