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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My question is quite long and I have already typed it.

Customer Question

My question is quite long and I have already typed it.   When an expert responds, I can copy and paste my question. Thank you.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hi Karen,

I'm here, what is your question?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Can you still view my very first question to you ?    I had talked about my partner Dave, and how he moved in with me because he was laid off his job.    

Before I met Dave 2 1/2 yrs ago, he had an expensive Corvette. But he also had a decent income. Now that he has not worked in 6 months, has gone through the last of his savings, and has moved in with me, he refuses to sell the car and it is $900 a month !   I have brought this to his attention, but we don't discuss it much, because I know it is so hard for him to get rid of that car and he really doesn’t like to talk about it.   When he initially moved in, I told him that I would try to continue paying all my regular household bills and mortgage on my own until he gets his feet on the ground.    He was getting unemployment, but I imagine that barely covered the Corvette payment.   The only thing I keep telling myself is "I love him and I have to accept some things if I want to be with him"   

He is a really sweet man, and he has felt so down about himself, and he loves that car.   But he has other financial responsibilities as well, some of which he is just ignoring for the time being.

He did finally get a new job.   He was trained to sell cars. Which is totally out of his career field as a land developer, so he has yet another change of life to accept.    Now he is gone 15 and 11 hrs a day including weekends.   That is another change I am dealing with.   But it is not paying (yet) well enough to afford the Vette payment and be responsible for his other finances and OUR relationship as a whole.   

He has also had a boat for the 2 1/2 yrs I've been with him. He told me in the beginning that he wanted to sell it. He still owes $18,000 on it.   But he had it stored in a Boatel at the marina, and has never used it. Then he lost his job and stopped paying the marina.   He owes them $2700 and it is continuing to accrues late fees and interest.   I really tried to help and he agreed to let me try and sell it on the internet.   Then I got a broker at the Marina who found a buyer. But they won't release the boat unless Dave pays the Boatel fees.   He can't do it and does not make an effort to even try to work something out with the owner. I can't talk to him about it because he doesnt know what to do, so he just lets it continue until "some day".   It stresses him out to talk about it and he'll just say "please don't bring that up".    The situation with the boat and lack of effort to do something about it is making me unhappy.

We really do have a good relationship for the most part.   He’s a kind and loving man, good father and decent human being.   He is really laid back.    He does not worry about much.    I am a worrier.   But I also feel that I have a voice in our relationship and how we work together towards solutions and goals for a nice future together.

He receives a lot of mail and most of it goes unopened.   I do not know everything he may owe to people.   I don’t know if is even my business to ask him.   I don’t know what my level of involvement should be in his financial affairs.    I always doubt myself and lack confidence to know where I stand in this matter.   I just know certain things really bother me on a regular basis and it is causing unhappiness in my life which I do not deserve.     If he would just get rid of that boat or try hard to, I think that would do it for me.   That is my biggest gripe.   I can be more understanding about the car, but even that is nagging at me because he is barely contributing to our living arrangements still.    Also, on my 50th birthday last week, he gave me bought me roses and a card from the Giant.   Not that I am ungrateful, but I thought we should have gone out for dinner at least !    He just said his feet hurt from working at the car dealership.   I understood, but he would have been sitting down if we went in the car and then a restaurant.   I just felt like I was the bottom of the barrel, and he doesn’t want to spend any money on me cuz of his other stuff.

I am not at all criticizing him for having debt, heck I owe $22,000 in credit card bills.   I just can’t justify keeping such an expensive car under these circumstances, nor just letting this boat issue drag out.   I think he is hoping to make a bunch of money selling cars (which is not unrealistic because he is a REALLY good people person and after two weeks working there he already has a great “customer satisfaction index”) and he can clean up all his financial problems.    I hope it happens, but for now, what is fair for me to say or talk about ?   I want that boat gone !    And I want to feel more like a partner and know what else is going on.   I have never seen his checking account or any other type of financial information.   I really don’t think he is “holding” anything from me, I just don’t think he gives it any thought.   But I want to get more “in tune” as a couple and do not know how to go about it.    He is really sweet to me and I love him like no one I’ve ever known.   I’ve been divorced twice as I said in my very first question to you, and I held out for the real thing.   That is love in my book.   So I can almost accept anything just to stay together with him.   

I also do accept him for who he is and am not trying to “change him”, but nothing is perfect and some things have to be worked out.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hi Karen,

Thank you for that additional info, let me ask you a couple of things.

I'm sure you may have thought about this, but if someone wanted to buy the boat, could the cost of the rental be added on to the cost of the boat?

Is he making enough a month to pay for the car note?

Do you know what he makes at his job?

Have you thought about telling him that you are going to take over his finacial affairs and try to set up payment plans for him? Do you feel comfortale telling him that?

 

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: I think he could only sell the boat for what he owes.   Even when I had it listed on the internet at that price, no one was really calling.   But he isnt even trying now. We did have one offer for the amount he owed, but he couldnt sell it because of the storage fees being unpaid.

He makes $300 per week (gross) at the dealership. Then he gets commission when he sells a car.    The pay he gets alone without commission, takes care of his car payment with maybe a couple hundred left over.

