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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Hello again, Chase! youve helped greatly in the past, ...

Customer Question

Hello again, Chase! you've helped greatly in the past, so I have another question for you. Hope you can help or direct to someone who can.

I am very frustrated at myself. I have a limitation on the type of man I can go out with (I'm a 30 yo, single gay man, living in Brazil). I am what is know as a "size queen" (someone who is only turned on by larger-than-average penises). This perceptione has dawned on me recently.

My former boyfriend was very well endowed, and at the beggining I felt it was just good chemistry. Then I started noticing that it was his member that attracted me the most. Obviously there where other things that kept us together, but this attraction was something considerable. I also remembered a past short-lived romance, where the same "chemistry" was there, and curiously enough, the man was also well endowed.

So now I've been single for a while, and I met a wonderful, older, gorgeous, charming, romantic, faithful, protective man - I can go on and on, but you get the picture. And he was absolutely crazy about me. We REALLY cliked, I liked his perception of life, his plans, his thoughts. And then, after almost 2 months of going out, things got more serious, and we had sex...

He had a thinner than average member. Not that bad, really, but I just couldn`t possibly get turned on. We broke up after my first sleep-over, and now I feel miserable having lost someone that seemed like a great partner. And also for having hurt such a wonderful person (I did not tell him, but I think he might have thought about it). Anyway, he is hurt, independent of what he thinks happened. And I feel a wreck about it and about this stupid limitation.

Sex should be about the person as a whole, especially the inner part. Why do I have to be so phisycal about it?

I really want to change!!! But desire is something very complicated to handle...
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

Hello sir,

I am always around to help, all you have to do is ask for me by name in the subject line like you did today.

You are very right, desire is something that is complicated. You have some people who are attracted to fair skinned people, and even though they may be embarrassed that the only people they are attracted to are of one skin shade, but the fact is, we are attracted to what we are attracted to, and there is little we can do to help that.

What you have to figure out is whether or not you are attracted to size because you like how it feels, or if you are attracted to size because you think it makes them more of a man. If you are attracted to size because of the actual sex and how it feels, then it may be a valid issue. If having sex with someone with a smaller member doesn't satisfy you sexually, then there's not much else you can do, than to find someone who is larger and can satisfy you. Many people think they are "size queens" but when they find that special someone, that its not such an issue because the passion is so good, it overrides the size issue. You only slept with him once, so maybe you didn't give it enough of a chance. Maybe you did, and you already know it's not going to work for you sexually. In which case, you did what you had to do.

Unfortunately there are times when we can find someone who seems so perfect for us and then when we have sex, it might be a lot less than what we thought it would be. Sometimes its related to size, sometimes its just related to chemistry.

I'm not sure that it's something you can change. If it were, then it's possible this person could have been the one to make you change, and it didn't. So it may be possible that this is something you have to live with, at least for the time being. Perhaps as you get older, it won't be as important to you. Perhaps the inclusion of sex toys could make a situation like that more desirable to you. It all depends on how badly you want it to work with someone. All I can say for sure is that a large percentage of any relationship is sex. It's not ALL about sex, but it certainly plays a big part.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX giving me your wonderful thoughts! I have read them and thought about the situation a lot.

It seems if I really want to try again with this guy, I will have to go after him. But I have no clue what to tell him other than the truth.

I absolutely hate lying and feel bad about it, but I do think in this case maybe too much sincerity can end up hurting his feelings even more, let alone impacting his self-esteem. But if I manage to make him understand that this is really MY problem, and not his, and that I am willing to talk it over to try to work it out together because all the other things between us are so good, who knows, right?

So thinking about how to improve our sex (yes, sex toys, more foreplay, more intimacy and tranquility - without all the pressure of the first time) might do the trick - or not...but that is a chance I will have to try to take - and if I do, so will he if he is willing to.

Again, you are a wonderful, sensitive and insightful person! Thank you. I welcome any further comments you might have.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

Hello Andre,

I understand about being honest, but I would not...I repeat NOT tell him that this is related to his size. If you do you will ruin anything that could possibly be, because he will not be able to have sex with you without feeling that you are thinking about him lacking in some way. Additionally, this is something that could impact him for the rest of his life, he may always think about this, and feel that he's not enough.

Think about it, the fact is the average penis size starts at 4 inches. Just because you are a size queen, doesn't mean that someone who is under your preferred size is lacking, it's simply your preference. I don't believe there is anything to be gained by telling someone about something that they cannot change. I knew someone who told their girlfriend that they loved asian women...this woman, 10 yrs later, is still struggling with the fact that her husband may really want to be with an Asian woman, even though he has been with her for 10 years!! He cannot change his penis size, so there's no use telling him it's not enough, you'll have to either accept it, or move on, because for someone else, his penis size might be perfect.

I hope you understnad what I'm saying, if you want to talk more, of course you know I am always here for you.



Customer: replied 8 years ago.
You are absolutely right! Reading again waht I wrote actually feel a bit dumb. There is no way to tell this to anyone. I guess I must move on..I still feel frustrated for not having something so good actually happen, but such is life, and this is who I am - at least for now.

Time is the best remedy. I am scheduled for a vacation to Greece in 3 weeks, with 3 very dear friends. It will be good to relax and clear my thoughts. Who knows what the future will bring?

I cannot thank you enough. This has been the second time you've given fantastic insight into my life's issues. You are a blessed person.

I wish you well, always.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

You're not dumb, you just like what you like....and although people may criticize you for it, it doesn't make you dumb. There are many things in our lives that create our preferences, and you would have to do a little self introspection to try and see if you can figure out when this first began , or when you first started feeling this way....all preferences come from somewhere.

Time is a good remedy, and the vacation may give you some time to think. You don't necessarily have to tell your friend why you feel the way you did, just that you were having second thoughts and maybe need to move a little slower? You're right, who knows what the future will bring...relax, enjoy yourself....and above all be safe, ok?

You're welcome, and I'm always here if you need to talk. Be well, Andre



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