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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My husband makes me profoundly sad. If he gets upset at ...

Customer Question

My husband makes me profoundly sad. If he gets upset at something (even if I am not involved) he becomes silent and moody. There is no talking to him - this just makes it worse. I am expected to standby until he feels happy again.... could be days or weeks. What can I do?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

HelloCustomer/p>

How long have you been married?

What are your ages?

Why do you get sad, instead of angry?

What have you tried so far?

Has he always been this way, even before you were married? or is this recent?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: We have been wit eachother since 2000 - married for three years>

I will be 42 tomorrow :) - he is 52.

I get sad because it makes me feel unimportant and I feel my heart and soul closing to the possibility to a happy future. (He has not even spoken with his own children for over 10 years. Futhermore, he has issues with my own son who is in the Army and has made having a great relationship a little difficult.) I have no one to talk to - we work in the same profession - so I would not dare to speak to anyone here... he holds a position of authority and many respect him. I don't want to talk to my family - I am sure they know how controling he is - but, I "put on a little lipstick" and tell them how wonderful he is... at night I wonder what I can do to make it right.

I feel like running away - isn't that crazy - at 42? Just to go somewhere to cry. But, I could never leave my house / pets that way. Furthermore, I would not want my family to worry.... or his, at that.

I think I saw signs. He spent most of the time directing his anger / silent treatment / finding fault at my son. Since my son left for the Army, last year, it has fallen heavily on me.

I love him - I hate him - but, I crave for his attention and affection. Don't get me wrong - I know I am a good person.... still pretty, with a good shape, healthy, compassionate and tolerant.

By the way, when he is "talking to me" he is a vibrant and fun person to be with!
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
What can I do to make him realize the "silent treatment" is not fair to me, or healthy to our relationship? He should know this.... he is a counsler.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello Mashdo,

The fact that he is a counselor doesn't necessarily mean that he can clearly see what he's doing. It could be that he doesn't necessarily know that he's doing it, or that he knows and is doing it for some type of control. The second scenario is far scarier. What most people don't know is that counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists, sometimes see their own therapists, because many times they cannot 'practice what they preach'.

Try talking to him and telling your story from the point of view of a friend and ask his opinion. For example, "a friend of mines husband/wife is very moody, seems angry all the time, gives him/her the silent treatment" and see what he says. You are right, it's not fair, it's not right, it's not healthy, and the only way to make a change is to communicate with him. Whether you communicate with him directly or indirectly (letter, email), you have to talk to him and let him know how you feel. He also has to know that there will be repercussions to his behavior, if not, then he has no compelling reason to stop.

In a way, this is behavior that you are 'allowing' and in some sense, encouraging. Have you ever heard the saying "you teach people how to treat you"? It's very true, even when it's only by being permissive. When we allow a certain type of behavior, it sends a message that we are ok with it. It seems that you are afraid to speak up, not just with him, but with other people as well. You don't want to be a bother to him, your family, his family....you have to realize that they don't have to live with him, you do. It's not their happiness that is at stake, but yours. Have you considered therapy yourself to see why you could be marginalizing yourself? Do you feel like you are always putting others first? Therapy could provide coping skills as well as self esteem tool that could help you stand up and be stronger.

The botXXXXX XXXXXne is, the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, if he's been like this, then it's most likely he will remain like this unless he has a reason to change. By talking to him, you can be sure that he is clear that you don't like his behavior, that it upsets you and that you don't want to feel this way anymore. Its possible he may get mad, and/or ignore it, but then again, he may listen and agree to work on it, but there's only one way to know. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more

Warmly

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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