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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My wife was married twice before, the second was an ...

Customer Question

My wife was married twice before, the second was an extremely abusive realtionship with her being the victim. The second husband caused us no end of grief until his daughters finally acted in such a way that he disowned them. My problem is that after 10 years I still have a hard time reconciling who my wife is now with the abused thrall she was for this creep. I am afraid I get very insecure over her and suffer a lot for it. What can I do?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Jim,

Are you saying you think she might go back to him?

or that she might go to someone who would do the same thing?

How is your relationship with her now?

What are your ages?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: No, she is with me and our realtionshiop is very strong. I doubt we will ever part. I love her dearly. I am 57, she is 46. My problem is that I hate the thought of the things she did, the degrading things that were done to her. I realize this is my problem, not hers, but I have such a hard time accepting that she let this go on because she is so independent and, as she admits, overcompensates with me by trying to show me she won't take any guff, even when it is the normal realtionship static.

Thank you so much this is very troubling.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Jim,

It is troubling, knowing that someone you loved was once in this situation, and if they are different now, you wonder, why weren't they different then? The fact is, people change and they learn from their mistakes. There was a reason that she was able to be taken advantage or at that time, maybe it was childhood troubles, or falling for the wrong man. The issue is, when a woman is in a relationship with an abuser, certain things happen that don't happen in a normal relationship. The abuser is adept at controlling people and being manipulative. He would have known what to do to keep her under control with fear and intimidation. There's really no explaining it, its something that if we could come up with the answer or the reasoning, we could probably make a fortune. All that is known is that it's very difficult for the woman to get out from under this type of person. She's very lucky to have done so, I would be very proud of her, and tell her so. Perhaps she does overcompensate, but you should also tell her you are not that other man, and being together so long, she should have enough trust in your where she no longer needs to do that. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. My problem is getting my head and heart to accept these truths. I hate that the woamn I love was drug through all of this. Like I said, this part is my problem tolearn to accept. Any suggestions?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
Counselor
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Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues