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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I have been seeing this guy for five months. He is ...

Customer Question

I have been seeing this guy for five months. He is thirty and he hasn''t had a "girlfriend" since high school. When people ask him if we''re dating, he says no. We see each other every weekend at the bar, and then we spend most of the weekend together. When we''re alone, we talk about books, movies, and other shared interests. We started having sex two months into it. When we''re intimate, he is affectionate, and we enjoy each other sexually, however, when we aren''t being intimate, he is almost never overtly affectionate with me. I care for him quite a bit, and I am satisfied so far with our relationship. However, I would eventually like for us to talk more and commit. We are not seeing other people. What is the best way for me to understand whether or not he cares for me and wants to be with me? If I stay with him, should I expect him to continue to gradually open up, or do you think he is too grounded in his fear of intimacy to every really want a "girlfriend" or relationship
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer By the way, it would help me to know:

-What is your age?

-Is there a reason he hasn't had a girlfriend since high school, like a broken heart from someone in high school?

-Why do you only see each other on the weekend and not during the week also?

-Does he drink alot when at the bar?


Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: Hi, thanks for taking the time to help me :)

I am twenty four, and I know nothing about his relationship from high school. He didn't tell me about it, our mutual friend did.

When we started talking about seeing each other, he told me that girls are clingy and irritating, and that he's avoided relationships because he thinks his life is crappy and he doesn't want to bring anyone else down with him.

We're both busy during the week and we both like our personal space. I could see him Tuesday nights if I wanted to because he goes out with my friend to play disc golf, but I like to keep a barrier between the time he has with his friends and our time together so I don't crowd him.

What I probably should have mentioned is that, yes, he drinks a ton. He also does drugs, and I would consider him pretty much an alcoholic. I know he does this because his father was killed in an accident when he was a little younger than me, and he's had two close friends die as well.

He's obviously afraid of getting close to people for this reason, which I understand because I lost a brother and two close friends.

I'm wondering if he's even capable of having feelings for me while he's into drugs. We do spend quality time together and he is affectionate with me beyond just sex. I have talked to him once about his feelings, and he made it clear that he cares about me, but I wonder if he'll ever grow to a point where we can have a serious relationship. Oy.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

I think that he keeps from having relationships with people so that he doesn't lose them, he may be tired of giving himself to someone only to lose them. The Alcohol and drugs are to mask his pain from losing so many people and now that he has been doing it for so long it's probably his crutch to even exist and not break down. He never gave himself time to grieve and the alcohol and drugs was his way of coping and now he is probably addicted to them both. I think that if he could get some help and get clean he may find that he can love someone totally and completely and it won't hurt as much as he thinks it would. It's important for him to get help and become a person who can coexist without alcohol and drugs.

He is walking around in a haze and this is why he can not give himself to you, if person don't know themselves then they definitely will not be able to get to know someone else and truly care about them and love them. What I say to you is to be there for him as he needs you to be and don't judge him but tell him that you want to explore taking this relationship to another level and ask him if he has ever considered getting help fro the alcohol and drugs. If he refuses help then there really isn't anything you can do about that because he has to want to get help. He will see that he has a special in you and hopefully by then it won't be too late to do something about it.

He has to be able to see that there is more to life than walking around in a haze and always drinking and drugging. Once he is able to do this then you can have the talk about a more serious relationship but until then you won't be able to have much time with him because he is always drinking or doing drugs. That's good that you give him his time with his friends and your right if you did try to intrude in that time that will make him think that you are crowding him and trying to monopolize his time and that may chase him away. Just take your time and see where things go and see if he makes a choice to have a better life for himself.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
KimberlyF and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thanks Kimberly. That's sort of what I was thinking, and it helps to have your affirmation. I used to feel anxious that he was just using me and I was imagining the care I feel from him, but I feel much better about the situation now. When he's ready to change and be healthy, I know things will get better, and in the mean time, I can enjoy his affection and our time together as is. I'm glad I can be a source of health and stability in his life.
Thank you so much. You've helped me tremendously.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

You're quite welcome and if you ever need help again contact me by name or one of our other experts. Good Luck to you!

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