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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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im going to japan to meet my girlfriends mom,and my ...

Customer Question

im going to japan to meet my girlfriends mom,and my girlfriend who is there right now,after my girlfriend left to visit ,we found out she is pregnant,her family knows this,they are japanese,my question is what gift should i bring to her mom,and what should i bring my girlfriend?im american,her family wasnt thrilled with this relationship to start,and how should i act when i get there? am i allowed to hug and kiss my girl in front of her mom andbrother?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. By the way, it would help me to know:

-What are your ages?

-How long have you been dating?

-Do you plan to marry your girlfriend?

-How did her parent feel about her being pregnant without being married?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting me with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that I can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to KimberlyF's Post: well,i guess its complicated,im 41,shes 27 she is an american citizen,was born in hawaii,im separated,
we met on the internet i guessa year and a half ago,was really accidental i was aking questions about hawaii,and we just kept talking and hit it off   she came to see me for the first time last september just to see if we were really compatable,and we were,she didnt want to leave,she had dated ,never from the internet,and neither did i,i was the second person she slept with,(hope this part is kept private)we talked every ,i was sopposed to go to hawaii,but im afraid to fly so i chickened out,she was a litle upset,but anyway,she decided to move here in feb.we have been living together,my life is complicated ,i was going through the divorce stuff,i asked her if she could go visit with her family so i could get my stuff straightened out ,without involving her in it,so she agreed,after she left she found out she was pregnant,she and i are both happy about it,she wanted a baby,we werent trying to prevent it.would i marry her? yes definately,if she will have me, her mom and family are very religious christians,and her mom was unhappy that i was a catholic,i told my girl i would chance if it made her mom happy,im trying to learn a little japanese before i go ,her mom doesnt speak english,her mom was very happy that i said i would change religions for her. girlfriend has been gone for 3 weeks now,i will be going there in 2 and a half weeks,this is like a second chance in life for me i dont want to mess it up,girl friend keeps to herself alot she doesnt open up to me all the time,and she wont tell me what i should get her mom ,she wants me to make alot of effort towards her now.she has done everything for me and stuck by me through this divorce thing,im pretty sure she loves me,im not rich or anything like that and she has never asked me for anything ,she usually buys everything ,food ,etc.she ppeaks fluent english,in fact better english than most americans i think,i know the japanese culture is very different,i really want this to work.ohh and,shes really moody and kindof secretive,do you think that is because of the pregnancy?i worry about everything i cant screw this up,i have let her down alot in the past,i want to surprise her and do everything right on this trip,then bring her home and start our new family.the age thing was never too much of an issue,i look young for my age and im in shape,the only thing she once said is she wants me to be around if we have a baby to see it grow up,but i dont think its really a problem,she as so happy when she found out she was ,she hasnt actually seen a doctor yet she wants to wait until i get there so we can go together,.ummm i think that was fairly thorough backround ,but if you need more ill be glad to supply,so i want to know what should i bring my japanese mom and how should i act ,and also my japanese girlfriend ,id like to bring her something as well,she is carrying my child,i want to be respectful,she was never one for taking gifts,i want it to be special,i just want this trip to work out ,and for us to work out,thank you for rading all this,ill be waiting for your response
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.

 

Customer

Thank you for replying and yes you gave me very god background on the situation. As far as the family is concerned Japanese culture is strict as far as what they want for their children but I think it has changed a little over the years. As for you changing your religion to appease her mother that is all fine and good but make sure it is something that you want to do before you make that big of a step changing religions is a HUGE deal and should be treated as such. I understand you want this time around to work but just remember life and people are not perfect you will make mistakes so don't get down on yourselves about the pregnancy make a joyous beginning for everyone involved. You will have to prove yourself to her family and if it doesn't happen the first time you meet them give it time they will warm up to you when they see that you want only the best for their daughter because after all that is what they want for her also. See you already have something in common with them already.

As far as a gift for meeting them for the first time maybe something oriental like a vase or a picture or something that deals with Christianity like a new bible or something religious this will show the mother that you are really trying to make an effort to win them over. When her parents see that you are there for the long haul they will feel better about her being pregnant and not married but you have to reassure them also that marrying her is your intention this will put their minds at ease and they will warm up to you. If they ask you question be completely honest with them even if it's about your marriage and divorce. No parent like someone who is willing to lie just to get what they want they will think that if you lie to them you would be willing to lie to their daughter and you don't want that at all.

