I was abandoned by both of my parents at five months old and then reunited with them when I was five years old. My father was physically abusive (beatings) my mother was verbally abusive. I was introduced to homosexuality by an older cousin at the age of 12 or 13....he was 16 or 17 at the time. I was a very willing participant at the time. I have been very interested in being submissive in sexual relations with men most of my adult life. I wish I was normal... what can I do to change this about myself?
My name is XXXXX XXXXX starters, I'm going to ask you a few questions and then we'll go from there.
Was there a time when you remember being attracted to women? or have you always been attracted to men?
Who did you live with until you were 5?
Was your father beating you, your mother or both?
Have you been in relationships all your life? with men or women? how have some of them worked out?
Why do you think that homosexuality makes you 'not normal', it it becuase of religious reasons, other people or just you thinking you're not normal?
I lived with my maternal grandparents until I was 5 years old. They were the parents of 16 (yes sixteen) children and were no longer engaged in the parenting process by the time that I came along. They were good people trying to do the right thing however, my grandmother was ill and my grandfather was convinced that he was a profit of God (I'm not making this up) and spent his days trying to convince anyone that would listen that he was a spiritual leader and the only way into heaven was through him. I was beaten by my Father once I went back to live with them and my mother was verbally abusive and stood silently by while he beat us.....I think she enjoyed watching us be beaten as it took the attention away from her as he often beat her. I don't ever remember being sexually attracted to women however, I was married for twelve years and had three children with her......we have been divorced for 12 years and I raised our children from that point on . I endured the sexual relationship because I felt that I couldn't revile my secret to anyone. I am retired from the military .....and continue to have a very masculine job. Nobody (except for the few men I have had sex with) know that I'm a homosexual ......and to be honest, not sure that I even want to release that information to anyone. I think I'll feel better if I know the genesis of my situation. Can you help?
To know the source of your homosexuality would be almost like asking why are your eyes the color that they are, or why you are the height you are. Scientists, religious people, even homosexuals themselves have pondered this I'm sure since the beginning of time. In my opinion, the question you may want to ask yourself is why you feel so guilty about it. Not every man (or woman) who is homosexual feels bad, guilty or torn about it. You were raised in your formative years by an extremely religious man, you were raised in a time where homosexuality was extremely closeted and frowned upon, your father was an aggressive 'masculine' man who exploited his relationship with you and your mother, you were in the military; an extremely unhealthy and unsafe environment for a homosexual. I could go on, but your life has been filled with reasons to make you feel guilty for how you feel, to 'force' you to conform with societies idea of what a man is, and what a man should be. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, I can't imagine how it has made you feel. The issue now, after being married, after keeping your life and feelings under wraps for your whole life, is just deciding if you can accept who you are and how you feel. Even if you don't want to tell anyone else in your life, at least be able to be self accepting and comfortable in your own skin. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.