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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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I had discussions on 6/10 with Kimberly and Ms Chase. I

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I had discussions on 6/10 with Kimberly and Ms Chase.   I would like to continue with a bit more dialogue with them about a specific part of those discussions.   We had talked about my 19 yr old daughter's guy friend Nate, who is the one my live in partner, Dave, does not want coming to the house. I told him that I consulted experts on this website.   I am writing again on his behalf since he feels that I did not reveal more details about Nate and a recent incident.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

Hello Karen,

I'm here to talk, just let me know what you want to talk about.


Customer: replied 8 years ago.
When my daughter moved back home from college a few weeks ago, I heard that she had told Nate that they couldnt date any longer.   The following weekend, my two daughters that moved back home from college were invited to a party/camp out on a big farm owned by their friend's (Jake) family.   Nate, who had not been invited, found out about it.   He went there with the intent to find my daughter Michelle, and try to force her to talk to him.   She didn't want to, but he wouldn't leave her alone and actually began saying ugly things to her. Jake, who was at the campsite as well, heard them and he told Nate to leave, but he also knocked him to the ground really hard. Then Nate left, but returned several minutes later and Jake slammed him down again and told him to get off the property.   Nate (who is 21) went home and told his father.   Turns out Nate's shoulder was dislocated. The father called the police and Jake got arrested the next day. My point to all this is Nate's reputation and the problems that occur on and off since my daughter began dating him, and therefore Dave not wanting him around.   Late in the morning after the fight (starting at 3:00am) Nate's family began calling Michelle's cell phone and leaving nasty messages.   She had done nothing wrong, and did not have any part in the guys fight.   First, Nate's FATHER, who is a 60ish yr old businessman, left her a message like this "This is Mr. ______, Nate was attacked by someone you know, so I want you to stay off our property. I am going to file a lawsuit against this guy, and possibly YOU, so don't call and don't come around you F _ _ _ _ _ whore."   That is what the DAD said on her cell phone.   Then the daughter called and said even worse things to Michelle.   And Nate called a bunch of times trying to sweet talk her into calling him.   After all of this, Michelle said she is still Nate's friend.   That is why I'm fearful that he may show up at my house and Dave is going to say something to make him leave, or Dave might leave. Then my daughter's going to have an issue with Dave.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Chase, I assume you recall, or can still see our discussions from yesterday so you know what I am talking about?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

Yes ma'am, I do recall talking with you and followed your conversation with Ms Kim as well. Let me read over this and get back to you in a few minutes.


Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

whats your daughters position on this, is she still going to see him/date him? or you don't know yet?


Customer: replied 8 years ago.
He has not been to the house since that fighting incident, so I am hoping she has the sense, and knowledge that it is not a good idea for him to show up.    She did tell me she is friend, no matter how much everyone else thinks he's a low life.   The other night I was informed by my other daughter that Michelle met Nate and they went to the movies.   I am thinking that I should have a talk with Michelle, express my concerns and position on him coming to the house.   Dave thinks it will lead to something else happening and possibly at our house.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

There are a couple of issues at play here. I'm going to address the most important info first.

There is such a thing as someone being misunderstood, making mistakes, having a hard life, etc. Whether of not you want to still accept a person in these circumstances is totally up to you and sometimes they need some sort of acceptance, so I commend you for treating him good and welcoming him into your home. With that being said, he has already shown agressive behavior to your daughter, by going to the party, insisting that she talk to him and then saying ugly things to her. His constant calling, trying to get her to answer the phone and/or call him is aggressive as well (his father's message shows where he may have learned the behavior to begin with). This behavior is something to be concerned about and to talk to Michelle seriously about. Some women will find this type of behavior flattering (especially younger women) not realizing that this behavior usually escalates over time. She may consider him a friend, but he's not looking on her as a friend, but as something to be possesed or something that belongs to him, and it can only get worse as time goes on. In fact, if she decides to split with him, I can almost guarentee she will wind up having to get a restraining order.

Let Michelle know that it's nothing to do with him being a 'low life' because you allowed him into your home, you accepted his presense without question which is more than what some parents would have done. Now he has crossed the line, his family is harassing her, he is harassing her and for the time being you don't want him in the house. She can still be friends with him, she just can't have him at the house.

Althought the girls are your daughters, they are no longer children. You have no obligation to allow them to stay with you, no less any of their friends. You are making the decision to allow the girls there and their friends, and it is your position to decide if someone should lose that privledge. It's not something that should really fall on Dave, and if you take the lead, it doesn't have to.

Let me know if you want to talk more about it.


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