Japanese customs usually want couples to get to know the parents and then date for a long period of time and then before they start making life changing decisions but since you are going to have a baby first, you should give the parents time to soak this in and try to deal with it because not only do they have to deal Japanese customs but Christian ones also. Just me yourself and the person your girlfriend fell in love with and everything else will fall into place and if not give them time to make their own decision about you but either way you are both adults and it's your life and since you are bringing a life into the world together it is up to you both to make your own happiness and if that doesn't include her family then so be it but you want to have a good relationship with the family especially in Japanese culture. I hope I've helped in some way and if you have anything to add or need more help let me know.

 

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i think my question was a hard one and i guess you did the best you can,im not really sure about the gift answer ,and as far as umm bringing my girl something ,you hadnt mentioned that,im just trying to understand their culture better,and how her mom may be feeling and im not sure a religious gift would be in order,you were somewhat helpful but i think a little vague,honestly i was hoping for something more i guess ,or expecting something a little more precise.if you needed more time i would be happy to wait,but for now i would say im not completely satisfied,im sorry
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

It's okay if you are not satisfied it is very important for you to get the answers that you need and I'm sorry my answer was vague but we have other experts that would be able to help you maybe more than I have would you like another expert to help you?

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
if you feel that there is one suited for this question im all for it,and im sorry if i wasted any of your time ,i know you mean well and you worked hard,perhaps you were not the right one to ask this.but thankyou for your time,i dont know how this works ,can you forward the info to someone you feel is more suited for this ,ive never done this before
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

No reason to be sorry this is your life and your future, I have asked another expert if they could help you. Good luck to you!

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thankyou ,shoud i wait for a esponse from someone else then?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

Yes if they can answer your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
ok i will wait for another response
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 6 years ago.
Customer

An expert can help you but unfortunately not for a couple of hours if that is okay with you, she is a great expert with alot of knowledge?

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
yes that would be great,i will be waiting for the response
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello, I have read your question and am going to check into some things and post back

 

Chase

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello

Congrats on the baby. :)  First off, I would not hug and kiss her in front of them, if possible talk to her beforehand and ask her how she feels about it and tell her you won't be offended either way by her response. Let her know that you would love nothing more than to kiss and hug her all day, but that you want to do what's right and what her parents will expect, and that you will take your cues from her. You don't want her to think you are being standoffish, but you would rather not offend anyone.

Japan was once a matrilineal society and some of those ways still pass on to this day. Son in law's are expected to be very helpful in the family, and not necessarily to ask if they can be helpful, but to just do it. Whether it's taking out trash, setting a table, carrying bags, it may not be asked, but it may be expected. Ganbare (gun-ba-day) is a word of encouragement meaning "don't give up," "good luck," and "keep trying" all rolled into one. Ganbare is perhaps the most unique and defining Japanese attitude, it is a belief and a way of life. Feeling sad? Ganbare. Feeling tired? Ganbare. As a westerner or 'gaijin' you are not expected to understand everything the Japanese understand, but it would be good to pay attention and follow their lead. Most westerners are looked upon as a sort of novelty, and depending on the situation they will or won't be accepted.

In Japan, giving fruit is very traditional, a single cantaloupe tied with a bow in a wicker basket can sell for 100-200 dollars. The fruit must be a flawless and perfect selection. Putting together a small (or large) basket of various fruits for her parents would probably be well appreciated. Try adding fruits you might not normally see in a fruit basket (of you make it yourself) like lemon, lime, kiwi, pomegranate, you can even add some dried fruits, candied fruits, chocolates, etc.

For your girlfriend, a leather bound journal, with a beautiful pen, and some type of sweet, whether it's chocolate or candies fruits, or anything you know she might like. Perhaps some flowers, but something different like orchids, or lily's (unless you know what her favorite flower is) and it should be in white, to represent the purity of a mother to be. You can add one red for your love if you like.

I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase

 

 

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: this seems much more helpful to me and thankyou so much,im going to be on a plane,are fruit and flowers able to make this trip,it sounse great,but is there something perhaps more suitable for travel,for both mom and girlfriend
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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