HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:
-What are your ages?
-Did you recently lose a job or never had one?
-Are you currently looking for a job?-Could you explain your situation a little more?Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.
He may not want to make any long term plans because you are not financial stable right now and he doesn't want to take care of anyone as far as he calling you his friend in front of his friends and girlfriend to you, alot of men do that when they are around friends because they don't want to sound like they are on a leash. He said he broke up with you because you didn't have a job not that he didn't care about you. Many people men and women when they go through divorce it makes them not want to ever get married again, it takes time to get over the initial sting of a divorce. He may think because of your age that partying and piercing is what you should be doing but you have to tell him that isn't what you like to do and hopefully he will understand what you are trying to say to him.
Maybe when you find a job and can take care of yourself he will realize that you are motivated and mature enough to have a serious relationship with but if a serious relationship is what you want and he still says that he doesn't want that then you will have to figure out what you want and if this man is the right one for you but only you will know that and only you know how much you are willing too take. You will know when enough is enough the problem is will you be strong enough to walk away or keep hanging on. It just seems like when things get to rough he walks away, when you met him you didn't have a job why is he making such a big deal out of this now, it seems like he is finding reasons not to get serious but wants you to hang on at the same time.
Maybe you shouldn't make yourself so available to him anymore and see what happens and if he doesn't make every effort to get in contact with you then maybe he just wasn't worth all the time you have invested. If he thinks you are sitting around pining for him he can take all of the time he wants to and you will still be there. You are young yet don't do anything you will look back on later in life and wish you never did. If you have anything to add or have more questions click reply.
Explain to him that you know you've made mistakes and that you want to earn his trust back and earn is a huge word in this instance because the only way you will get his trust back is by earning it he isn't just going to start trusting you for no reason. As far as your mother is concerned yes as long as you live with her you have to abide by her rules but all in all you are 21 years old and should be able to spend the night out if you would like. Ask you mother if you can have an extra key made this way she doesn't have to worry about letting you in or unlocking the door. Even some teenagers don't have to be in that early. Just talk to your mother and tell her that you respect what she has to say but she has to let you be your own person and see who you want. If she doesn't change her mind about what time you have to be in the house then you just have to deal with that until you are able to get your own place. Your mother putting that time limit on your time with him may harm your relationship more than help it.
Can I first ask you are you getting the piercing because you want it or is it because he is asking you to get it and you want to show him that you trust him enough to get the piercing? If you are doing it for him I would suggest you think again about that because that is something you do for someone when you are in a committed relationship and he has clearly told you that he isn't your boyfriend, so why get it done if he won't commit to you? It seems like he is trying to change you and for what? What about you is so bad that he needs to change you in anyway? You shouldn't keep your feelings bottled up just because he doesn't like to talk about his, you have to tell him how you feel and that you want him as your boyfriend. You seem like his trophy girl because he wants to do all these changes to you but not willing to call you his girlfriend. He may be going through a midlife crisis early seeing he is only 32 years old. He may have a fear of getting older and wants someone younger to make him feel young and yet doesn't want a serious relationship with you.
Don't allow him to treat you as his personal Barbie doll to do with you what he pleases tell him you are a real person with real feelings. He may be feeling that since when you broke up with your ex boyfriend and told him you weren't ready for a relationship yet that meant that you didn't want a boyfriend and this may be why he is saying things like "I'm not saying I'm your boyfriend or anything like that." You have to tell him that you ready to take that next step toward having a committed relationship and that you won't do the piercing unless you are going to be together in a serious relationship. If you don't tell him what you want then things may keep on as they are and you will just be in a constant limble. Don't ever do anything for someone unless they are willing to make that sacrifice also.
Have you ever thought about getting counseling or even talking to a counselor about why you lie so much to the person you care about the most. This way if you are seeing a counselor he will see that you are being honest about wanting to change. Ask him to give you chance to prove to him that you've changed. As far as not getting the piercing stick to your guns you don't want to do something you really don't feel comfortable about doing just to please him when he doesn't even know if he wants to see you anymore that would be a huge mistake.
It seems like you have been trying to lie on your own and you may need to some outside help to help you to do that because it has become so common place for you that you can not stop it now. That is why I said counseling may do you some good it doesn't mean you are crazy it just means you have some issues to work on and a therapist can help you do that. Just think about it and see if it's an option and let your boyfriend know you are trying to get help for your lying this may be you last resort right now.
Nice to hear from you again I wish you had better news though. I think you should for the time being leave David alone and try to work on yourself, your lying, getting a job and moving out of your mom's house, this is the only way I think David would give you another chance, if he seriously thought you were trying to change your life. Your relationship with your mom is a constant control battle between the two of you, you want to be seen as an adult and be allowed to stay out as long as you want to and she wants to treat you like a child still giving you a curfew for when you need to be in because it's her house, this is why you need to take the step to getting your own place and in order to do that you really need to have a steady income coming in.
David is just fed up with the lies and how it comes so natural for you without batting an eye, he wants you to be able to tell him to the truth no matter how much he isn't going to like it and in order to do that you have to seek counseling for that you are not going to be able to do it yourself. David wants you to be able to make better choices about many aspects of your life like, not associate with people that do criminal activities. He only wants the best for you and has your best interest at heart.
The first thing you need to do is talk to someone a clergyman, counselor, close friend, someone that can help you to see that a lie is far worse than telling the truth and it gets you no where but in trouble and heartbroken.