I really do not feel comfortable taking over his financial affairs and setting up payment plans.   I don't want to take on that responsibility as I have many of my own.   I've already tried helping with the boat, and was not successful. Even if I tried to talk to him about it, he isn't currently making enough money to pay for the things he owes.

I'm not in this relationship for someone to provide for me.   I make it on my own on $3,022 per month, and my mortgage is $1,794 alone !   I have girls in college who have started paying for all their own things.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Thank you Karen, I think my question to you at this point, is what is your question? You've given me a lot of info, and you don't want to move in any of the directions I've suggested, and you've not actually asked a question. Let me know

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I'm sorry I wasn't more clear.   Somewhere in my message to you I did ask "What is fair for me to say or talk about" when it comes to his financial issues at this level of our relationship.....2 1/2 yrs together and now living together ?

The only direction I see that you suggested was possibly taking over his financial affairs.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hi Karen,

I see where you stated that, but it wasn't in the form of a question. I like to be very clear, so that I can address exactly what you need, I meant no offense. :)

In my opinion, you have been with him for almost three years together, you are carrying most all of the bills, paying for almost everything, so I don't think it's unfair for you to feel free to discuss any aspect of his finances. You're basically carrying him, while he continues to pay for his 'toys'. I know he's struggling financially, but it's not fair that you pay all the bills while he pays for a corvette. Imagine the 900 dollars he pays for the car, going towards the bills.....you could probably have enough money to pay down your own debt, as well as start paying on his debt, go out to dinner, heck, even go on a vacation or little trips. That car would really be a sticking point with me, because it's a drain on his finances, and although you don't mind paying the bills, it sets a bad precedent in the relationship.

Let me know your thoughts

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Chase,
I agree and respect your response.   I DESERVE the right to have dialogue with him as a couple/partnership if that is how he wants to keep it in the future.   

Can you briefly respond about the boat also ?   He is not doing anything to pay the storage fees, that I know of, nor is he actively trying to sell it.   I wrote about it in my really long message to you (sorry about that). And I will be on my way, trying to figure out how to bring these things up to him !   LoL    Also, I will pay for all your help.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

It's not going to be easy I know, and I give you the advice very matter of factly, and sometimes relationships are not very matter of fact, but far more emotional. If you really care about someone, it becomes difficult to confront them, for fear of losing them, but you have raised children, and unfortunately there are times when you will have to approach your relationship in the same way. If you don't open a dialog with him and get all of this stuff on the table, then you will start to resent him, and he will probably be doing the same thing next year. Can you imagine? Being in this exact same position a year from now? Because he is basically ignoring it, that tells me that unless something happens to put him on a different path, he will continue to ignore it.

As for the boat...I'm not sure to be honest. My thoughts are basic math.....sell the boat for what he owes, plus the storage fees, and that's it. Maybe that's wishful thinking....since the economy is so bad, and I don't know if the boat is worth what he owes.

The second choice would be to get caught up on the storage fee, so that he could sell it. If he sold it for 15k, then he would owe the additional 3k, but that beats having to pay the whole amount.

The third choice would be to sell it for less than the 18k and have the buyer pay the storage fees and deduct the storage fee from their payment. Again, he loses money, but not 18k.

I would pay that storage fee as soon as possible, especially with them adding late fees, or eventually they are going to wind up owning the boat, and he's going to have to pay over 20k between the boat and the fees.

Widen your selling options, put an ad in the paper, put an ad on craigslist.com, put a listing on ebay if you have to (through and auction house might be best, XXXXX XXXXX sure it goes thru ok).

Let me know your thoughts about this. (I'm not worried about you paying, you've always accepted in the past :)

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
You are right.   It does come down to fear of loosing him.   Which is really sad because I believe he really loves me.   As he says, now and forever.   But honestly, I am worried about how he'll respond to me trying to talk about these issues.   Maybe I am underestimating him, but I am sort of going by past experience here.   Some times we have talked very well about different issues that have arose, and we seemed closer afterwards.    But the car and the boat thing seem like tabu.   Also, you are right about the resentment building up.   If he doesn't respect my need to discuss, resolve and plan as a couple, I will eventually not want to talk to him.   The more I even talk about this, the more anxious I become to ask him to talk to me, but I am going to do it.   It will just be another "test" in our relationship. And the truth will be more apparent as to how he feels about me and our relationship.   Do you feel it would be acceptable for me to show him some of your feedback ?   I would first explain to him how I've struggled with just talking to him about it.   That I am not criticizing him, or trying to beat him up or expect some instant solutions.   But that mainly, I need to feel confident and safe that we can discuss it respectfully.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

I don't mind at all if you show him anything we've talked about. You would have to decide if you think he would be offended that you talked to a stranger about the issue, or if her would see it as a way for you to reach out, feeling that you couldn't really reach out to him. If all you're going on is past experience, then it can't hurt to try and talk about it, but he's probably more defensive about the boat and the car because he knows in his heart that he's being selfish about them. If it weren't for you allowing him to move in with you, and basically supporting him, he would have already lost the car, which probably irritates him subconsciously. You are right when you say the truth will be apparent, because he can't hope to continue on this way forever, he knows the ball will have to drop eventually, he's just avoiding it.

Chase

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
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Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues