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Ed Johnson
Ed Johnson, Consultant
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10760
Experience:  USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt
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Me&partner are tgther 6 yrs.Were both 25 &live

Customer Question

Me&partner are tgther 6 yrs.We're both 25 &live tgther.I have a child from a prev. partner who he has raised since a baby.5days ago he told me he felt we wernt working and he wasnt happy. He met a girl last year and has been thinking about her for the year. He said that she wasnt the only reason. Last night we talked a lot. We were neglecting each other, old before our time, had no fun, no social life together. I said we can try, that I felt that way too. We had stopped communicating and we are now discovering things we never knew about each other.He now says he feels we can resolve everything except the feelings he has for this girl.He is meeting her tonight,just to catch up and talk so he can satisfy his curiosity& find if his feelings for her are real (they had a text relationship&i forbid him from seeing her last year.nothing physical happened).He wants a few days where we dont contact each other,to give him time to think&we will meet in3days&he will have decided. Is there any hope
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 6 years ago.

DearCustomer

Thank you for your question.

From the sounds of things, as you have outlined them, I do believer there is hope. Your relationship can definitely be saved. But of course, that takes two, and you are waiting for his answer. The good news is, that I see that you communicate and that you are still discovering things about each other, even though it took a crisis to bring that out.

You are handling this in a very mature way and it is critical that you respect the space he has asked for.

He is giving up a lot to walk away because he is not only giving up a relationship with you, but he is giving up a relationship with your child.

If his feelings for this other woman are so strong that he has to resolve them, then it is best the way you are doing it. You would not want to be in relationship if his energy is mis-directed to thoughts of her. You want him focused on you and your child, and your relationship with each other.

The only trouble spot, and I would not really call it a trouble spot, is your use of the phrase: "...I forbid him from seeing her last year". Perhaps you meant that you asked him, but if you really did forbid him, that is a small glitch.

In the course of human behavior, when adults are forbidden to do something, they likely will push back in some way, or act in a way that might sabotage the mandate. Hence in this case, a mental preoccupation with his feelings about the forbidden.

Ultimatums and orders do not normally work in relationship. What works best are special requests and respect for each other's feelings.

So at this moment, there is hope, and actually, a better than even chance that he will remain with you (and your daughter); but what is critical is how your respect for his feelings and time apart shows up. (plays out).

 

 

Ed Johnson, Consultant
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10760
Experience: USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt
Ed Johnson and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I did deliberatley use the term forbid as that is what I did and I bitterly regret it now as I do believe it caused him to wonder more than if he had been able to get to know her as a friend (and her flaws). He was very angry with me for making him stop seeing her. I was very angry too as I felt betrayed and couldn't understand why he wouldn't giver her up to make me feel better. I can see now that was a mistake.

Thanks you for your advice. I can only hope now that he realises that we can make it work. I will keep my distance until Sunday and I hope I get the news I want. If not, well, I'll learn my lessons for the next time.
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 6 years ago.
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