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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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Should I move on from this relationship

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Should I move on from this relationship? I am so confused. WE have been together for over 5 years, and it feels like nothing has ever gone right. I''m 25, and he is 26. I have stayed because Yes we are friends, but we just dont work well together. The love seems to have left from me. I guess I know the answer. And I guess I am just afraid of what I will have to do to move on. I am afraid to be alone, and I''m scared I will never find someone who will love meand who I can love. I know thats silly but, I guess on the surface very thing is comfortable, but under all that I feel, so much hurt and pain and I feel trapped and. He has never directly hurt me, but he doesn''t seem to see when something he does or says or more importantly doesn''t do or say hurts. I know, I just need to leave. I don''t even know how I got here to this site, or what this site is. I just want someone to talk to so bad. I feel so alone. Maybe I should go find a psychiatrist. I don''t know any more.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer.

What are you are feeling is normal for someone who has been in a relationship for many years. You're afraid of losing the familiarity and the friendship you both had together and everyone gets afraid to be alone especially after a break up of a long term relationship. If you feel the relationship can not be fixed and you don't love him anymore then don't make your life any more miserable than it has been lately. Wouldn't you rather be alone than to be unhappy all of the time. Taking that first step towards being single again is scary for anyone that is why so many people stay when they are unhappy and sad in the relationship.

You need to talk to your boyfriend about how he made you feel or didn't make you feel in the relationship this is going to be part of your closure. If you leave without letting your feelings out they will stay pent up and you may take them into another relationship and you just don't want to carry that pent up feeling onto something or someone else. If you feel you need a therapist to help you through that you should find one but what you are feeling is a natural feeling. Maybe you could remain friends after this if the two of you can separate the two now. Five years is a long time to be with just one person and that is where the fear is coming from, fear of losing something that has been so familiar to you for five years, you are going to have to pretty much allow yourself to grieve in a sense because you relationship has died.

You will find someone else but don't rush into it give yourself some "You" time that means to get over what happened in this relationship and what went wrong and find out who you are again because for five years you were part of two and now you will be one if you do decide to move on. If you don't think the relationship could be repair through talking about your feelings and your hurt then don't torture yourself by staying where you are truly not happy that is a kind of loneliness in itself so what would be the difference in being by yourself? You may move on and like the choice that you made and like being by your self and feel a sense of freedom but you won't know that until you try it. Remember to talk to your boyfriend and explain to him all the reasons why you need to leave if you do decide to leave don't leave with things unresolved. If you have anything to add click reply.



Thank you again for trusting me with your problem.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX knew, but I also know I needed to hear someone tell me that I am right and not crazy. Just one more thing. Is it truly impossible for a man to change in a relationship? He was not brought up so well, rather low mentality minded people, and he Has come rather far since we got together. We have really made our lives good. I know he says he loves me, but I think I am selfish and I want him to show me. Not just tell me. I talk to him a lot about my feelings, but it seems he doesn’t care. Like what I say goes in one ear and out the other. I ask him to tell me how he feels about us, or how he feel about his life. It’s not that he doesn’t want to feel. It’s that, well I don’t think he knows how to understand his feelings. I think that is rather common in males.
So he says he wants to change, to improve our home, and life, and maybe one day get married and have a family. Which is all good, but for the past two years, nothing has improved at all. He still lives his four-step lifestyle. Work, Sleep, Play, and Eat. And in that order of importance. 10 hours working, 10 hours sleeping, 2 hours playing, and 1 hour total eating. The rest is for bathing and driving. He will only clean if I become…a not a nice person. Somehow that has been reinforced. Something I am working on now.
I do not work as much as he does, and I understand I should pull more of the household load. But it feels like the only way to get him to even see any thing to clean is to point it out. He lives like a child. I need order in my life, routine, schedules. He has one I guess. The four step schedule.
I don’t want to take up our time. And you Have been helpful. Do you know the best way to find a psychiatrist? Maybe I will try one last thing before I completely give up. I just want to believe in him to be a better person. I also want to believe I can love him again. I will put a time frame to it that only I know about. It will take a bit to get up the nerve to move, then some to do the physical moving. Should I start the “moving process” now, or wait till I am 100% sure? Or should I already be 100 and I am now just fooling myself.
Thank you for your time.
KW
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

What you have described is common in most males their idea of helping to clean is taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn. Though there are some men that are obsessed with having a clean home some men could care less. Are you telling me out of a 24 hour period you only get about an hour of his time? If this is so you really need to tell him you are feeling neglected and that you're at the point where you are ready to leave if he truly cares about you he will do everything in his power to make things better. The relationship does seem salvageable if both parties are willing to work hard at it, it can't just be you trying to fix things he will have to see the error of his ways and want to change not only for you but to make him a better man.

You can usually find psychiatrist in your area in the local phone book yellow pages but make sure it is a reputable one and not one that is only out for the money and will say what they think you want to hear. You want someone who will stay neutral and not pick sides that will not help the relationship at all. Make this your last resort before making any decisions. Think about it this way you could have a man that is cheating, abusing you so this could be fixed it will just take the both of you working on it together and if you leave it will make you wonder if there was something else you could have done to help the relationship. If you truly want to try to make this relationship work then ask him if he will go to counseling with you, but the decision is his and if he doesn't want to go then you will have to start the process if that is what you want to do.

Just the fact that he said he wants to change is a big step but he won't change overnight and maybe that is what you want but it just won't happen at a blink of an eye. You said he has come very far that he should be commended for and maybe with some help and can go even further. A lot of men live like children they don't like to clean that is why alot of men if they can afford it pay maids to clean for them or their mothers but there are some that don't mind cleaning also. Maybe he could compromise with his four step schedule and cut one of them so that he can help you around the house more that isn't too much to ask for. Maybe 8 hours of sleep and one hour of play and the rest of the time spent with you that is three more hours to you. It seems like all this relationship needs is compromise and maybe counseling if that will help. If you have anything to add click reply.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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