The second thing you need to do is work on finding a job, one that will allow you to be able to move out of your mother's home and be able to pay the bills each month and also will show David that you are trying to be a responsible adult and do the right thing.
Then I would talk to David about trying again but only if he sees that you are making progress and an effort to change the way your use to be. Then and only then will he even consider even talking to you again because he is fed up with everything you can tell by what he said to you and I think he means it this time. It seems like he cares for you alot but doesn't want to put a label on your relationship until you change and are able to tell him anything without lying to him that is all he wants is for you to respect him enough to be able to do that. If you have anything to add let me know.
If it's the one that deals in selling prescription drugs and other things then yeah you should cut off ties with him, he can not possibly be a good influence for you and your relationship with David just the fact that he told your mother where you were is proof enough that you he doesn't have your best interest at heart. He seems like more trouble than he is worth maybe you should think about starting anew and beginning a whole new chapter in your life. That's what life is all about new beginnings and maturing into a responsible adult. Try having only positive people in your life and maybe that will help you to stop lying and make you want to be a better person always. Your happiness can only be made by you no one else can do that for you so make sure you work on you first before getting into a relationship with David.
I wouldn't wait for him to call me but I would wait until you seek help for your lying and have a job. Just a regular counselor can find out why you lie and the reason you started lying. Usually you can find a counselor in your yellow pages and that's excellent that you are making steps towards making your life better and that will not happen until you are out of the grips of your mother, she will no longer have control but you will have control of your life once in for all. Make sure you at least have seen a counselor and have a job before you even attempt to make contact with him this way when you do have contact with him you will have something to talk about. Let him know that you wanted to share your good news this way he will know that you are serious. Let me know if you need more help.
It is going to have to be a process and part of the process is to gradually get to where you don't have to lie to him anymore. Your lying seems to be a learned behavior and with all learned behaviors it takes time to change that bad habit. Your boyfriend has to understand you aren't going to stop lying cold turkey with any bad habit it will take time, he expects for you to just stop lying because he asked you not to. You learned this from the woman in you family and it isn't going to come easily. In order to prove to him that you are working you need to have him come with you and see what exactly you do, a job is a job whether it is hourly or wages or commission payments just because you don't have a wage slip does not mean you are not working.
It seems like he has too many expectations on you and needs to realize that no one is perfect we all fall short in some way or another. Trust has to be earned like I said before and it's a gradual thing he isn't just going to start trusting you without you proving to him that you deserve that. Allowing him time to see that you are trying and think about this the next time you want to tell a lie, the truth is better than a lie because you have to cover a lie with another lie and then you are so busy covering lies that you forget the last lie you told and that is how you get caught in that lie.
I think as you mature you will better understand how hurtful a lie can be and how your boyfriend feels when he finds out that you have lied but until then you just have to keep wanting to change but you have to change for yourself and not for anyone else if you yourself want to change it gets easier to do you just have to make up your mind that you want to be a better person and no longer lie and you want to be trusted completely and without questions about whether you are telling the truth or not.
It's the honesty is the best policy deal you need to be honest about you feelings this is the only way he will know that he hurt you but he is saying these things because like he said you haven't shown him that you are changing because of the job situation it's going to take some time like I said you have to give him that and show him that you have changed or are trying to change. Maybe if you get the job and move in with him and he sees you on a regular basis and notices that you are trying to change and making every effort to do so thing will get much better and he can tear down that wall he has up with you. You've hurt him and I think now he is trying to give you a taste of your own medicine just tell him you are trying and that his words cut you like a knife.
He is already mad at you and don't want to be bothered because you wouldn't answer when he called your cell phone. You agreed to work on the things that bothered him the most and in his eyes you aren't doing anything at all to change and you are going back to your old ways. We had agreed to always tell him the truth no matter whether he got mad and I had said that he would get madder at you lying then you telling the truth and now any plans you had for the weekend are out the windows, now do you see what he is talking about? He only asked you to change a couple of things about yourself he didn't give you a long list. He only wants you to change the things that affect your relationship with him. If I were you I would give him a cooling off period and then try calling him again I would give him at least a couple of hours and maybe by that time he would have cooled off and can possibly talk rationally with you. You really have to mean what you say when you promise someone something that is hurtful when you say you are going to do something and then you let him down and it really sounds like he is at his wits end with you, try to try much harder to avoid this other guy and ask someone else for a ride to town.
You really need to get out from underneath your mother because she is going to end up ruining what little hope you have to get back with your boyfriend with her controlling behavior, she treats you like a child and you are a woman now. As far as the boyfriend is concerned you are just going to have to wait until he calms down and talk to him more about the prepaid phone. He may just be thinking you are lying again because of the past lies it will take a lot for him to stop thinking that way but he shouldn't call you stupid or ask you to say that you are. You seem to be depending too much on other people and you really need to find a job, get your own place and be your own person don't let other people justify you, you justify yourself through your actions and show your mother and your boyfriend that you can do it on your own without depending on them. There are four steps you really need to make in order to have your freedom : #1. Find a full time steady job. #2. Save up money and then get your own apartment so that you don't have to answer to anyone else but yourself. #3 Learn to drive so that you can get your own car and transportation. #4 work on your relationship with your boyfriend and winning his trust back.
I think once you get those goals met your mother will respect that you are an adult but as long as you live in her household she is able to control and run you and it's starting to affect your relationship with the boyfriend.