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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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I recently found out that my husband and my best friend ...

Customer Question

I recently found out that my husband and my best friend have been texting and calling each other, without my knowledge. My question is, if i have nothing to worry about, then why did neither of them bother to mention to me one time in months that they had talked to each other? Is this an emotional affair, or am I just not trusting enough?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello and welcome to Just Answer,

If you could answer a couple questions so I can get a better understanding of the situation that would be helpful.

How long have you been married?

How many times have they texted, talked etc?

How did you find out?

What have they said when you asked them about it?

Has there been any changes in your husbands behavior....any other issues in the relationship?

Please answer the questions as fully as you can....if you feel uncomfortable with any of the questions please feel free to not answer them, I am just trying to get a full understanding of the relationship.

Walter

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Walter's Post: Well we were married 4.5 years ago.

cell phone records show dozens of texts and phone calls. ( he says they just talked to keep each other awake while working nights) which was not completely true. most were but not all.

I found out, when my friend came over and was telling me about getting a text early in the morning while at work and she thought it was from (bubba) yes they call each other bubba and sissy which makes me want to puke now. I asked her how long my her and my husband had been talking to each other without me knowing and her eyes got big and she just shrugged and said she didnt know.

when I asked my husband about it, he said he called her one day to ask her something (cant remember what now, he says) and then they just started talking all the time. says he has never cheated on me and does not plan on it. I saw a conversation on the computer, where he was venting to her about me. just last week he emailed her and appologized to her again for ruining mine and her friendship. and told her he really wished she would come to the party I am throwing for him at the end of this month because they had talked about partying together for so long now.

um....the email also he invited her over to drink a few beers with him on his only day off (which really hurt because i thought that he would want to spend some quality time with me instead.) He told her i dont like to drink with him for some reason...even though last month him and I had a couple beers at the river together, i guess he forgot all about that right?

Changes in my husbands behavior...well I noticed that he is really happy to see her when she would come over and ALWAYS they hug before she leaves.

he also deemed it necessary to take her something for her headache when she was hungover at work, even after i asked him not to go to her office to visit her without me.

look man. i have been divorced twice before. first husband screwed my friend the second i honestly dont know how many times he cheated on me but the one i know about for sure was with my cousin/friend. it is VERY hard for me to trust. I thought this man was the love of my life and I realize I have trust issues. I love my husband and my best friend, but I am not into having smoke blown up my ass and being told its just foggy out.

thanks
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

Sounds like you do have some issues with trust..........which is completely natural. The reality is a lot of people cheat, the saddest fact is they hurt those they love the most for a simple gratification. I wish I had a crystal ball here, and I could tell you wither he is scum of the earth or he is your prince charming.........but hey life doesn't work that way. (As much as we all wished it would).

The reality is there are some questionable details in all this. While phone calls and texts is not a guarantee that there is something going on........the fact that he did not mention it and when it was brought out he acted like it was no big deal would be enough for most anyone to question this.

Him venting to her is not cool....she is your friend and as such he should have known better then to allow it. On the flip side, as your friend she should have told him to talk to you. The reality is he may be perfectly innocent, but some of his actions are questionable at best.

Why would he go to her office after you asked him not to?

Why would he not mention speaking to her this much.....if this was a issue of once in a while it may have slipped his mind. But that must talking should have came out before now........so the question is was he trying to hide it? If so is it because he knew what he was doing was wrong.....or was it because he did not think about it?

Why would he want to go partying with her instead of you? Does he often party with other people? If so then this may not be a big issue.....but the fact is she is your friend and as such this would and should have been something you were invited to.

The happiness could be a simple matter that he likes her as a friend.......the fact is sometimes us guys tend to grasp onto anyone who pays us much attention. If we feel like someone wants to talk to us and pay attention to us, sometimes we will jump on th chance....so this is not a guarantee. The hug thing could be a issue.....depending on his personality. Does he hug other people often? Such as family members, friends, you? If not then this does not look so great on his part.....what kind of hug is it? Does he linger, place his hands in areas that they should not be? If so this is a issue.

At this point you have a couple of issues, one boils down to trust (Which may not be so easy for you). If you trust him then sit down and talk with him. Make a list out of the things that happened and your issues with them. Let him know why they bothered you and how you want him to act in the future. If you want the relationship to end, then be honest. While I do not believe in giving ultimatums, if this is a breaking point for you then you need to be honest and upfront from the get go. Let him know what you want and what you need.

Your other option is to walk away........if you really believe he is cheating then you must do what you feel is right. I can not tell you what to do.....but life is way to short to allow someone to treat you with disrespect. If this marriage is going to work, you both must sit down and talk about this.....let him know that this is a serious issue and one that could end your marriage if he is not honest with you. Let him know what you need and let him know how important this is for you.

As for your friend, I would suggest sitting down with her as well. Let her know how you feel and ask for her honesty in the issue. Let her know that if her man was cheating on her you would women up and tell her, and you would hope in the spirit of all that you have shared that she would be honest with you. If she claims nothing happened explain to her how this all made you feel and ask her to please end the relationship with him if that is what you want. Ask her to cease communicating with your husband. If she is being honest, she will do this. As a women she understands what this feels like so do not underestimate her......if there is no relationship there she will step back as a courteous. If not either she was not being so honest.........or she is one of those vindictive women. Either way if this is the case, better to know now how she is and end the friendship then to go on and find out later.

I know this is hard.........and I wish I had some easy answers for you. The reality is if he is being dishonest with you he will continue to do so. If he is being honest and loves you then ending this friendship should not be a big issue for him.

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Yeah it is very hard. I mean the two people that I thought I could trust and talk to the most, I now feel like I cant talk to about how I feel. I find myself wanting to call and talk to her about something but I just usually do not pick the phone up and call her anymore now. the hugs, well yeah they are strong hugs and sometimes he even picks her up. he is 6'4" she is probably about 5'4" or so.

My husband says he ended one friendship with a female friend of his when we got together. not because i asked him to but because he knew I was uncomfortable with her. I think even though I didnt ask him to do that he holds it against me somehow. He sees this as me being the cause of losing another friend. however, I feel this way, and I told him this. I would never do anything to make him uncomfortable. He asked me not to go to a bar without him and I have not gone back and It isnt because i think he controls me or i want him to control me it is out of respect for his wishes.

I do not believe that they have been physical with each other. My friend is married but yet she had an affair that ended and she still loves him. She also says she still loves her husband. to me if you truly love someone you will not allow that to happen.

I have talked to him about how I feel. He said he was gonna delete her out of his cell phone, his yahoo messenger, and his email list. well that didnt last long she messaged him and she is now added back in the lists.

I dont want something stupid to end my marriage or my friendship. I guess I just needed an outside opinion to validate the feelings I am having about it all.

The crystal ball isnt always a good thing. the way i found out about him going back to her place of work (which used to be where i worked as well and how we met), is because I felt it in my gut. So I asked him and then he told me. then well i snooped through his messenger archives and found out that he had invited her over to drink. neither of them told me that and it makes me wonder how many times that she has come over in the past because he asked her not me.
thank you
Expert:  Walter replied 6 years ago.
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